Special Report: The Most Romantic Spots in New York

New York City is widely regarded as one of the most romantic places in the world, surpassing Paris, Rome and even Duncan, British Columbia (home of the world’s largest hockey stick and puck). It’s full of beautiful locations to propose, get married, or just stare longingly at loving couples as they flaunt their happiness like peacocks strutting around, not caring one jot for your own miserable, soulless, love-free life. They’ll pay. They’ll all pay.

By way of Congratulations to reportedly recent newlyweds Beyonce and Jay-Z, we got our Imaginary New York Correspondent to file this report on the mushiest, most lovey-dovey places in all of the big apple. Take it away, Imaginary Noo Yoik Correspondent! (He hates it when I call him that)

One of the most popular places for young lovers to go these days is the Dogs D’Amour Internet Café, above the Korean Barbecue on 110th Street. Here, happy couples meet and spend hours chatting on MSN and ICQ, flirting and cooing at each other using the high-resolution webcams and leaving messages on each other’s Facebook walls. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and nothing makes the modern New York couple happier than simulated long-distance relationships. The best part is, once you’ve finished, you actually get to leave with your beau, and possibly even make sweet love to them, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Next to the Paul Smith Store on 54th Street sits the Lovery Love Love Hotel, the centre of the new craze that’s taking America by storm. Due to housing constraints and familial norms in Japan, love hotels have been popular for decades, allowing couples to rent a room by the hour and enjoy all sorts of romantic amenities such as revolving beds and vending machines full of sex toys. Now love hotels are becoming very popular in New York City, and Lovery Love is where it all began. What says “I love you” more than an hour in an anonymous room with non-stop Asian pornography on the television and a bucket full of dildos by the bed? Lovery Love even has many themed rooms, tailored to the western market, including a Happy Days room, a Laverne and Shirley room and a Mork and Mindy room, complete with replica Orson.

Romantic restaurants are ten-a-penny in New York City, but few will get you more in the mood than Jezebel’s. Located in the west side of the north end, Jezebel’s is the only eatery in the city in which couples are tied together upon entry and refused cutlery. A typical three course dinner involves teamwork, mutual feeding and a complete jettison of table manners. By the end of this experience, even the most frigid lovers will become hornier than a rhino sandwich! Unlike many restaurants in New York, there is no extra charge if you are gay, nor if you are over seven feet tall.

On the other hand, make sure you avoid taking your loved one to see Jay Leno on a date. He will steal your girlfriend. Or, if you are someone’s girlfriend, he will steal you. Bastard.