Friday, 1 August 2008

New Vehicle Review: The Saab Clytemnestra 350

With a simultaneous release throughout the world, the Saab Clytemnestra 350 is the newest addition to the pantheon of smaller, more economical cars that are attracting drivers at an astounding rate. At an affordable price, and with a host of features – including some that have never been seen before – this car is certainly going to be flying out of the showrooms (in a driving sense; they don’t actually fly).

The Saab is quite sleek for a three-door vehicle, and it’s clear that the manufacturers spent a great deal of time and effort into the Clytemnestra’s looks. The interior, too, is wonderful to look at, with stylish oak panelling and a green leather effect. Taken together, you’d be forgiven for thinking that you were in a Victorian-era library rather than a new car.

With 5-speed manual transmission and automatic models, there’s a Clytemnestra for everybody. The safety features are top drawer (it has an RAC safety rating of 4.0) and the handling of the car is superb. The icing on the cake, however, lies in the fuel efficiency. You see, rather than running on outrageously-priced gasoline or the few-and-far-between electricity outlets, the Saab Clytemnestra 350 runs on human despair.

So, while all the gullible fools were queuing up to line the pockets of Shell et al, or looking around the city in vain for a recharging station, I was zooming along, happy in the knowledge that my car would run for as long as there was suffering in the world.

The science behind the engineering is complicated and vague, but a special carburetor works by channelling all the misery and despair in the atmosphere and converting it into kinetic energy. The engine makes very little noise compared to a petrol-propelled car, but if you listen carefully when speeding along the freeway, you might be able to make out individual sobs coming from under the hood. As a further bonus, there is very little in the way of environmentally harmful exhaust products, too. For every hundred miles you drive in the Clytemnestra, you’ll produce around three hundred millipockets of angst.

The Saab Clytemnestra 350 drives like a dream, and the smoothness of the ride makes one forget that their vehicle is being powered by human sadness. Saab has announced that from now on all their new cars will be powered in this way, and have promised that the fuel source will never run out. But should the unthinkable happen and everyone on Earth becomes happy, the company have pledged to create an oil tanker disaster in an orphanage, an act that will hopefully redress the balance.

In summary, then, the Saab Clytemnestra 350 is a great car that helps ordinary people like you and your friends do something for the environment by taking advantage of the misery and despair that is just being wasted by senseless, greedy sadsacks.

Insert humorous italicised end details here; just put some nonsense about cars or something. Blah blah blah, windscreen wiper fluid. That kind of thing. I’m off for a pint.

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