Friday, 19 September 2008

Apologies.


I have received several letters of complaint regarding some of my recent reviews, and would like to take this opportunity to formally apologise for the unfortunate existence of errors, omissions and material that has offended some people. Here I would like to correct and clarify some points I have made on this blog.

Many readers wrote to complain about my prostitute review from a few months ago (“London Whore Round-Up”, June 16th). In the review I summed up ‘Gloria’ from SW1 as “Remarkably poor value for money, with abysmal technique, a smell not unlike a dead sturgeon, and a skin condition that makes her resemble a digestive biscuit in a bra.” Numerous readers took umbrage with this assessment, and I am humbly forced to accept their protests. Gloria’s odour is more like a dead haddock than a dead sturgeon.

Furthermore, a clerical error on the part of Top Notch Escort and Massage Services meant that my review of ‘Michelle,’ of whom I wrote, “as easy on the eye as she is in the sack…excellent use of the lips and tongue…perfect buttocks…well versed in both Swedish and Dutch styles…” was incorrect. The person who engaged me so much that evening was actually a different Top Notch employee, called ‘Darren’. Top Notch Escort and Massage Services regret the error.

An un-noticed typographical error in my review of the latest bungee equipment led me to claim that the Cavendish X300 Bungee Cord is effective up to heights of 200 feet. The X300 is actually only suitable for heights of up to 150 feet. I apologise to the families of those affected by the review.

Finally, in February I reviewed the opening night of Sir Alexander Wimthrall-Spot’s sixteen-week-long exhibition of watercolours at the Royal Leamington Spa Pump Room Art Gallery. In the review, I said that “Sir Alexander’s childish and merit-free daubings are about as welcome on the eye as the sight of an alligator eating one’s legs. The man himself is a washed-up old dolt, with an oafish appearance and a stupid face. When he spoke to me at length about his insipid works of ‘art’ (and I use the term as loosely as possible), I wondered if the sewers had started to overflow outside, but later realised that the smell was actually Sir Alexander’s breath. I would rather be forced to wear a wet suit while suffering from diarrhoea than look upon another shitfest resulting from this prick-faced old twat’s useless paintbrush.”

Sir Alexander himself wrote to complain about my review of his work. He quite rightly points out that the photograph of him that I included in the review was, due to an error on my part, of Shirley Bassey. I apologise for the error and thank Sir Alexander for his kind words about the rest of the review.

Sir Alexander Wimthrall-Spot

6 comments:

Dr Zibbs said...

Complainers can suck me.

words words words said...

Stop making me laugh at work, people are starting to stare.

Falwless said...

Hahahahaha!

Darren.

Dale said...

I can smell her from here.

BeckEye said...

I'm sure Shirley Bassey would appreciate being an afterthought in the whore post.

Del-V said...

Apology accepted.