Wednesday, 14 October 2009

The Journal of the National Society of Obvious Studies

The National Society of Obvious Studies meets twice a year to engage in enquiry that is of the utmost importance to humankind. They attempt to answer questions that people ask every day, often without hearing a response. The Journal is the collected findings of this eminent group. Published annually, it is available to anyone who is on a special list.

This year, there are many important discoveries and intriguing studies. Take Professor Sturgeon Heseltine’s exceptional paper, On the Excretory Habits of Forest-Dwelling Ursine Creatures. Five years in the making, this study shows an amazing level of dedication to stating the mundane. Prof Heseltine was relentless in his quest to discover what woodland bears do with their waste products once all nutrients have been absorbed from their food. With the aid of two dozen research assistants and keen students, the good Professor travelled the world to observe the animals in their natural habitat.

With methods such as “watching the bears” and “looking for poop”, Professor Heseltine has amassed a great wealth of evidence to support his conclusions. Now the world can sleep soundly at night, safe in the knowledge that bears do indeed shit in the woods.

The studies in the NSOS Journal are not limited to zoology. Theology is also covered, with Denizen Balabroit’s paper, An Investigation Into the Religious Inclinations of High Ranking Papists.

This paper sheds exciting and much-needed light on the personal beliefs of the pope: his faith, his spirituality and his philosophy. With over a hundred pages of supporting documents, from personal letters to diaries and shopping lists, Balabroit builds a case for his findings with stunning levels of detail and rigor.

And what findings they are! From his opinions on birth control, the existence of an all-seeing and knowing sky-creator, and the transubstantiation of communion booze and biscuits into the actual blood and body of Christ, there is a lot of evidence to suggest that the Pope is Catholic. Balabroit goes into far more detail in the paper, and it is well worth a read.

I don’t have enough space to discuss the other excellent papers in the journal, but another one worth reading is Diphthong et al, On the Appearance of the Visible Atmosphere with respect to the Light Spectrum, which concludes that the sky is blue. Less successful is Spengler’s piece, entitled, Is the Atomic Weight of Cobalt 58.9? I fear Dr Spengler has failed to enter the spirit of the Society with this paper. Maybe next time.

6 comments:

red said...

None of these authors are named Captain?

Hunter said...

Excellent stuff. I particularly enjoyed the titles, including the obscure Ghostbuster's reference...

mo.stoneskin said...

"safe in the knowledge that bears do indeed shit in the woods."

Wonderful. After 27 years spent believing that bears actually shit in proper porcelain toilets hidden in caves it is good to hear this. The bears and porcelain theory just never sat right with me.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Typical Spengler. Always one to spoil everyone's fun. His infamous paper of two years ago Does the Chicken actually cross the road? really should have taught him something.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I actually heard that The Sun was planning their version of a Papal Expose. Except theirs is more focused on the sort of toilet paper favoured by the Pope (two-ply, quilted, colourless) and if he's ever been tempted by old "Three's Company" reruns.

Sarah said...

Brilliant, I can't stop laughing.