Special Assassin Round-up

The killer-for-hire market is absolutely saturated these days, which is great news for the customer. With never-before-seen offers advertised by some top-quality killers, there’s never been a better time to have your mortal enemy found by their neighbour in several pieces in the car port. But while there are many reputable contract killers out there offering a reliable (and well-priced) service, there are just as many cowboy assassins doing a bad job and putting you in danger of detection by the authorities. Just who can you trust? I investigated, and investigated hard.

Peaches LaRue has been offering a discounted service for some years now, and comes highly recommended by a number of evil supervillains. She’s as attractive as she is deadly, but don’t be distracted by the swimsuit! I paid her to dispose of my former English teacher, a man who once gave me a detention after catching me smoking. (I was in bed with his wife at the time, but that shouldn’t matter.) In any case, Peaches got the job done in her trademark style, strangling him with her thighs and leaving the police with no incriminating fingerprints to speak of. Her prices are very fair, and she even offers a discount to customers who can provide her with the use of a Jacuzzi. She scores eight Steel-Rimmed Bowler Hats out of a possible ten.

Danny’s Deadly Dojo is currently offering a special walk-in deal. For less than fifty dollars, the students there will kill anyone for you within the week. The students have quite a bit of experience in getting rid of one’s enemies, but really, you get what you pay for here. Some of the students can be a little clumsy, so don’t expect a totally clean job. Even so, they can’t be beaten on price. Five steel-rimmed bowler hats.

For over ten years, the enigmatically-named Noel has been a reliable hit man, but I’ve been hearing rumours that he has been going soft in recent times. A quick phone call confirms this. Apparently he’s looking after a young female orphan now, and won’t take on any new jobs unless the client covers her insurance as well as Noel’s. This extra expenditure adds unnecessary money to an already pricey assassin, and while Noel gets the job done, there are many killers who do as good a job for a fraction of the price. Three steel-rimmed bowler hats.

Finally, I have to comment on the assassin known as “Metalface”. This steel-jawed behemoth has been trying to kill me for a few months now, hired – I suspect – by a group of small hat enthusiasts after some negative publicity they received at my hands. Metalface has been a bit of a thorn in my side, but I’ve managed to evade him quite well. Hear that, Small Hats (Incorporating Trilbies) Society? I will not be defeated! Bwah ha ha ha! No steel-rimmed bowler hats for Metalface! Ha ha ha ha ha!