The Best New University Courses for 09/10

These days, everyone goes to university. People don’t start their first full-time job until they have enough letters after their name to earn a thousand points on a Scrabble board. But for every Business, Law or Philosophy and Psychology degree, there’s a useless one, like Surfing, Klingon or Applied Mathematics. And even more new degrees are being opened every year. I took a look at some of them, like a voyeur in an exhibitionist factory.

First off, Paris Hiltonology at Dundee University is an excellent degree. Obviously it leads to a BSc, being a highly scientific program. Classes include Canine Shrinkage: The Fundamentals, Vacuity 101 and BFF Selection. An extended Press Manipulation module lasts for two semesters, with the first being a general introduction and the second looking at detailed ways to promote your sex tape. Having read through the course materials, I can see this being a very worthwhile and interesting course. Many people believe that by 2020 the most common job in the developed world will be ‘Vacuous Celebrity’, so this qualification will be a boon to all interested. A warning, though: this will be a tough course to be accepted into. Anyone with a grade average of C or above is unlikely to be considered.

Both Oxford and Cambridge will this year begin offering an MA in Running Around in Circles. This is definitely going to be an advanced course, with both practical and theory elements. Of the two universities, I’d recommend Oxford’s programme over Cambridge’s, as the former has invested £27million in a new circle-running stadium and wind-tunnel.

The Online University of North America and Europe is offering a new course, entitled Making Money Using the Internet. There are no entrance qualifications needed, just send a cheque for $1200 to their PO number and you’ll be enrolled. I wish I could say more about this course, but I still haven’t received the materials yet, and I was accepted over six months ago. Sorry!

For those of you who are in full-time employment but who wish to expand your brainclout, there are also many exciting and interesting night courses available. I highly recommend the Toronto School of Continuing Studies’ Certificate in Wife Appreciation. From full-bodied to slightly fruity, this course will let you appreciate wives of all varieties. Course fees include samples of the wives and a book to make your own notes in. I really enjoyed this course, having had very little experience of wives in the past; from the first class to the last, I found myself learning more and more while having fun (and testing a lot of wives, too!).

Finally, MIT has a new course entitled Extreme Makeover: Home Edition Studies. With one class taught by Ty Pennington himself, this course covers such subjects as Being as Pathetic as Possible to Get on the Show, Shelves: How Many is Too Many?, Bullying a Neighbourhood into Working for Free and What to do When the Truck Breaks Down and Won’t Move Out of the Way of the New House in the Big Reveal. This is a terrible course with no redeeming features. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. And not just because they refused to decorate my apartment on the grounds that I’m “not tragic enough.”

Bloody students, with their long hair and their alcopops and their Jean Paul Satre and their low-cut jeans…in my day it were conscription or you’d work down t’ mines.

The Imaginary Investigative Undercover Review: Saint Manthing’s College for Living Statues

A few weeks ago I was away for some time, neglecting my duties as provider of hilarious reviews with slightly satirical undertones. I did not explain why you were not able to read any new material over that time, but now I can reveal my whereabouts. I was working undercover.

I shall explain. A while ago I was given a very intriguing tip-off by an acquaintance (who shall remain nameless, due to a bureaucratic error at his christening). A new school had just opened in the area, and word on the street was that there was something definitely iffy about it. The place was Saint Manthing’s College for Living Statues, and I decided to join up and analyse it with my critical eye.

My critical eye is my left eye.

Saint Manthing’s is one of those artsy fartsy educational establishments where the teachers wear flared trousers and sit with their chairs the wrong way round so they can lean on the backs. It specialises in preparing people for the cutthroat world of living statue work, training idealistic young people to stand still for extended periods of time. Optional courses are available in tableau vivant, costume design and making sure punters don’t run off with your hard earned cash while you pretend to hold an invisible bow and arrow.

I chose the deliberately-blending-in pseudonym “Katherine auf der Corgan-Hannitty-Colmes” and put my name down for their most expensive course. Once the semester began, I spent my first day in Saint Manthing’s being taught how to buy the relevant course materials, an education that I found both enlightening and stimulating. Apparently I need to hand over the cash and then I get my change. Interesting.

Upon the second day, the course was more as I had expected. My class were shown how to suppress coughs, sneezes, erections (using the ‘Joan Rivers Method’), and the urge to blink. In the afternoon, we practised our new-found techniques by acting as models for the life drawing class in the college next door. Some of my fellow students were a little bashful about taking off their clothes, but being a lithe Adonis, I jumped at the chance for some legal public nudity. So far, all seemed well.

Homework for the evening was standing still for an hour. I cheated, and only did 45 minutes. Somehow, the teachers knew and I was marked down for it.

Day 2 of my Training, and my skills are coming along nicely. Note the excellent paint job I did on myself.

On the third day of my tutorage, everyone in my class was shown a special ‘lying down’ position. This lesson was particularly memorable in that it marked the first time we were given props; most of us were handed rifles or guns of some sort, and the tips on handling the weapon authentically were invaluable. We were told that this pose was very popular in Eastern European Living Statue Festivals, and that this would be where we’d be making a lot of our money. So far, so good. The training was exceptional, and nothing suspicious had occurred at all. I was beginning to think my friend had given me some duff information.

For another week, our classes were inoffensive enough, with lessons in art history, balancing on one leg and target practice. We were taught meditation and breathing control, both of which are essential to being a good living statue. I must add a moment of personal pride here: I came in top of my class in a game called ‘Spot the Enemy Combatant’, which was a bit like “Where’s Wally?” (or, as people in the former colonies know it, “Where’s Waldo?”), but with camouflage gear. Things were going well.

Later in the month we had a careers fair, which also had nothing to arouse my suspicions. I spoke to unoriginal contemporary artists who were looking to hire living statues for exhibitions that would “subvert the traditional view of sculpture as a static, inert medium”. There were also hidden camera TV shows that were looking for living statues that could surprise old ladies who happened to be walking by. As well as these people, the fair had representatives from circuses, arts fairs, the marines and busking festivals. I got some good contacts here, should my imaginary reviewing stop paying the bills!

And so, after a month of training to be a living statue at Saint Manthing’s College, I have to say that this is a wonderful establishment with a top-class pedigree in preparing ordinary people for the lucrative and rewarding career of being a living statue. I’ve met some interesting people and made lots of new friends, from the other students to the staff, like Ms. Schnauzer and Commander Lewis.

To top all this off, I’ve been selected to take part in a student exchange, which starts tomorrow! So you may not hear from me for a while, as I’ll be putting all my ‘remaining incredibly still’ skills to the test in Iraq! They’ve even given me a commemorative rifle to thank me for my participation! They tell me that most of my time in Iraq will be spent lying down, which I can hardly complain about. How’s that for an ideal job, folks?

In summary, then, Saint Manthing’s College for Living Statues (co-owned by the American Military) is highly recommended!

Day 5: I am ready for my Living Statue assignment in Iraq.