Tuesday, 14 October 2008

New Numbers Reviewed!

Scientists and boffins of all persuasions are constantly looking for new numbers out there in the vast expanse of space. One of the reasons why the CERN Large Hadron Collider got as much funding as it did was because the physicists in charge promised to find at least four new numbers between eighty and a hundred. So far they haven’t found any because a cat wandered into one of the particle accelerators and now all of the machine’s insides are covered in fur and bits of stomach.

I’ve been looking at the latest in new number findings, and I’m going to write them down like a crazy person with a quill.

Fingma is a slightly irrational number, but not too irrational. It’s about as irrational as taking two umbrellas to a PTA meeting. Fingma is divisible by twelve, but only on weekdays. On weekends it’s known as Cassandra and frequents bars of ill repute, where it cannot be divided by any number, as they’re all too scared of the doorman. This is a shoddily made number, with an unfortunate vagueness around its median, mean and mode.

Named after the genius who discovered it, Seventy Ian comes between seventy two and seventy three. It was found by bisecting a triangle number horizontally, to form a parallelogram number and a smaller triangle number. This latter number was accidentally discarded with some potato peelings and probably will never be seen again. Seventy Ian does not behave well with others, and has anger issues.

NASA has decided that the negative numbers are not being used enough, and are rebranding them in the hope of increasing their popularity. The first such rebranded number is -8, which will now be known as Negative Decadence and will be covered in diamonds. Negative Decadence will be very similar to -8, just a little bit more shiny. I can’t wait to use this negative number, and I plan very big things for it. NASA will release the second new negative number, Negative Sexy, in spring.

Some men with long white coats and bad dandruff problems took the number six thousand, translated it into Japanese with an online translator, and then translated the result back into English. The result, Happy Young \(^o^)/ Go-Chan!-Thousand, is a much better version of six thousand. It can only be multiplied by numbers after they defeat it in hand-to-hand combat and it tastes of squid. Sadly, Happy Young \(^o^)/ Go-Chan!-Thousand has the unfortunate tendency to get drunk on weeknights, and so it adds and subtracts inconsistently after 6:00pm.

Finally, Bwelve is Twelve’s evil identical twin brother who recently admitted to locking his sibling up in a shed for the last three years and assuming his identity. Mathematicians around the world began being suspicious of the number when it uncharacteristically tried to seduce Thirty-Five and was caught attempting to smother Sixty-Six. Twelve has now been returned to action, but any transaction made using the number Twelve since July 2005 will have actually used Bwelve, and must therefore be made again.

16 comments:

Red said...

You need to read the Jasper Fforde Thursday Next books, like, immediately.

words words words said...

This made me laugh bwelve times.

Falwless said...

I can't stop laughing at "Happy Young \(^o^)/ Go-Chan!-Thousand," and I don't even know why. Your humor is like a big box of mysteries.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Red: Are you comparing me to one of the funniest writers out there? Because if you are, I love you forever and ever and ever! (I read The Eyre Affair four years ago and made my way through the rest - including the Jack Sprat ones - since then.)

WWW: If we can get this number in common usage I'd be overjoyed. Let me just contact some people on my chump-trumpet and we'll get it started.

Falwless: Yeah, even I don't get me sometimes.

Mo said...

Oh man, you're brilliant. Now when I send off estimates to clients, I'm going to use Happy Young \(^o^)/ Go-Chan!-Thousand. It sounds so much more fun and carefree than, "Give me $6000. Now."

(And bwelve? Bwahahahahha...)

Suze said...

I am Fingma years old.

Mathdude said...

Can you see why I'm so into math now? Its Happy Young \(^o^)/ Go-Chan!- Thousand times better than other subjects!

Gwen said...

I think I saw Seventy Ian in my compost bin!

ÄsK AliCë said...

My Grandma turns Seventy-Ian this year! What a coincidence!

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Mo: I'm currently lobbying computer manufacturers to include Happy Young \(^o^)/ Go-Chan! keys on their numeric keypads. That should help with your invoicing.

Suze: But only on weekdays, right?

Mathdude: Oh, I agree. Maths is Happy Young \(^o^)/ Go-Chan!-thousand shades of awesome.

Gwen: I'm not sure, but I imagine that it'll probably help you grow massive tomatoes.

Alice: Good luck getting that many candles for her cake...

katrocket said...

"Bwelve" is a new fave!

Jillian said...

"Sadly, Happy Young \(^o^)/ Go-Chan!-Thousand has the unfortunate tendency to get drunk on weeknights, and so it adds and subtracts inconsistently after 6:00pm."

I have this same problem.

Red said...

Yes! I love all those books. Fforde is probably my favorite modern author and you do remind me a lot of him. You're welcome.

BeckEye said...

"Bwelve" sounds like another good euphemism for puking, like Buick.

Grant Miller said...

I read somewhere that 12 is a little light in the loafers, if you catch my drift.

Soda and Candy said...

OK, officially in love with your blog now.