Names!!

The most popular baby names of 2007 have been announced, and it seems that names ending in –aden are the most popular, with Aiden, Braden and Kaden making the top three and Jaden at seven. Further down the list are Dwaiden, Schmoraden and Ninja Gaiden.

To celebrate the fact that in several years time school roll-calls are going to sound like a campfire song, I’m reviewing what are certainly going to be the most popular names for newly breached humans in years to come.

Kumquat, Soybean, B’Nuffin: In the wake of such high-profile fruitily-named people like Peaches Geldof and Apple Martin (the daughter of Chris Martin and Steve Jobs), names based on fruit and food products are coming into fashion. The most popular is going to be Kumquat, which has already been used by several American politicians as the names for their offspring, and which goes well with the middle name Melony. Soybean is going to be very popular with wealthy middle class British people who read the Independent and buy boxes of organic nutmeg. B’Nuffin, a portmanteau word, combines ‘Banana muffin’ to make a splendid name for someone who likes baking. If you are unsure as to whether your neonate likes baking, simply buy them an apron, and see if they like wearing it.

Spider-Pig, Batman, Suitcase: A huge number of groups that have recently popped up on the Facebook website are in the style of “If 100,000 people join this group my wife will let us name our child ‘Spider-pig’”. While the sanity of the people behind these groups may be questioned, experts have estimated that as many as 60% of all children in the future may be named this way. Also, the same experts claim that by 2020, any child with a traditional name will be shunned and ridiculed in school by the other students (who will presumably have names like Mister Fantastic and Barbarella Matchstick), because the normally-named children’s didn’t have many Facebook friends. For this reason, giving you child a name like Iggy Pop Swanson or Crossword Jones is probably a good idea right now.

Daniel: Daniel is the worst name in the world. If you name your son Daniel he will turn into a wretched little shit who can’t count and who bullies other children. He will be an absolute loser who leaves school with no qualifications, having spent all his time picking on nice, quiet, sensitive boys who spend all their lunch breaks writing reviews. I hate Daniel.