Sunday, 6 April 2008

Special Report: The Most Romantic Spots in New York

New York City is widely regarded as one of the most romantic places in the world, surpassing Paris, Rome and even Duncan, British Columbia (home of the world’s largest hockey stick and puck). It’s full of beautiful locations to propose, get married, or just stare longingly at loving couples as they flaunt their happiness like peacocks strutting around, not caring one jot for your own miserable, soulless, love-free life. They’ll pay. They’ll all pay.

By way of Congratulations to reportedly recent newlyweds Beyonce and Jay-Z, we got our Imaginary New York Correspondent to file this report on the mushiest, most lovey-dovey places in all of the big apple. Take it away, Imaginary Noo Yoik Correspondent! (He hates it when I call him that)

One of the most popular places for young lovers to go these days is the Dogs D’Amour Internet CafĂ©, above the Korean Barbecue on 110th Street. Here, happy couples meet and spend hours chatting on MSN and ICQ, flirting and cooing at each other using the high-resolution webcams and leaving messages on each other’s Facebook walls. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and nothing makes the modern New York couple happier than simulated long-distance relationships. The best part is, once you’ve finished, you actually get to leave with your beau, and possibly even make sweet love to them, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Next to the Paul Smith Store on 54th Street sits the Lovery Love Love Hotel, the centre of the new craze that’s taking America by storm. Due to housing constraints and familial norms in Japan, love hotels have been popular for decades, allowing couples to rent a room by the hour and enjoy all sorts of romantic amenities such as revolving beds and vending machines full of sex toys. Now love hotels are becoming very popular in New York City, and Lovery Love is where it all began. What says “I love you” more than an hour in an anonymous room with non-stop Asian pornography on the television and a bucket full of dildos by the bed? Lovery Love even has many themed rooms, tailored to the western market, including a Happy Days room, a Laverne and Shirley room and a Mork and Mindy room, complete with replica Orson.

Romantic restaurants are ten-a-penny in New York City, but few will get you more in the mood than Jezebel’s. Located in the west side of the north end, Jezebel’s is the only eatery in the city in which couples are tied together upon entry and refused cutlery. A typical three course dinner involves teamwork, mutual feeding and a complete jettison of table manners. By the end of this experience, even the most frigid lovers will become hornier than a rhino sandwich! Unlike many restaurants in New York, there is no extra charge if you are gay, nor if you are over seven feet tall.

On the other hand, make sure you avoid taking your loved one to see Jay Leno on a date. He will steal your girlfriend. Or, if you are someone’s girlfriend, he will steal you. Bastard.


Anonymous said...

You sir, are a fraudster, purporting to review only the imaginary when we all know that the genius that is Lovery Love could not spring from even your fervent imagination. I demand credit where credit is due for the bricks and mortar that are Lovery Love!! (Mine's an auringo chuhai next time we should happen upon each other...)

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Thanks for the heads-up...that's the last time I publish something sent by a freelancer without proofreading it properly. You know, I wasn't going to pay the Imaginary New York Correspondent anything, but now I don't think I'll even dignify his demands for remuneration with a terse "The cheques in the post".

Whoever you are, I'll provide the chuhais next time we meet!

Phoenix said...

Why oh why has it taken so long to find you? How I have yearned for a reviewer of the imaginary...

Please allow me to humbly submit my imaginary magazine for your perusal:

Naturally, I'm sure you are a busy man, in tray straining beneath the weight of your imagination, so while i patiently await your review i shall be taking the liberty of installing a link to your blog from my own review blog, which labours under the desire to be the most partial, haphazard and unreliable online guide to the cafes of Europe.

You are, sir, an inspiration.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Thank you for your kind words, Mister Phoenix. I'm glad I can satisfy your need for critical analysis of things that do not inhabit our realm.

While you are correct on my current backlog of things for reviewing (who would have thought there were so many things that didn't exist? I had no idea when I started this project it would be so large), I would be most willing to take a look at your imaginary magazine. If you could please send a copy to me care of this blog, I will see if it is imaginary enough to warrant inclusion.

Thanks again for your kind words, good luck with the European cafes; might I recommend the Denizen (in Prague) and the Craven Beverley in the English village of Chatterstoft? While more like a pub that a true cafe, the latter does serve buns.