Drop everything. Put down that piece of pie and read this. For I have spent the last four months doing nothing but watch every single film from the last ten years, whittling the whole lot down into one easily digested list and it would be imbecilic not to enjoy the fruits of my hard work and labours.
After 119 days in a darkened room with nothing but a television and DVD player for company, I give you: The Essential Films of the Noughties.
10: James Bond and the Chocolate Factory (2009)
Daniel Craig’s third outing as the eponymous secret agent saw him infiltrate the secret lair of a shady businessman (Johnny Depp) who was producing addictive confectionary. This film had even more midgets than its predecessors, and plenty of daft weaponry to keep the hardest Bond-nuts happy. Who could forget the chocolate-riverboat chase scene? I can’t wait for the sequel, James Bond and the Great Glass Elevator.
9: Disney’s The Little Racist (2001)
Both thought-provoking and fun, this story of a bigoted earthworm in a world full of biodiversity was a surprise hit for the up and coming animation studio.
8: Meet the Pschitt-Fockers (2005)
While some critics moaned that the franchise was losing its way, this sequel to the popular comedies Meet the Parents and Meet the Fockers saw the cast visiting the extended family in Europe. Ben Stiller and Bob De Niro reprise their old roles, with new appearances from Philip Seymour Hoffman as Handfulla Pschitt-Focker and Amy Poehler as Pschittypschittyarsecrapboobstwatpissypissyswearwordsarefunny Pschitt-Focker.
7: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Doing Lots of Things that You Wouldn’t Expect Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to do (2008)
Ho ho ho! This family film was lots of fun, as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) did lots of things you wouldn’t expect him to do, like walk on a tightrope while carrying a baby, dress up as a girl with full make-up and hang-glide off a mountain while singing Mmmbop by Hanson.
6: Utility Knife (2007)
When Blake Twitshelf (David Chunderbung) wakes up chained to a rock in a strange room with nothing but a utility knife and a CD player blaring Billy Joel, he realises that he has become the unwitting participant in a twisted game. Does he have what it takes to cut his own ears off before he goes insane? Grisly but gripping.
5: Whatever Happened to Three Men and a Baby Jane? (2002)
This psychological thriller sees Tom Selleck, Sam from Cheers and Cory Haim (replacing sadly deceased original cast member Steve Guttenberg) confined to a house after a car accident. They depend on their sister, played by the shambling corpse of Bette Davis, who is abusive towards them and makes them eat rats. I liked this film because it’s always nice to see Tom Selleck in extreme discomfort.
4: Gaping Muff-Chutes 4 (2007)
Say what you like about this film, but I really liked it.
3: Twenty-Seven People Whose Lives are Quite Independent but who are Brought Together by a Random Event that Prompts them to See the Similarities Between Themselves (2004)
For much of this film I was quite confused as to why I was being made to watch these people with their independent lives going about their aforementioned independent lives in totally independent ways. But then when the random event occurs, I could see that they were all fated to meet and holy shit that totally blew my mind, bro. Starring a veritable Benetton commercial of B-list actors.
2: Wotcha Cockney Knees-Up on the Old Apples an’ Pears wiv the Old Joanna, Innit? (2002)
While some critics dismissed Guy Ritchie as a one-trick-pony, the director himself proved them wrong with an entertaining crime caper set in Lahndahn wiv real Lahndahners, innit. Sir Georgeington Douglas-Smeltsbridge starred as Bob “Shifty Bricks” Jones while Lord Asquith Givenchy-DeGoosehelmet co-starred as Ebenezer “The Geezer” Beezer. The dialogue was fresh as a butcher’s hat while the action scenes kicked more arse than a parrotful of donkeys.
1: Creationism: The Musical (2005)
No film typified the return of the musical genre than this, the inspirational tale of a group of people unfettered by logic, reasoning and good sense. While ostensibly a love story at heart, this film captures hatred in a way no other film ever has; hatred for gay people, for women, for poor people, for racial minorities, for people living in other countries, for anyone other than themselves and for themselves. And what musical numbers! Everyone was singing the wonderful songs such as I Can Shout Louder than You (So I Must Be Right), He May Be an Obese Drug Addict But I’ll Still Love Him in a Totally Non-Gay Way and Who Would Jesus Hate?