Wednesday, 25 June 2008

New Illnesses Reviewed!

From the Spanish Influenza craze of 1918 to the SARS Mania a few years ago, the world is always going gaga for new diseases and illnesses. With Bird Flu and BSE now more passé than MC Hammer, scientists are constantly striving to find new and exciting ways to be sickly. I decided to give some the testing of their lives.

Firstly, Gammon Pancreas is a fairly self-explanatory disease that is caught through morally-questionable contact with geese. The foie gras industry is set to be hit heavily by this illness, the major symptoms of which are a gammony pancreas, lethargy and an aversion to Ardennes Pate. I enjoyed this disease, mostly because I love gammon. The cure is pretty enjoyable too: sufferers must wear a skirt for a week. B+

Next up was Reverse Metaphor Virus, a virus which has somehow passed from computers to people. When I tried it myself, I found that the malgerm caused my system to crash several times (which was quite messy and embarrassing when I was using public transport). I was also a lot slower than usual. In some cases, the virus has mutated enough that it’s accompanied by biospam, making its host promote pornography against their wishes. This wasn’t the happy, exciting illness I was looking for. C

The Uncommon Cold is just like the Common Cold, but with hats. Meh. D+

I got Lymph Node Cataracts in a tiny vial, which I then had to swallow. It didn’t taste very nice. Once the disease had incubated in my throat for some time, I felt like I’d died and gone to Belgium, which is just about all that one can hope for when testing new diseases. My body frequently experienced sensations not unlike being crucified inside-out on a steel plinth in front of several thousand rabid foxes. Sleep was almost impossible, and when I did nod off in my dreams I was confronted by the dozens of men I’d killed in the past, all of whom spat at my groin. I felt like I was being followed by an ominous dark cloud wherever I went, a feeling caused by the fact that I was emitting a large dark cloud from my sinuses. All in all, this is a surefire winner. Absolutely top-notch. A++ (Incidentally, the only cure for this disease is, quite literally, The Cure. I had to listen to The Cure for a day and then I was all better. Remarkable)


Joe White said...

I've heard that the only cure for AIDS is to greet everyone you meet for a full year with a high-five (HI-V!). But so far, everyone's been too embarrassed to try.

Falwless said...

Finally. Jesus. My tireless daily Google search of gammon pancreas steel plinth MC Hammer finally came back with a result. Been one hell of a wait, but you know what? Well worth it. Well worth it indeed.

Mo said...

I never could figure out why I was constantly trying to push porn on everyone (let me tell you, porn + Grandma's birthday = awk-ward), but thanks to the Imaginary Review's biospam diagnosis, I feel hope for the first time in months. Thank you, IR.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

FK: That's an interesting idea, I wonder if a control group could be set up with placebo handshakes?

F'less: And that's not the weirdest search term that's found me. I love that someone, several months ago was searching for "Goat Fuck" and came to me.

M: You're welcome, and my condolences on your illness. I think the best cure available are Symantibiotecs. (Brrrdum-tish!)

Anonymous said...

I only wish you'd reviewed my hypocondria... oh, no... wait... that's real..