Wednesday, 13 January 2010

The Best Albums of the Decade

So sure, by now you’ve read Pitchfork/Rolling Stone/Now Toronto/Good Housekeeping and their lists of the top albums of the last ten years. Well, as they say in Ghent, we’re saving the best for last. Since November I have sat in my apartment doing nothing but listening to every single album released in every single country since January 1, 2000. And my God, it was worth it. Here are my picks for album of the decade, by genre.

Rock: Fuzzchomp Soundgesture by Cataclysmic Bendystraw (2005, Enterprising Buffoon Records)

Nothing ever came close to CB’s debut from five years ago. The lyrics were so meaningful that all the words in the songs have been banned from use because they will never again have such depth of evocativeness. The guitar sounds were so angular that more than twenty people were cut by sharp noises while listening to the album on headphones. The drums were so rhythmic that some women’s biological cycles attuned to them. This was the sound of the now, the moment, the second, the instant, and Cataclysmic Bendystraw made it sound like it was the future. And it was, in a way.

Honourable mentions:
Gosh, New York is Rather Splendid by The New York Band from New York (2001, New York Records)
Dave Grohl Side Project by The Dave Grohl Side Project Band (2007, Flummoxed by All These Buttons Records)
Hey! Where’s Dave? by The Foo Fighters (minus Dave Grohl) (2007, Record Label Recordings)

Dance: Di-Di-Di-Di-Di-Di-Di-Di-Rewind! by DJ Caddyshack Two and MC Finding Nemo (2003, Wickida Wickida Wack Records)

DJ Caddyshack Two and MC Finding Nemo really were the success story of the noughties. Their humble beginnings as palate cleansers in a New Jersey restaurant led to the biggest selling dance music record ever conceived, with more breaks, beats and funny whirring noises set to steady rhythms created using electronic music machines than any other album. My stand-out track is the one featuring a female vocalist repeating the same line about going out and partying throughout the song.

Honourable Mentions:

Is it Hot in Here or ARE WE DANCING OUR FACES OFF? by DJ Sarcastic and the Yeah Rights (2008, Milton Milton Recordings)
Embarrassing X-Ray by Microphone Insertion (2008, 2008 Records)
The Alex Mack Theme Tune Remix Album by Various Artists (2002, Nickelodeon Records)

Soul/R&B: Girl, I’m Going to Smother You in Lemonade Because the Fridge is Empty and I Forgot to Buy Sexy Smothering Foods by Bo D. Lee-Fluid (2008, Ouch! Records)

No album was sexier than this. Current estimates are that 45% of all children born since 2008 were conceived to this album; indeed, add animals to the equation and the number could be even higher. From ‘Second Wind’ to ‘Have some Kleenex’, all tracks are smooth, sensual and seductive, like that guy who took all my fine art. The only bad song on the album is the unfortunate ‘Girl, Why is there a Bulge in your Pants? (feat. Lady Gaga)’

Honourable Mentions:

None. They were all terrible.

Metal: Grrrthhhrrr NNnnnnggggnnnnrrrrthhhrrr by Ian Derwent and the Lazy Susan Trio (2009, Prawn Sandwich Recordings)

Many were surprised at the quality of this metal album, given that it was recorded by a 60-year-old crooner with three even older ladies backing him up on piano, glockenspiel and coronet. But it really was an excellent record, from the opening track ‘Pissing in the President’s Wound’ to album closer ‘Do you Mind Awfully if I Turn it Down?’ Metal will probably never be the same again, not that it ever was.

Honourable Mentions:

The Bad Man Took My Pens by Feast of Carrion
Some Older Boys Said a Mean Thing by Blood Corpse Death Angel
I Hurt My Leg When I Fell Off the Trampoline by Anal Leakage

14 comments:

BeckEye said...

OH SNAP. We totally should've done our co-blogging thing for this. You probably don't even remember what I'm talking about. Well, it wasn't an imaginary conversation. Gmail saves all.

Hunter said...

Very glad you're back!

‘Girl, Why is there a Bulge in your Pants? (feat. Lady Gaga) -- Perfection.

red said...

Cataclysmic Bendystraw changed my life, man.

Mrs.IR said...

Awesome, Mr. IR. I'm glad to see you're finally out of the den and posting these reviews!

mo.stoneskin said...

This is your way of declaring yourself as a "metal guy". I knew it.

Some Guy said...

The New York Band from New York - classic!

I hope this is just the beginning of "decade in review" retrospectives.

Uriah said...

OMG I love you. I just found you through an old comment on the bloggess and you totally made my day with this.

GARY said...

Good blog~nice to meet u..................................................................

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Beckeye: I was probably drunk.

Hunter: Good to be back. Now, I need to lose about 150 pounds.

Red: You were never there at the beginning, man! It wasn't about the scene! It was about the MUSIC!

Mrs IR: Oh yeah, I totally forgot I was married....how have you been while I was locked in the study?

Mo: I am more metal than the lead singer of Gruntfuck Episode.

Some Guy: It's actually the second in a series! Check out the second to last post!

Uriah: Thanks! Welcome! Hope you enjoy the reviews, please stay a while!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

OH I'm always late to the party. I want all of these recordings especially the "lemonade smothering" one because it would be an asset to my "creative ways to die" collection. :)

Daltana said...

I Hurt My Leg When I Fell Off the Trampoline by Anal Leakage has that great song about the triple back flip followed by the track with details of the ER visit.

I really thought it was better than ID and the Lazy Susan Trio's album

Mathdude said...

what features are on the iphone? what buttons are there and what games can you play? come to iphone.com for the answers.

Mathdude said...

Shit, I forgot to post my spam anonymously.

Mathdude said...

Seriously though, good stuff!