Monday, 20 April 2009

The Latest Bottled Water: Reviewed!

As the song goes, “There’s water, water of life/Jesus gives us water of life”. This is patently untrue, of course; Jesus doesn’t give us water, it comes from a tap. But sometimes it comes from a bottle, and more and more new brands of the essential liquid are going on sale. I decided to have a look with my tongue.

First off, Tip Top Tap Pop is a delightful new product from a micro-waterery near Guelph, in Canada. The bouquet reminds me of a damp morning in November, and the first taste on my tongue was a little fizzy, but that could be because I’d been licking batteries all morning. The initial flavours were asymptomatic yet coddling, with overbearing notions of parsnip on the underbite. This water was great.

Incidentally, when one is taste-testing water, what does one use to cleanse the palate? When tasting wine, we use water, so I figured I’d use wine, in a totally radical vice versa fashion.

Next up was the latest vintage from wollaC hydroyards. While not without gumption, this 2008 water lacks the visual acuity of previous vintages, possibly due to it being a poor year for aqueous minerality. I detected hints of margarine, camomile and temperance in this fair-to-middling beverage.

Dumptruck is being branded as the water for men on the go, with each bottle personally insulted by Chuck Norris. This water tasted like desperation and silt, though it does come in a handy handle-shaped bottle. Oh, and I think this water is the reason why it feels like I’ve been pissing razors for the last two days, even when I’m not actually urinating.

Triumph Supermarket Own-Brand Water tastes like water. Yawn!

I’m a big fan of the latest celebrity water, Ethereality by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Each mouthful of this drink was like flavourless nectar, an invisible cup of undetectable beauty. It tastes like all the yesterdays that could have been but never were, of kisses in the rain with nobody, of the sense of something really great that was here five minutes ago but disappeared and you missed it because you were chasing a hen around a car park. Wonderful.

The outright winner of my taste test fantasia was Fresh Wardrobe by Emperor Drinks. Sloshing this water in my mouth was like having twelve sylphs softly beating my torso with loofahs while a parliament of friendly owls sings my praises in notes too high for me to hear. I could detect elements of lemongrass, treacle and tin in this delightful liquid, while the aftertaste added hints of tree fort and longing. I’d recommend this bottled water for anyone with a soul.

Water comes from a tap/it was put there by a chap/in factory downtown/if I had my little way/I’d drink water every day/oh wait/I do/well, that’s quite splendid/gosh, that’s cheered me up/woman


Red said...

How are you not a professional jingle writer?

BeckEye said...

That's to the tune of "Peaches," right? Sort of?

words...words...words... said...

I was hearing "Peaches", too. I have a love/hate relationship with reading your blog because it always makes me jealous. *fist shake*

Soda and Candy said...

Okay you seriously had me laughing out loud all the way through this one. Love it.

Daltana said...

Suddenly I'm thirsty for bottled water. Do any of those brands come mixed with hops, yeast, and malted grains?

Tash said...

Chuck Norris doesn't drink water. He spits it out and that's how we get rain.

digressica said...

I'd like to echo words...words...words... in saying that part of me loves TIR, part of me wants to ambush you in a carpark and beat you with a rusty lead pipe. You are too clever and funny for your own good.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Red: That would be the best job ever. (To the tune of Blue Moon) "Stride gum/I gave a piece to my mum/it made her say 'yum yum yum'/now she's a very good chum". Easy!

Beckeye: Guilty as charged.

WWW: I'll take that as a compliment as raise you a Simpsons quote: "Shake harder, boy!"

S&C: *Bows*

Dealer Man: Now we're talking! That sounds like an excellent idea!

TishTash: That would explain why rain eats through my skin like acid.

Digressa: Thanks! I'm blushing, and now also slightly fearful of car parks.

Anonymous said...

I love it ! Very creative ! That's actually really cool Thanks.