Thursday, 11 June 2009

Wine wine wine wine WINE!

As summer approaches like an angry stepfather, a young man’s thoughts turn to wine. Ah, what could be more pleasant in the warmer months than sitting on someone’s cottage roof with a box of Sauvignon Blanc and a catapult? Nothing, that’s what. Here I will sample some of the new white delights and assess them with impartiality, except in one case where I have accepted a kickback.

The 2007 vintage of Chateau Le Bronjames Semillon has finally been released from captivity, and the prospect of tasting it is making everyone lick their lips like chapstick tasters. It certainly is excellent on the nose and rigid on the tongue but sadly it is also disappointing in the ears. There are overwhelming indications of carbuncle and mimsy in the aftertaste, and it does incur a tendency to be sodden in the backsplash. This wine gets a score of sixteen.

Dizzy Hipflask Wineries have just started exporting their Nomenclature Pinot Gris, which has a picture of a whelk on the bottle. After tasting it, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not a bad wine, really; it has just fallen in with some bad Pinot Noirs that have led it astray somewhat. It’s nothing that a good grounding – and, failing that, military school – won’t fix. C plus, with no prospect of parole.

The latest 2008 White Zinfandel Special Edition from Australia’s Sprightly Sprocket vineyards comes with a host of extras, including a making-of documentary, grape profiles and a wonderful series of winemaking bloopers. Bonus material aside, this wine holds its own extremely well, which is handy for those of us who have run out of wine glasses. A good slosh in the mouth produces a scintilla of trustworthiness and oak. Twenty-nine points (subject to change).

Fans of utterly awful wine will be thrilled by the latest crap from Ted and Frank Shufflebotham Wines of Distinction and Quality and all that other stuff that Wine People Want. Their new Sauvignon Blanc is like drinking a cup full of battery acid and sorrow. The bouquet has elements of primary school janitor’s jockstrap and sick, and the lingering aftertaste is like waking up in bed with your brother’s girlfriend and having no recollection of the previous night after the point when you decided to split up the taxis outside the club. Nul points.

Finally, there’s a new winemaker on the block: Pierre De Fenestration. Wow, he’s so cool and mysterious! Does anyone know anything about him? He makes all the other winemakers look dull and boring…I wonder if he has a girlfriend yet? I heard he has a motorcycle and told the Vinyard Inspector to “shove it”. Sigh, he’s so dreamy. Eighty-four points.

All of these wines are available from your local booze emporium, or that man who smells of chips and cigarettes in the park. If you are under 18, please get a passing stranger to purchase your wine for you. Contains sulphites.


Red said...

I prefer reds. What say you about the reds?!

Soda and Candy said...

Ah, this is the best. I love it.

BeckEye said...

Oooh, blogging about wine. How classy.

Some Guy said...

Battery acid and sorrow you say? Wait, let me get my glass.

mo.stoneskin said...

Like red I also prefer reds.

Huh huh.

But I do love a good Sauvignon Blanc in the summer. Montana's is one of my current favourites.

Chapsticks are nice too. So silky. Mmm.

Mr London Street said...

I'm sure Robert Parker imagines all the wines he tastes too.

Mr London Street said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Red: I also prefer reds, but this is a summer-tastic white wine fiesta!

S&C: Glad you enjoyed!

Beckeye: Actually, this is my third or fourth wine review. I'd point you in the direction of the others, but then you'd see how much I recycle my material.

Some Guy: Ah, I see you wish to drink to forget, eh?

Mo: Montana is okay, those New Zealand whites are top notch. (It is NZ, right? I haven't worked in a wine shop for two years)

Mr LS: I'm more of a Malcolm Gluck man meself, mostly due to his excellently onomatopeaic name.

words...words...words... said...

I'm sure that all this sophisticated commentary is valuable to oneophiles. But where is the breakdown of which wines are going to get me hammered for less money?

Daltana said...

I will pass this review on to my co-workers, then they can't whine about not having anything to drink.

Erin said...

I only drink battery acid and sorrow by the stein. But I'll give the T&F a try.