Imaginary Facial Hair Roundup

Moustaches and beards are big business these days, with the facial hair industry growing faster than the stubble on a shipwrecked sailor’s chin. The moustache wax lobby is rumoured to be one of the most powerful pomade protectorates in the US, lacing the pockets of many senators with beeswax and petroleum-earned money. And now, Beard Shows are really taking off in the fashion world, with London Beard Week, the New York Beardstravaganza and Milan’s Beards! Beards! Motherfucking Beards! Festival all pulling in crowds of men with tickly faces.

Upside-Down Goatees are giving beard-lovers hairgasms as we speak. They’re like normal goatee beards (with moustache attached), only they’re upside down. The inverted nature of this beard gives it a more playful look, and the addition of a Zappa-esque Soul Patch adds a touch of gravitas, like the facial hair equivalent of an endorsement from Ryan Phillippe. The only downside to the upside-down goatee is the possibility that unfettered growth can result in strangulation.

Ladybeards are beards for ladies. Coming in a range of colours and styles, they are affixed to the face using a combination of glue, Velcro and magic. There are some interesting looks available, with my favourite being the FemiGaribaldi, which scores highly due to its jowl coverage. Overall, though, I’m not particularly fond of the Ladybeard, as it covers the cheekbones, my favourite part of Halle Berry.

The Literal Muttonchop is the biggest sensation in the Western side of the South-East corner of the Northern bloc of the westernmost town in East Shropshire. It involves getting actual cuts of mutton and affixing them to one’s face with crocodile clips, and while it doesn’t look particularly good (on the contrary: it looks shit!), Literal Muttonchops taste fantastic. Big thumbs raised.

Artsy boho types are going ape for the Tricorne Beard, which aims to emulate the hat of the same name. Tricorne beardies use vast swathes of hair gel to create a concave, three-pronged face bowl that can be used to store corn and grapes. While I like corn and grapes, I don’t want to store them in my facial hair! Ha ha! Seriously though, this is a rubbish beard. It looks like crap. Get it away.

The best new development in facial hair is Edible Stubble. Advanced gene therapy has allowed scientists to grow stubble on subjects’ faces that is both nutritious and tastes like blueberries. Nicknamed ‘BlueberryBeards’ by unfunny morons, Edible Stubble is the perfect healthy snack for anyone with a fast-paced on the go lifestyle; just pick a few bits of stubble and chew! Plus, you get to shave with whipping cream! Genius! (Government warning: Edible Stubble is not recommended for oral consumption).

Please remember that a beard is not a toy. Care for your beard, groom it, clean it, tend to its needs, but don't mess about with it, or it may become enraged.