Monday, 5 January 2009

2008: The Year in (Imaginary) Review

I am back from my two-week trip to the Canadian Conference for Critics of the Counterfeit in Victoria, BC. The organisers, praise be to them, asked me to present a paper on a subject of my choosing, which I did. Gossamer Rain: Ideas for a new Culture of the Imaginary and why Now Toronto Magazine Can Eat my Shit was very well received by all present.

But now I am somewhat behind with my end of year lists. I shall do my best to remedy this accordingly, and so now I give you my (imaginary) review of the year 2008.

Oddly, 2008 began in February, with most nations incorporating January into the previous year, having decided at the end of December that they hadn’t finished with 2007 yet. This led to some problems, but also benefits to those born in January, as they discovered that they remained the same age as before.

After a wave of shootings in the US, lawmakers attempted to stem the flow of dead bodies by passing some historic legislation in March. While it’s too early to assess its effectiveness, Republican senators claim that the law, which effectively bans being murdered, is working. “Now that being shot to death is punishable by a five year jail term, people are being much more careful,” said a government spokesperson. An NRA member added, “Guns aren’t the problem. Dead people are the problem.”

As always, celebrities were in the headlines a lot in 2008. Bjork made the news in June when she gave birth to a koala bear, but nobody was really surprised. Celebrity marriages were also big news, with Cap’n Crunch’s wedding to supermodel Verdala causing the biggest tabloid sensation.

The highest-selling song of the year, I Can’t Feel my Legs by DJ Park and MC Ride, was shite.

Not a lot happened in the world of sport in 2008, despite everyone’s best intentions. The International Sporting Federation of Sports caused a bit of a stir in October when they released their list of the manliest sports in existence. Australian Rules football came in as most manly, with Ice Hockey second and Javelin third. Other notable entries included Motorsports (11th), Women’s Rugby (15th), Field Hockey (37th) and American Football (122nd).

Notable deaths last year included UK politician Dwayne Denzil (auto-erotic asphyxiation), child actor ‘Little’ Jimmy Cruikshanks (old age) and singer Cher (choked on a Toblerone). Notable births included Sylvia Dahl, who will front a popular rock band in the year 2034, and Ian Douglas, the antichrist who will bring about the end of the world and the Great Suffering in 2017.

That was 2008. How will 2009 compare? My prediction is that 2009 will have more raining fish, fewer leper attacks and the same worldwide sass index score (8) as 2008.


Some Guy said...

Please tell me that you are earning a living as a writer, TIR, because your posts are freaking hilarious!

katrocket said...

I love that you wrote this during an Olympic year: "Not a lot happened in the world of sport in 2008...". You're so correct.

also, NOW Magazine can eat my shit when they've finished eating yours.

Gwen said...

Choking on a Toblerone is a good way to go. I hope she got it duty-free.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Some Guy: You're kind, and I wish I was, but I ain't. Efforts are being made to remedy this situation.

Kat: Yeah, that tickled me too. And let's start a Facebook Group dedicated to forcing Now Toronto to eat our shit!

Gwen: The only way Cher would get a Toblerone big enough to choke on is duty free, fer sure.