Friday, 15 August 2008

This Month's Eagerly Awaited Magazines

Take a look on the shelves of a reputable magazine emporium and you’re sure to find something worth reading. Whether you’re into home improvement, singing cowboys, casual racism or spirit photography, there’s something for you. And what could be more pleasant than reading the contents of a magazine, whether on a park bench, in the bath or over the shoulder of the woman in front of you on the Ottawa-Toronto Greyhound bus who deliberately turns the pages over before you’re finished with them?

I happen to be somewhat of an expert in the world of magazines, having received rejection letters from many of them. Here I’ve managed to get my hands on some of the most hotly anticipated issues from the biggest publications in the world. Enjoy my reviews, ye feeble, and rejoice!

This month, Cosmopolitan magazine has a special Dubai Economy issue. I was particularly engrossed by the article on how the country’s switch from a trade-based to a tourism- and service-based economy can help you please your man in the bedroom. It seems that a combination of sexy lingerie and the Palm Jumeirah artificial island are all it takes to drive a man wild.

Being burdened with a y-chromosome, I’m not usually one for reading Cosmo, but I found this issue difficult to put down. The interview with Sandra Oh, in which she talks at length on the proliferation of industry-specific free economic zones in Dubai, is fantastic. Of course, there are articles that would be far more interesting to Cosmo’s regular readers, like the one in which the relationship between Dubai’s free trade in gold and its interest rates are discussed with regard to how fashionable Ugg Boots and black cocktail dresses are.

Also this month, Forbes magazine will have an issue dedicated to Llamas. I will confess, I didn’t enjoy this publication nearly as much as I was expecting. The article by G. Donald Jameson on the effect of South American camelids on international currency markets, for example, contained many errors and omissions. Has Jameson forgotten the Peruvian Alpaca Recession of 1973? From its non-featuring here, one would have to assume so.

Of course, Forbes magazine succeeds most in its lists, and the high point of this otherwise poor publication is the Top 100 Llama Rich List, which does turn up a few surprises. Jonty, Bill Gates’ pet guanaco, has been replaced at the number 1 spot by the four llamas owned by the Sultan of Brunei, Tinky Winky, Laa-Laa, Dipsy and Clive.

National Geographic is pushing the publishing boundaries this month with a special Sex Issue. Whether this attention-grabbing ploy will increase their sales remains to be seen, but on the whole the issue is as interesting as past ones, and rarely descends into gratuity.

The magazine’s writers sent a sex survey to over a thousand different species of insect, and the results are little short of astounding! Who would have thought the beetles do it more often than the fruit flies? Not I. And don’t get me started on the grasshoppers; those guys are naaasty.

With articles on what the ancient Incans can teach us about romance, advice on invertebrate threesomes and some pretty raunchy (but beautiful) photos of monkey coitus, be sure to put National Geographic’s sex issue at the top of your purchasing list, if you have one. If you don’t have one, how do you decide what to buy? Weirdo.

The Imaginary Reviewer accepts no responsibility for paper cuts received as a result of purchases made on his recommendation. For subscription enquiries, bang head against brick wall while robotic voice spouts an infinitude of totally irrelevant options over the phone.


Bitterly Indifferent said...

Huh. If it's okay with you, I might stea... er, borrow "Raunchy (but beautiful)," as I've been looking for something to put on my business cards.

Feisty Democrat said...

You didn't like the Llama issue of Forbes? Really? I thought it was the best llama-based stories I've read in a while.

Dr Zibbs said...

Whenever I see a llama and it's behind bars, I taunt it by saying, "look at you! You're GOOFY! Your're the own of the clowns of the animal kingdom."

Mo said...

Oh man, I was going to try and come up with something biting and witty, but this shit is just too funny. I can't compete. The Cosmo Dubai issue nearly made me wet myself. What a piece of junk publication. One of the biggest wastes of paper ever. I mean, are there really that many ways to please a man? They've been writing that article month after month, year after year. They've got to start running out of body parts and things to do to them eventually. Or maybe I just lack imagination. God. I do. I better go out and buy Cosmo.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

PMJG: You just totally changed my mental image of you.

Mathdude: The llama-based issue of Fortune was far more well done, in my honest-yet-slightly-gassy opinion.

The Good Doctor: They must hate you at llama prison.

Mo: There are many ways to please a man, according to the new Llama-centric issue of Miss Magazine. Buy him a llama, for example. There are also quite a few ways to please your llama; for more information see the article on the subject in next month's Maxim.

Anonymous said...

Dude, I have a funny story about Llamas. He once totally boinked this chick in the freezer department at Safeway and got frostbite on his nancy.

Oh wait, LLAMAS! I was thinking of Lorenzo Lamas.

Good work though, huh.