Some of my more eagle-eyed readers may have noticed a bit of a lessening of my Imaginary Output recently. I'm sorry for that, but there are good reasons, which I'll come to shortly.
Sadly for you, the fans, this dearth of review-based hilarity will continue for a few more weeks, with (hopefully) occasional posts added intermittently.
The extremely good reason for this recent and upcoming radio silence is that on Monday I shall be boarding a plane bound for a small island that rhymes with "Howie", where I'll be staying for several weeks. My reason for going? Well, let's put it this way: In two weeks' time, Future Mrs Imaginary Reviewer will have lost the "Future" part of her name. I'm sure you'll agree, this is exciting news, especially as it makes things a bit easier to say.
So for the next few weeks any posts will be ones that I've written in advance and posted to the future using Blogger's super magical future blogging tool. My comments on your blogs will be even more rare than they are at the moment. But I promise I shall return, a wiser, more tanned and more eager Reviewer, ready to tickle your chuckle spots with my inane rantings.
On that note, I shall say: This isn't goodbye. It's merely see you later.
Showing posts with label Apologies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Apologies. Show all posts
Thursday, 6 August 2009
Friday, 19 September 2008
Apologies.
I have received several letters of complaint regarding some of my recent reviews, and would like to take this opportunity to formally apologise for the unfortunate existence of errors, omissions and material that has offended some people. Here I would like to correct and clarify some points I have made on this blog.
Many readers wrote to complain about my prostitute review from a few months ago (“London Whore Round-Up”, June 16th). In the review I summed up ‘Gloria’ from SW1 as “Remarkably poor value for money, with abysmal technique, a smell not unlike a dead sturgeon, and a skin condition that makes her resemble a digestive biscuit in a bra.” Numerous readers took umbrage with this assessment, and I am humbly forced to accept their protests. Gloria’s odour is more like a dead haddock than a dead sturgeon.
Furthermore, a clerical error on the part of Top Notch Escort and Massage Services meant that my review of ‘Michelle,’ of whom I wrote, “as easy on the eye as she is in the sack…excellent use of the lips and tongue…perfect buttocks…well versed in both Swedish and Dutch styles…” was incorrect. The person who engaged me so much that evening was actually a different Top Notch employee, called ‘Darren’. Top Notch Escort and Massage Services regret the error.
An un-noticed typographical error in my review of the latest bungee equipment led me to claim that the Cavendish X300 Bungee Cord is effective up to heights of 200 feet. The X300 is actually only suitable for heights of up to 150 feet. I apologise to the families of those affected by the review.
Finally, in February I reviewed the opening night of Sir Alexander Wimthrall-Spot’s sixteen-week-long exhibition of watercolours at the Royal Leamington Spa Pump Room Art Gallery. In the review, I said that “Sir Alexander’s childish and merit-free daubings are about as welcome on the eye as the sight of an alligator eating one’s legs. The man himself is a washed-up old dolt, with an oafish appearance and a stupid face. When he spoke to me at length about his insipid works of ‘art’ (and I use the term as loosely as possible), I wondered if the sewers had started to overflow outside, but later realised that the smell was actually Sir Alexander’s breath. I would rather be forced to wear a wet suit while suffering from diarrhoea than look upon another shitfest resulting from this prick-faced old twat’s useless paintbrush.”
Sir Alexander himself wrote to complain about my review of his work. He quite rightly points out that the photograph of him that I included in the review was, due to an error on my part, of Shirley Bassey. I apologise for the error and thank Sir Alexander for his kind words about the rest of the review.
Many readers wrote to complain about my prostitute review from a few months ago (“London Whore Round-Up”, June 16th). In the review I summed up ‘Gloria’ from SW1 as “Remarkably poor value for money, with abysmal technique, a smell not unlike a dead sturgeon, and a skin condition that makes her resemble a digestive biscuit in a bra.” Numerous readers took umbrage with this assessment, and I am humbly forced to accept their protests. Gloria’s odour is more like a dead haddock than a dead sturgeon.
Furthermore, a clerical error on the part of Top Notch Escort and Massage Services meant that my review of ‘Michelle,’ of whom I wrote, “as easy on the eye as she is in the sack…excellent use of the lips and tongue…perfect buttocks…well versed in both Swedish and Dutch styles…” was incorrect. The person who engaged me so much that evening was actually a different Top Notch employee, called ‘Darren’. Top Notch Escort and Massage Services regret the error.
An un-noticed typographical error in my review of the latest bungee equipment led me to claim that the Cavendish X300 Bungee Cord is effective up to heights of 200 feet. The X300 is actually only suitable for heights of up to 150 feet. I apologise to the families of those affected by the review.
Finally, in February I reviewed the opening night of Sir Alexander Wimthrall-Spot’s sixteen-week-long exhibition of watercolours at the Royal Leamington Spa Pump Room Art Gallery. In the review, I said that “Sir Alexander’s childish and merit-free daubings are about as welcome on the eye as the sight of an alligator eating one’s legs. The man himself is a washed-up old dolt, with an oafish appearance and a stupid face. When he spoke to me at length about his insipid works of ‘art’ (and I use the term as loosely as possible), I wondered if the sewers had started to overflow outside, but later realised that the smell was actually Sir Alexander’s breath. I would rather be forced to wear a wet suit while suffering from diarrhoea than look upon another shitfest resulting from this prick-faced old twat’s useless paintbrush.”
Sir Alexander himself wrote to complain about my review of his work. He quite rightly points out that the photograph of him that I included in the review was, due to an error on my part, of Shirley Bassey. I apologise for the error and thank Sir Alexander for his kind words about the rest of the review.
Sir Alexander Wimthrall-Spot
Sunday, 5 August 2007
Message for all my loyal readers
Hello everyone.
Apologies for the lack of recent reviews. I'm currently in the process of moving and I am spending a lot of time in a place with no Internet access for weeks at a time, so for the past - and next - few weeks, updates will be few and far between. Normal service will be resumed in September.
I promise.
Apologies for the lack of recent reviews. I'm currently in the process of moving and I am spending a lot of time in a place with no Internet access for weeks at a time, so for the past - and next - few weeks, updates will be few and far between. Normal service will be resumed in September.
I promise.
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