Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Oh My God it’s a Toronto Fashion Week Preview!

Next month it’s Toronto Fashion Week, a superb opportunity to check out the latest in trousseaux, millinery and gussets. All the venues are wiping the blood from their catwalks and replacing the dead light bulbs in their dressing table mirrors in preparation for this essential civic event. But before the designers start running around in a panic with pins sticking out of their mouths and tiny chapeaux on their heads, many houses are having special preview shows here in the city. I sneaked in and watched, like that kid in Madonna’s Open Your Heart video.

The first show I watched was by French designer Jacques Du Plex. His spring collection, entitled “Herbs I Have Worn” is full of luxurious lavender, with balsamic undertones. The skirt lengths ranged from ‘serpentine’ to ‘insane’ on the Kupwatt scale. A highlight for me was a hat that looked like a glockenspiel and which fell off the model’s head as she walked down the catwalk, nearly killing Mick Jagger.

Menswear was the name of the game for The House of Ian, and their suits were of the highest calibre. With an asymmetry that can only be described as ‘oxymoronic’ and playfully obtuse lapel angles, I loved these works of wearable art. Even the shirts had an unmatchable pillion density, which is an added bonus in these harsh climes.

What about Elizabeth’s Classified Information, I hear you ask. Well, the saucy underwear manufacturer was out in form, with a great range of tights and bodices made of molluscs. Women everywhere will be able to tempt their man into bed with the smell of cockles and mussels when the new collection is released in November. Oh, and great legs.

Derek’s Vests was a surprise hit with fashion-mongers and –istas. Some of their models were wearing blue vests and red vests but I was quite fond of the cream-coloured vests and maybe also the yellow one. At the end Derek came out on a motorcycle and we all cheered.

As usual, the collection by Colander-Upshot Studios was a disappointment. When will they learn that nobody wants to wear shoes made of coral any more? And their petticoats were woefully badly made, with a tawdry two inch tartan pattern and no hint of glebe on the wrimples. Don’t get me started on their gas masks, either. Utter shite.

For me, Pierre LaPierre will always be synonymous with the 2002 show in which his models walked the catwalk while covered up in large sacks and described the clothes they were wearing when they got to the end. This year LaPierre has gone one step further and had no models at his show at all. Instead, the designer himself appeared and answered yes/no questions about the items in his collection. From what we could gather, the new range will have some green skirts, there’ll be a hat in the shape of a wasp, and Pierre was thinking about a man who is in the entertainment industry but not an actor.

Finally, enigmatically-named designer :Blism: had a show that totally underwhelmed. His pastry-inspired creations didn’t even look like clothes (except the profiteroles, which kind of resembled a muumuu), and some of the models fell over in the slippery cream that dribbled off the first choux bun. Even the music for this show was crap, a kind of faux-gangster rap-pop made by cretins for cretins with no human emotion or sentiment behind it. Ugh.

Toronto Fashion Week will last for approximately seven days and famous people will sit at the front and try to look pensive but fail because the only thoughts actually rotating around their skulls involve wondering how they look on camera and the best way to promote their new sex tape without actually coming out and mentioning it. For tickets call that guy who works in the mailroom who always has tickets for things.

13 comments:

The Vegetable Assassin said...

You have to be careful with those mollusc panties - they can chafe really badly. Still, I hear they're better than last year's crab bra! They're still dealing with all those missing nipple lawsuits.

words...words...words... said...

When oh when are fashion designers going to make clothes that real people wear? You know, like chain mail tunics and latex PVC underwear.

Tony Spunk said...

Greetings fella and congrats on your weddingage.

Having said that those chicks that model have no meat to cling to. No one wants to bone bones. Though seriously man, if a wasp hat is involved I could be persuaded. That is pure sex.

Soda and Candy said...

Beautifully reviewed, I really want that glockenspiel hat now! I guess I'll have to wait for the Macy's brand knockoff.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

TVA: I hear if the mollusc panties don't open after boiling, they're no good and you have to throw them away.

WWW: I tried to get into those shows, but I left my ID at home.

Tony: Thank you very much, sir! I thought you might like the wasp hat, I hear you have a thing for ladies with a sting to them...

S&C: That won't be available for a while, but the Sears Percussion Range has some nice Xylophone hats.

BeckEye said...

Derek sounds like he fuckin' rawks.

JennyMac said...

my guy in the mailroom has NO ticket access to anything. Perhaps your can get me the tickets I need to U2 next week. LOL.

And I just saw pics from Alexander McQueen in NYC....yikes.

Mr London Street said...

Check my blog out. You've won something.

Hunter said...

Congratulations on you TWTWTB award. It's well deserved.

mo.stoneskin said...

I'd love to see anything by The House Of Ian. Purely for the name. In my mind Ian's house is full of dull, functional furniture and beige curtains while Ian is sitting on a faded green sofa looking through an encyclopaedia and taking notes.

Lindsay said...

Brilliant. It was only a matter of time before Pierre LaPierre did away with the creative stifling of actual models. Bodies simply just do not do his designs justice.

omchelsea said...

rofl.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Beckeye: Derek does.

JennyMac: I'll ask him, but his breath is awful and I may faint.

Mr LS: You sir, are a scholar and gentleman. In that order.

Hunter: Thank you, and welcome!

Mo: I imagine he always has a bowl of cheesy treats at hand.

Lindsay: I'm glad you agree. He really is a visionary genius!

omchelsea: Many thanks!