Sunday, 16 September 2007

New Pet Review: Ted the Unknown Species

I bought Ted from the local pet shop because he had very impressive plumage. I figured that such a magnificent-looking creature would also have some intelligence, or at least be able to do some tricks. Not so. My new pet is as dumb as a tree.

I am unsure as to what species of creature Ted is. The man in the pet shop was unable to tell me, he said he specialised in dogs, which makes sense to me because he looked like a dalmation. If any readers can tell me what kind of animal Ted is, I would be very grateful.

Getting Ted home, I was very excited to show him to his hutch. I sat him in front of it, but he showed little to no emotion at his new home. Indeed, he made no attempts to get into it. I wondered if a basket were more appropriate for Ted's species, but he wasn't interested in that either. All he seemed to want to do was sit and look at his new digs.

I took Ted's lack of enthusiasm to be typical of an animal moved into new surroundings. He was probably being a bit shy, so I left him where he was, hoping that he would settle in while I slept in my bed (which is a double as I move about a lot in my sleep). However, when I got up the next morning, Ted had not moved.

I have tried to teach Ted all sorts of tricks, but to avail. I have sat in front of him repeating the phrase 'My name is Ted' for six hours, but he still hasn't spoken to me. This is more than can be said for my neighbours, who have been round to see why I have been claiming to be someone else all afternoon. Ted is a troublesome creature.

Incidentally, I'm a little worried for his health. He hasn't eaten the bowl of food I left out for him after I got him; he's starting to look a little ill. If I can't get him to eat something soon, I'm scared he'll pass on. And I don't want the Animal Welfare people on my heels.

Ted refuses to sit, although for all I know he could be sitting already. I'm not entirely sure what his legs are. He's probably hiding them. Needless to say, he won't come on walkies with me, despite the nice new leather lead I got for him. Begging, giving me his paw, rolling over...he won't do any of them.

All in all, Ted remains a rubbish pet. He does no tricks, he shows no interest in his master and he is not cute. On the plus side, he does let me dress him up in hats. But that's it. To be honest, for all the enjoyment I get from this pet, I might as well put him on a shelf and leave him there to look nice.

Like a plant.

Ted, wearing one of my hats, ignores the water I left out for him.

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