Breakfast Cereal Reviews

Breakfast, they say, is the most important meal of the day. It isn’t. Any meal in which steak doesn’t feature prominently can’t be the best at all. So breakfast is the most important meal of the day that doesn’t have steak in it. But breakfast cereal is great, and many new brands have popped up in recent weeks, leading me to eat them with gusto while making notes in my special little notebook (which has a picture of a palm tree on the cover).

First of all I tried Kellogg’s Moral Fibre. This is sure to be big in America in no time. Moral Fibre consists of small, crunchy flakes of fibrous material, each with an ethically inspirational slogan written on it in tiny letters. As each mouthful of breakfast went down my gullet, I felt more and more altruistic; I can only speculate as to the cereal’s contribution to my actions throughout the day, but I was certainly a better person. My decision not to push an old lady into the path of a passing truck – an uncharacteristic instance of benevolence on my part – certainly could have been down to my choice of breakfast bowl. I can see Kellogg’s Moral Fibre being a big hit in the local prisons. Also, for a limited time, collect enough tokens and you can send off for a copy of Spinoza’s Ethics.

Breakfast of Champions is a very interesting new cereal, available only by mail order from a company called Taste of Victory, Inc. In order to purchase this product, one must apply through the company’s website, and a background check is made by the company to see whether you are, in fact, a champion in some way. If not, you are roundly ignored and must make other dining arrangements. Being pretty much a failure in all my endeavours, I was unable to secure a box of BoC, but an imaginary acquaintance called Marc was able to obtain some on my behalf, as in his youth he was a prominent local pole vaulter.

Breakfast of Champions tastes like success. I understand that this is due to the fact that one of the main ingredients is Tiger Woods’s sweat. This is a highly pleasant sensation, but after I had eaten a bowlful I felt like punching some cub scouts. Checking out the nutritional information, I found that it contains enough testosterone and adrenaline to kill a marmoset; indeed, since I made my way through the box I learned that the International Olympic Committee had announced that anyone caught eating the cereal would be banned from competition and stripped of medals.

Finally, Dictator-Os are a popular new cereal in the former Soviet nations, as yet unavailable in the West through official channels. I received a box of this breakfast treat from my contact Schtoltheim Reinbach III, and I’m told that several Volga boatmen died in the process of smuggling it.

Pouring the milk on the Dictator-Os, I watched with joy as the white liquid turned red with the blood of the innocent. The box, while mostly a functional grey colour, features some fun puzzles on the back, including a “get the democracy campaigner out of prison” maze (don’t spend too much time on this, it’s impossible) and a cut-out-and-keep iron maiden. As to the taste of Dictator-Os, it’s functional, for sure, with no decadent flourishes. It’s crunchy, but not crunchy enough to draw attention to oneself while eating it. Oh, and inside every box is a copy of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, which you can use as a napkin. Great stuff.

Silly Imaginary Reviewer! Trix are for kids!