Thursday, 23 April 2009

Currently Showing

Whether you’re on a date, escaping enemy agents or just someone who enjoys chewing loudly to annoy other people, the cinema is a great place to spend a few hours. Here’s my rundown of the films you can see right now.

Initial Conditions stars Nicholas Cage as a professor of Chaos Theory in an unnamed university. When his parents are killed by a tornado in his home town, he travels to Asia with the aim of finding and killing the butterfly responsible for starting it. What he discovers is an insect/weather conspiracy of gigantic proportions. Initial Conditions is a silly film, but really utilises Cage’s sole facial expression (that of a confused man-child). Jet Li co-stars, with a great soundtrack from DJ Sweatpants.

Working Relationship is the latest romantic comedy from the writers of My Boyfriend is a Squid and Intercourse Office. It stars Matthew McConaughey as a terrible actor who is constantly typecast as the leading man in absolutely woeful romantic comedies. Sandra Bullock plays his agent, and while she struggles to find him work in the latest high-brow arthouse film, the two of them film love. This film made me vomit, and the product of this vomiting episode was nicer to look at that the tripe on the screen. Co-starring Kevin Smith as Silent Bob.

Big Birds Existential Adventure was reviewed last week.

The Fastest and the Furiousest sees Vin Diesel racing dragster cars along incredibly straight roads against other dragster drivers while being chased by the police and the mafia. Watch with awe as the action star manages to maintain a completely collinear route without losing his hard man image. Who will deploy their parachute brakes first? Co-starring Vanessa Hudgens and a big truck with enough room underneath it for a car to barely pass through.

Indiana Jones and the Ruined Childhood Memories is another big-budget action sequel which sees Harrison Ford don the fedora and whip for more cartoony fun. This time, while Indy is hunting for the makers of a substandard Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sequel he uncovers a plot to bastardize all things that everyone once held dear. But who is behind it? The answer shocks Jones to his very core. Guest starring George Lucas as the evil mastermind.

Coming Soon:
The Even More Fastest and the Absolute Zenith of Furiousness
Saw VI: Saw Hard With a Vengeance
Tyler Perry’s Isn’t Eddie Murphy in this?
The Slow and the Calm
An Annoying Full-of-Himself Man Gets His Comeuppance with Excruciating but Hilarious Results: The Movie
The Even Faster than Before (Which is Saying Something Because Before it was as Fast as is Physically Possible) and the so Furious it Makes Something Really Angry Look Positively Sedate

12 comments:

red said...

I'll see anything with Ricky Gervais.

BeckEye said...

Screw the currently showing movies, I can't wait for those Coming Soon ones! They can't come soon enough. I wish those movies would get to the cinemas in much faster, and then I would be far less furious.

TishTash said...

Ooh, did you not see Crossover and Suck More: The Lamentable Stories of People Who Sucked in One Medium Crossing Over to Suck Worse in Another?

Rave imaginary reviews for that one.

Soda and Candy said...

I can't wait for "The Even More Fastest and the Absolute Zenith of Furiousness", but I'll probably just Netflix "Initial Conditions".

katrocket said...

Oh IR - I can't stop laughing. So many excellent gems! That Indiana Jones review slays me. So true.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Red: You Anglophile, you!

Beckeye: I see what you did there! very droll.

TishTash: They sound like excellent reviewing material...

S&C: TEMFatAZoF is so damn speedy and irate that it's only 26 minutes long. Zooom!

Katrocket: I aim to please! Well actually, I crave validation, but they're almost the same thing.

ad said...

When's Middle-Aged Musical 3 coming out, by the way? I hear the minivan dance number is H-O-T!

Dealer Man said...

I hear production is almost finished on Vin Deisel's new sci-fi flick.

Faster Than Light Speed and More Furious Than a Teroknor During The Sleeth-Bah Festival.

PMJG said...

"Co-starring Vanessa Hudgens and a big truck with enough room underneath it for a car to barely pass through."

Man, that truck's agent is amazingly good. Have you seen how many movies that truck has had a cameo in lately?

Of course, I've heard rumors that after the truck has earned enough to support itself comfortably, it's going to start considering more independent scripts and really work on its craft.

Diesel said...

Brilliant! I can't wait to see the movie where George Lucas goes back in time to wipe his ass with my favorite G.I. Joe action figure.

Amy Green. said...

Outstanding!

Amy Green. said...
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