Gun Review: The Glopp .650

The release of the Glopp .650 is going to be closely watched by many, given that the manufacturers’ last weapon was found to have a fatal design flaw that meant it shot around corners. The Glopp bigwigs claim that all kinks have been ironed out of the .650, and I gave it a road test to see if this is so.

Visually, the .650 is striking. The manufacturers claim that the size of the barrel gives their weapon a 35% increase in intruder intimidation than the nearest rival’s. I tested this by leaving my front door open at night and waiting in the shadows while my wife and children slept in their bedrooms above.

The first burglar who came in saw me standing naked in the hallway pointing a similarly-priced model to the Glopp, and he jumped out of his skin, running away at a pretty hefty pace. The second burglar came face-to-face with the .650, and he actually shat himself on the spot, leaving my wife with a nasty stain to clean up in the morning! Scratch one victory to the Glopp!

While terrifying robbers-to-be is one thing, the proof of the pudding is in the eating, as they say; and with a dessert of firearms, the proof is in the shooting! I flew out to Africa and took the .650 to a remote desert village for a real test of its powers.

As the villagers were running from me in mortal, uncomprehending terror, I was struck by the swiftness with which I was shooting. Reload time is reassuringly low, and so once I’d run out of rounds it wasn’t long before I was happily firing again at the soon-extinct primitives. The Glopp’s accuracy is also something to write home about. From the fattest town elder to the smallest child, none were a problem for the dual-control target mechanism.

Of course, not everyone has the means to test their new weaponry in a lawless dictatorship, and so I decided to try some experiments a little closer to home. For mugging, as with defending one’s home, the Glopp is ideal; I found that my takings from random street-encounters rose by 33% when using the .650. The ability to pierce armour is somewhat disappointing, however, as the policeman pulled through after a couple of days in intensive care.

The manufacturers claim that the .650 is simple enough to be used by a child. I haven’t had enough time to test this, but I will give the gun to my 8 year-old son to use, and see if this claim is true. I’ll let you know the results as I get them.

In summary: The Glopp .650 is a huge improvement on the previous Glopp guns. It’s only let down by the disappointingly poor armour-piercing ability. Otherwise, this is a fine weapon for use by real heterosexual men who aren’t turned on by phallic metallic objects, honest.

Editor’s note: This article is dedicated to the memory of The Imaginary Gun Reviewer, who was recently killed in a tragic accident. Police are still investigating how his son came to be in possession of a lethal weapon.