Bestiary Review: The Bestiary of Creatures from the Land of Golgorrth-Heckup

For fans of role playing games, the biggest thing to hit the shelves since the infinite-sided die and the metallic girdle is the new Bestiary of Creatures from the Land of Golgorrth-Heckup. The book lists an awe-inspiring number of new creatures for gamers to encounter on their adventures, with pictures, attack ratings and descriptions. I’ve never met a real dungeon master in my life, but with so much hype surrounding this new book, I set my EXP to ‘Fuck, Yeah!’ and donned my Cape of Intellectual Curiosity. It gives me +2 Literary Criticism Points!

The first thing that hits me as I glance through the Bestiary of Creatures from the Land of Golgorrth-Heckup is the sheer absurdity of the animals included within. The writers and artists must have been smoking something particularly potent when they came up with the wacky and awful beasts in the book. I know if I were an adventurer who came across them in my travels I’d need my Grey Sage’s Golden Pants of Poo Stain Prevention (+6 to clean underwear)!

Choosing a page at random, I find a truly ridiculous animal, undoubtedly the product of a fevered mind. With a grotesquely long neck and tiny head, this “Giraffe” supposedly feasts on the leaves of tall trees, but is surely anatomically impossible. I know we’re in fantasy worlds here, but surely the authors of the book should realise that having such a long neck would prevent the animal from standing up without falling. Having animals so far away from the realms of possibility is a definite shortcoming of the book, in my opinion.

Some people may commend the The Bestiary of Creatures from the Land of Golgorrth-Heckup for the level of astonishment it creates. But when I look at the picture of the “Kangaroo”, an animal that is said to hop along with its young in a pouch on its front, I can’t help but wonder at the sick minds that came up with it. And where do they get the names from? I mean, Kangaroo? Seriously?

I should also warn any parents who allow their children to play RPGs, they should definitely check this book to make sure it’s suitable for their young ones. I refer mostly to the pages dedicated to the “Koala” and the “Penguin”. These animals and their descriptions are so outlandish, so terrifying, why, just thinking about them afterwards gives me a cold sweat. I’m sure pre-teens would get nightmares from them.

I find few things to recommend about this book. Even someone playing Call of Cthulhu would be upset by the “Moose”, a creation so ugly and bizarre that I would not be surprised to discover that it inhabits the first circle of Hell, torturing adulterers. There was more scientific ignorance in this book than in an argument with a creationist. For example, take the utterly ridiculous “Canary”: according to the writers of the book it is able to utilise its long, flappy limbs to defy gravity! And don’t get me started on the section of the book entitled “Amphibians”…

I cannot see the allure of the Bestiary of Creatures from the Land of Golgorrth-Heckup, even for gamers who have exhausted their entire collection of Warhammer 40,000 books. If I were engaged in a quest to rid the world of Zordaxx the Disturbing and the Dungeon Master told me I had to roll a six or higher from two six-sided dice to avoid facing a “Kitten”, I’d laugh at the implausibility of the situation. No, the authors of this book would be well advised to keep their imaginations in check the next time they invent animals for fantasy gamers.

The Bestiary of Creatures from the Land of Golgorrth-Heckup is available now from all hobby stores and that creepy guy who hangs around the mall

The Imaginary Reviewer Goes to the Zoo

The Imaginary Reviewer went to the zoo today, and had a jolly old time taunting the geese, poking the giraffes with sticks and ducking to avoid the monkey faeces. What really caught my eye, however, was the talk given by a gentleman called Jerry, who was one of the tiger house employees at the zoo.

I should be clear from the start: Jerry is not a paid entertainer, nor is he employed to speak publicly. His primary area of expertise is in zoology, or - more specifically - the biology of large cats. My critique of his talk should take these factors into account.

That said, I feel that several aspects of Jerry’s talk was unfortunately lacking in taste. I refer predominantly to a number of off-colour jokes he made during his talk. While the parents and other adults in the audience may have appreciated his comments about ‘pussies’ and ‘tail flicking’, the fact that there were children watching made me squirm in my seat. At one point Jerry even spent several minutes talking about ‘mating practices’, an incredibly thinly-veiled reference to sex. This was, in my opinion, in very poor taste.

Jerry’s speech did have its high points. With the talk taking place by the recently-refurbished tiger habitat, there were some wonderful large cats to watch, and from his position close to the exterior wall, Jerry was able to point out some interesting parts of the animals and their habits. His speech was certainly coloured by a genuine love of his job, and for that I commend Jerry. But I still have one major complaint, one which I feel completely undermines Jerry’s speech.

Was it really necessary, I wonder, for Jerry to stand so close to the incorrectly-locked gate on the tiger habitat? Did he really have to have a scent so overpowering that the four inhabitants of the area forced the gate open? And was it that important to our understanding of the feeding habits of tigers that Jerry allowed himself to be mauled, then eaten by the animals? I think not.

Looking around myself as the huge jaws crushed Jerry’s flailing limbs, I could see looks of disappointment and sadness from the other adults in the audience. They were no doubt upset, like me, that Jerry had taken his lesson one step too far. When the zoo employee screamed at the sight of his innards being fought over by four hungry tigers, I sighed at what could have been. At this point, many of the witnesses were weeping, such was their own sadness at being let down by a poorly-planned talk. And when shock and pain gradually took over Jerry’s body and caused him to stop screaming, when other zoo employees were forced to interrupt their lunch breaks to tranquilize the tigers, when the whole sorry spectacle ended, I found myself angry at Jerry for what he put these children through in the name of zoological education.

I must add, however, that before the speech I had no idea that tigers could devour a human in such a short space of time. It was quite impressive on the part of the creatures. But such a graphic display was certainly not required to make me believe it, Jerry.

While Jerry isn’t due to give any speeches in the near future, I wouldn’t recommend going out of one’s way to see any if he does. For Jerry himself, I recommend classes in public speaking and what constitutes good taste. But please don’t let that stop you from going to the zoo, as there are elephants there and they rock.

The Imaginary Reviewer’s thoughts are with Jerry’s family at this difficult time.