The Latest Phobias Reviewed!

Last year was a great year for phobias, with the American Psychiatric Association releasing some excellent new ones. Some were so popular that they sold out immediately and there were riots all over the world and in France. Will this year’s phobias be as popular? God knows. And so will you, if you read on.

One of the best fears ever created by the smarty-panted boffins at the APA is Facebookhacksocialpariahphobia. This charmingly-titled irrational pant-shitter makes the sufferer totally terrified that their Facebook account will be hacked by an unscrupulous miscreant. This rotten scoundrel will then change their status update and write insulting wall posts to all their friends, making them an outcast with fewer than 200 chums and only memories of being superpoked.

When I tried this phobia I felt like I needed to constantly be in front of a computer to make sure I was logged in to Facebook, like some crazy square-eyed dipstick. When I was forced to be away from my desk I was terrified that someone would hack into my account and comment that a friend’s baby “looked like a dog-faced imp”. This fear made me steal someone’s chump trumpet so I could access the website through it. All in all, this is an excellent, highly effective phobia. Top marks.

Less successful is Sambeckettohboyphobia, the fear that hearing someone say “oh boy” will make you shift in time and space so that you occupy someone else’s body, only being able to move on once you’ve fixed some injustice in their life, and hoping that every leap will be the leap home. This phobia was pretty ineffective, as nobody says “oh boy” any more, except Buddy Holly, and he’s dead. No points.

Blogspeedphobia is the fear that once your blog gets more than 50 hits in a single day, it must never drop below 50 hits every day from then on, or it will explode. I found this to be an effective phobia, not least because Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock refused to return my calls asking them to spread the word about The Imaginary Review. In the end, to combat this phobia I had Dennis Hopper killed. Job done.

Finally, I am a big fan of Pornstarobitsadnessphobia. This is the fear that unrelated video footage of you crying your eyes out will be used in a news report of the death of a famous porn star. If you suffer from this phobia, you live in the fear that your friends and family will believe that some horny starlet’s premature demise will upset you so much that you will be openly weeping in the streets.

This phobia made me resolve to never again cry with a camera recording me, and forced me to destroy all my home video funeral footage. I also trembled each time a news anchor adopted the grave “death announcement” demeanour, scared that he would announce some glamour model’s tragic death. This is a brilliant phobia, full of layers and suspense, it gets two thumbs up from me.

The Imaginary Reviewer would like to remind you that there is nothing to fear but fear itself. Oh, and snakes.