The Saint of the Year Show

Last weekend saw the event that is highly anticipated by Saint-lovers everywhere. The Saint of the Year Show is an annual competition which tries to determine which of the newly canonised holy people is the best in a number of categories, with the ‘Best in Show’ winning a great number of prizes including the dedication of their own day. I was there to witness everything first hand, like an eyewitness, but with nicer shoes.

Competition this year was fiercer than usual, not surprising given the fact that the day up for grabs for the winner was June 11. This is a very desirable day to have as a saint, given that you would be in such esteemed company as St. Blitharius, St. Herebald and St. Peter Rodiguez and Companions. I was struck by the tenacity and pluck of many of these venerated persons, as I’m sure many of the spectators here were too.

Saint Cattermole of Duntwerp was highly fancied before the competition began, and many spectators were expecting big things from him. This was due in no small part to his trainer, Saint Pavel of Taganrog, a Russian Saint who has trained many a champion through the years. Cattermole performed well in the divinity category, and was placed third overall in the ‘shiniest halo’ event, but was let down by his disappointing alms dealing technique.

Saint Sylvia of the Exposed Flesh was very popular with everyone, though her purity (or lack thereof) worked against her, as did the fact that she’s not dead and therefore isn’t a real saint.

Saint Sylvia of the Exposed Flesh learns of her disqualification. Yummy.

The runaway winner of the ‘Patron Saints’ class was Saint Mental Dennis, the patron saint of things that are not where they should be even though they were there a short while ago. After an initial hiccup in the miracle challenge, Saint Mental Dennis won three back to back events: best-kept robe, most pious expression and the geography quiz. The judges were also impressed with his teeth and gait.

The Saint that won my own ‘most disappointing’ award was Saint Ludo of the Rocks. I had predicted big things for this holy man, but he let me down spectacularly. He was tipped for greatness in the ‘best martyrdom’ category, but rumours of his demise were grossly exaggerated. It turns out that Saint Ludo wasn’t killed by rampaging horses while giving a sermon; instead, he fell into a muffin-making machine while stealing baked goods from a closed supermarket. He also performed very poorly in the swimsuit round.

St. Ludo converses with one of the judges, a former winner of the competition

But the overall winner and newly celebrated Saint of June 11 was Saint Wayne of Glossop. He was deemed Best in Show after impressing the judges with his martyrdom (his face was eaten by a bear), his pious expression (scoring an average of 5.9) and his excellent ability to avoid temptation (he resisted the sticky breakfast bun for over 27 minutes). He was also commended for his performance in the confessional and for being the only Saint in the competition who could name all the books of the New Testament in order without any clues.

All in all, this was another successful year for the Saint of the Year Show. There were a lot of really excellent martyrs on show, and they were a wonder to watch as they paraded around the ring, with their superb coats and distinguished profiles. I can’t wait for next year, as I hear that Saint Swithun has been training a very special young protégé from his Home for Abandoned Saints.