Wednesday, 8 October 2008

New Words and Phrases Reviewed!

Here at the Imaginary Review, I like to be at the front line of linguistic creation. Lest we forget, I am responsible for the genesis of such excellent new words and phrases as ‘Cockroar’, ‘Apewail’ and ‘Cacophonic bellyhurt of wonderyay’. I’m sure you’ll agree, it’s only a matter of time before everyone is using these on a regular basis, even newsreaders, tennis players and high court judges.

Given this loyalty to the cause of clause applause, I think I am more than able to analyse some of the latest new words and phrases that are hitting the streets like suicidal bankers. Here are my findings!

Chump-trumpet is the new slang word for a mobile phone that is hopelessly outdated and doesn’t even have picture taking capabilities, let alone a terabyte-sized storage space for Panic at the Disco songs. (Example usage: “What’s that brick you’ve got there, John? Oh Christ, that’s a chump trumpet and no mistaking”)

This is a great phrase, with a pleasing almost-rhyming sound and wonderful mouth movements that feel like kisses. I’ll be using this phrase to put down all of my friends who aren’t at the bleeding edge of technological attainment, like me. Rating: A-

Gibbonning is the name given to the practice of employing attractive people to canvas for charities and religious cults in busy shopping centres. Now illegal in many parts of Europe and Australia, Gibbonning typically involves a young man being approached by a gorgeous and friendly young lady. He stops, gets talking and realises too late that she is about to force a copy of The Watchtower on him. (Example usage: “Stay away from that girl over there; she gibbonned me into becoming a Scientologist”)

The word itself is somewhat awkward, and is a little misleading given the context of the abuse of beauty. Rating: D+

Panty Banjo is the impressive skill of removing one’s underwear without affecting the outer garments. While this has been a party trick for many years when done with a bra, young people these days are becoming increasingly adept at panty banjo while wearing jeans. It has to be seen to be believed. (Example usage: “How did he manage that panty banjo while he was wearing leather trousers?”)

Panty banjo is a great little phrase, as the ‘banjo’ part evokes both images of a deftness of fingers and a useless skill. It sounds nice to hear, but saying it can be cumbersome, especially for someone whose lips have a rubber index of more than 8. Rating: B

Gnapply refers to the state of being irritable and bad-tempered after drinking too many carbonated energy drinks. Known in some US states as a ‘judder spasm’, this condition has been known to have caused at least one death since 1998. (Example usage: “Sorry for kicking your aunt last night, mate, I was a bit gnapply”)

I’m somewhat ambivalent towards this phrase. I’m not sure why. The silent ‘g’ really gives it a kick from the start, but by ‘ly’ at the end I’ve lost interest. Plus it also has the potential to be mistaken for ‘nipply’, which, as we all know, is what happens to ladies when it’s cold and Orlando Bloom is on TV. Rating: C+

11 comments:

Dr Zibbs said...

Gibboning - that's my fav.

Red said...

I have a Chump-trumpet. I suck.

Mo said...

Hahahahhahahaha.

Oh god, I've been terribly gnapply this week. Awful, just awful.

Suze said...

Excuse me, my chump-trumpet is ringing. Let me go unzip the carrying case real quick and I'll be back.

katrocket said...

I instantly loved all these phrases before I even read their definitions. This post's rating: A

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Dr Zibbs: Make sure you use it wisely. Don't you just hate those bastards?

Red: Me too. Me too.

Mo: Stay off the Red Bull.

Suze: Nice usage! I hope to see this in the quality press some day.

Kat: Many thanks! The OED and Websters better watch out!

Mathdude said...

I'm a carrying chump-trumpet myself. This posting was 12 shades of awesome.

Chris said...

I love Gibboning or attempts thereof, because the eye candy usually doesn't have enough information to do anything but recite their script. That makes it fun to get them befuddled by asking questions that takes them down a dark, dark road;)

Distributorcap said...

i am so gnapply right now

Chris said...

Now THAT'S funny stuff.

Phoenix said...

Love Chump Trumpet. Will be shouting that on mine in supermarkets and art galleries before the day is out. Did you know that Gibboning is called Chugging in the UK? Sweet and onomatopaeically mobilised contraction of Charity Mugging.

Have you come across (if you'll pardon the suggestion) Roger's Profanisaurus? Even my Czech girlfriend found much to titillate her between its covers.