Wednesday, 24 June 2009

I have returned

Hello loyal readers! I am back from my sojourns in the good old Kingdom of Unitedness! My liver is sore, I am in danger of having a Cornish Pasty overdose and my cor blimey guv'nor levels are off the charts. But what a great time I had!

Sadly, I have come back to a lot of work that has built up in my absence. Now Toronto Magazine, for example, have removed a lot of the offensive graffiti I put up on their building, which will have to be replaced. And, of course, I have a lot of things to review. But in the meantime, until my new ones are written, I thought I'd give everyone a chance to see one of my favourite old reviews, one that I wrote long before I had any readers. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my review of Hats!

New Hats, (September 2007)

Wow! There are so many new hats available this week that I had to review some of them! Huzzah for hats!

The first hat that I will review is a blue hat. It is about six inches tall with a furry bit on the top. The furry bit is slightly darker than the rest of the hat, which is lighter than the furry bit. The blue is a very nice colour. This hat is a nice hat!

Ooh! Next I've seen a small hat. I don't like the small hat. It won't fit on my head! Why is this hat so small? What were they thinking? Stupid hat. Too small.

Round red hat: The round red hat looks funny, so I like wearing it. It has a lovely tassle on the top for swinging the hat around your head. The round red hat with tassle can be thrown at cars, donkeys or clouds. Hat!

My favourite hat of the week is the Woolen hat. The woolen hat is very warm in winter, and makes for a lovely centrepiece in summer. You could use it as a teacosy! Woolen hats are good for the environment because removing wool prevents sheep from getting too big and taking up all the fields. Woolen hats save the planet! (Earth)

Today I saw a man wearing a Baseball cap with a funny slogan on it. I can't remember the slogan but it made me smile and forget all the bad things that have happened to me recently, like the dog that gave me a funny look and the earth-shattering despair that has grabbed hold of my soul and is squeezing the life out of me. The cap was, therefore, my favouritest cap ever, since the woolen hat, which I already said was my favourite.

Helmet.

8 comments:

Tony Spunk said...

Hey man! I'm stoked to hear you had a bitchin' time in Limeyland but tell me, what the hay is a Cornish pasty? Is it something to do with boobie jewelry? Because I suspect it's something edible but I'm afraid to look it up in case I am wrong.

Gwen said...

I bet the baseball cap said, "My other hat is a mitre."

red said...

Any hat that doubles as a teacosy automatically wins.

Erin said...

Pasties! They have them in Michigan, where everyone claims it's Finnish food. I set them straight. My ancestors in Fowey and Talskiddy were turning in their graves.

TishTash said...

I don't wear hats because when I see men wearing them, I always assume that they are bald underneath and I don't want folks thinking that of me.

This is the same reason that I don't picture people naked when I'm speaking in public. That karma can be a real hateful bitch.

BeckEye said...

Are you going to become one of those crazy hat ladies? Er, men?

Soda and Candy said...

Excellent!

Shine yer boots guv'nor?!



PS - TishTash - That's why you never see Ne-Yo without a hat.

Distributorcap said...

i can send you an american hat if you want