Thursday, 14 May 2009

Heavy Metal Music Round-up

Heavy metal music is the best kind of music to listen to when you’re annoyed. When I’ve been standing outside the Now Toronto Magazine offices with my “Gizzajob You Bastards” placard for eight hours with no acknowledgement from the titwanks inside, there’s nothing I like more than listening to some Slayer or Angry Nun at high volume. Whether it’s Napalm Death, Brickshitter or Deadbolt Sandwich, the world of metal is a breeding ground for talent and innovation. Here’s my roundup of the latest grointhrust noisefests.

First off, there’s the long-awaited second album by Cause of Death: Seagull. Entitled Really Grotesque Pictures of Guts, it’s a solid successor to their highly acclaimed debut, Shocking Attitude towards Organised Religion. From the first throatyelp of the opening song, ‘I am in your Teabag’ to the final drum roll of ‘Lambast Memorial’, this is a good set of memorable songs. The only downside to the album is the fourth track, which consists of four minutes of gurgling, but other than that, Cause of Death: Seagull have released something to be proud of.

Cyanide Lollipop are a hot new band from New Jersey, in the good old You Ess of A. I hear that their live shows are amazing, which makes their disappointing debut, Soulchomp Gluttony all the more sad. I’ve often said that there are too many pan pipes and glockenspiels in modern metal, and CL have fallen into the trap of turning these instruments up to 11 to cover their awful lyrics and tepid guitar solos.

Several months after releasing last year’s Eat My Lymph, Gruntfuck Episode’s lead songwriter Andrew Brentwood expressed dissatisfaction with the finished product. He claimed that every instance of the A minor chord on the album should have actually been a G suspended seventh, and the band have now re-recorded the album to these specifications. I’ll be honest, it sounds a bit shit.

My favourite of the recent releases is Marrrrgggghhhaaaaaarrrrghghghgghh by Finnish death-metallers Embryo Soup. First it’s got these great basslines that go dunduggadundun, and then he starts singing like this: “Raaaaaawwwwwwkkkkkk! Raaaaaaaallllllll! Grrrr!” and then the guitars go chugggachuggawawa and then my neighbours complained and I had to turn it down.

Finally, The Ian Malcolm Pants Explosion’s latest album, Wasp Factory Explosion, is so loud that it’s impossible to hear with human ears. For this reason, each copy comes with a free pair of animal ears (installation required). I wasn’t able to get my new ears grafted onto my head in time for this review, but I’m told by other people who have heard it that it’s not worth the agony.

The Imaginary Reviewer is not responsible for any hearing damage sustained while listening to heavy metal music. He is responsible for any hearing damage sustained while he punches you in the head.


words...words...words... said...

Ah, metal. I have all of these albums! I play them at a volume so ear-shattering that my insides rumble to a degree that mjenks would write a blog post about it.

ad said...

Photocopying your hand during the work day, huh?

Tsk, tsk, tsk...

Red said...

Metal is for wankers.

Soda and Candy said...



This review had everything.

*sighs happily*

Dale said...

For those about to gurgle...we salute you!

BeckEye said...

I love Gruntfuck Episode. One of my weirder hobbies is making up band names.

Amy Green. said...

i'm afraid you can't even make up names more ridiculous than the ones already out there. Now if you'll excuse me i am off to listen to the christpunchers latest album.

Tony Spunk said...

Sir, Gruntfuck Episode sounds like a night at chez Spunk. In fact the name is making me horny. Excuse me, I have misplaced my Nivea.