The Imaginary Reviewer Reviews his own Valentine’s Day Cards

Being facially flawless, an Adonis in the body and utterly hilarious when I intend to be (and sometimes when I don't), I have a great many admirers from all of the genders. And on a day like today, when romance is in the air like pages from a discarded newspaper, these admirers tend to send me their declarations of love, romantic admiration and lustful intent.

Indeed, such is the weight of the cards that cascade through my letterbox on February 14 that I am forced to stop my cat from sleeping in his favourite spot by the front door, lest he drowns in the swathes of Valentine’s Day mail.

This year is no different, and I thought I would share and review the many wonderful letters and cards that I received today.

First off, a beautifully written letter came all the way from an anonymous sender in Britain. In honeyed words and sweet, sweet verses, the person who wrote the letter conveyed their love for me with such poetic grace that I was almost moved to tears. Phrases such as “previous months’ payments have gone unpaid,” “collection agency” and “failure to pay will result in legal action” brought back memories of a more innocent time, running through wheat fields and playing by a lake. To whoever sent me this letter, I will certainly think fondly of them in the future, even if I don’t take up their offer to “call and discuss [my] borrowing arrangements as soon as possible,” as they so sexily ask.

Picking another Valentine arrival at random, I find a melodic and wondrous affirmation of someone’s desire for my booty. With a photograph of a slim and attractive woman on the front (is it too much to think this may be the sender?), the interior has a dulcet piece of romantic poetry, written by a hand no doubt angelic and tender. “Join Cavendish Avenue Gym/Save 15% on membership fees before March,” it begins, and my heart melts into blissful ardour.

But not all the mail I received today was as romantic and moving as these last two. One attempt at visual poetry, in my opinion, crossed the boundaries between good and bad taste, sinking into the pit of perversion and indecency. The letter, full of pictures of food and household products, was no doubt trying to kindle feelings of desire and lust within me, but this 8-page piece of filth did the opposite. Even the text - “25 cents off” this and “buy two get one free” that – was nothing if not crude.

But finally, one letter stands out above all the others. The beauty, strength of feeling and romance contained within it could in my mind be seen to equal anything written by Shakespeare, the romantic poets or even Terence Trent D’Arby. “Dear Imaginary Reviewer,” it begins, “thank you for your interest in our magazine.” Ah, I shudder to copy those words down myself! It goes on: “But we regret to inform you that your piece entitled ‘6 People Who Changed the Way We Look at Canaries’ has been deemed unfit for publication in Fortune Magazine. Good luck with your future endeavours.” Ah, Graham Belevedere, commissioning editor of Fortune Magazine, you saucy minx! I shall hold your letter close to my heart as I lie in my boudoir tonight, thinking of the sweet love that you have conveyed to me in this missive!

And who knows, Graham, who knows? Maybe one day we shall meet, and then we shall see if the love you make is as beautiful as the love you commit to paper.

The Imaginary Reviewer’s Valentine’s Cards have been donated to the British Museum for posterity. They can be viewed in the large blue bins outside the back of the building until Tuesday, when the recycling vans come.

This Month's Eagerly Awaited Magazines

Take a look on the shelves of a reputable magazine emporium and you’re sure to find something worth reading. Whether you’re into home improvement, singing cowboys, casual racism or spirit photography, there’s something for you. And what could be more pleasant than reading the contents of a magazine, whether on a park bench, in the bath or over the shoulder of the woman in front of you on the Ottawa-Toronto Greyhound bus who deliberately turns the pages over before you’re finished with them?

I happen to be somewhat of an expert in the world of magazines, having received rejection letters from many of them. Here I’ve managed to get my hands on some of the most hotly anticipated issues from the biggest publications in the world. Enjoy my reviews, ye feeble, and rejoice!

This month, Cosmopolitan magazine has a special Dubai Economy issue. I was particularly engrossed by the article on how the country’s switch from a trade-based to a tourism- and service-based economy can help you please your man in the bedroom. It seems that a combination of sexy lingerie and the Palm Jumeirah artificial island are all it takes to drive a man wild.

Being burdened with a y-chromosome, I’m not usually one for reading Cosmo, but I found this issue difficult to put down. The interview with Sandra Oh, in which she talks at length on the proliferation of industry-specific free economic zones in Dubai, is fantastic. Of course, there are articles that would be far more interesting to Cosmo’s regular readers, like the one in which the relationship between Dubai’s free trade in gold and its interest rates are discussed with regard to how fashionable Ugg Boots and black cocktail dresses are.

Also this month, Forbes magazine will have an issue dedicated to Llamas. I will confess, I didn’t enjoy this publication nearly as much as I was expecting. The article by G. Donald Jameson on the effect of South American camelids on international currency markets, for example, contained many errors and omissions. Has Jameson forgotten the Peruvian Alpaca Recession of 1973? From its non-featuring here, one would have to assume so.

Of course, Forbes magazine succeeds most in its lists, and the high point of this otherwise poor publication is the Top 100 Llama Rich List, which does turn up a few surprises. Jonty, Bill Gates’ pet guanaco, has been replaced at the number 1 spot by the four llamas owned by the Sultan of Brunei, Tinky Winky, Laa-Laa, Dipsy and Clive.

National Geographic is pushing the publishing boundaries this month with a special Sex Issue. Whether this attention-grabbing ploy will increase their sales remains to be seen, but on the whole the issue is as interesting as past ones, and rarely descends into gratuity.

The magazine’s writers sent a sex survey to over a thousand different species of insect, and the results are little short of astounding! Who would have thought the beetles do it more often than the fruit flies? Not I. And don’t get me started on the grasshoppers; those guys are naaasty.

With articles on what the ancient Incans can teach us about romance, advice on invertebrate threesomes and some pretty raunchy (but beautiful) photos of monkey coitus, be sure to put National Geographic’s sex issue at the top of your purchasing list, if you have one. If you don’t have one, how do you decide what to buy? Weirdo.

The Imaginary Reviewer accepts no responsibility for paper cuts received as a result of purchases made on his recommendation. For subscription enquiries, bang head against brick wall while robotic voice spouts an infinitude of totally irrelevant options over the phone.

Special Valentine's Day Review: Lovers

As it's Valentine's Day, I thought today I'd review some of the lovers I've enjoyed in recent weeks.

First off, there's Suzanne, who scored very highly indeed. She was a little more expensive than other lovers, but first impressions were good: a full body, rich, and most pleasing on the eye. I detected fragrances of jasmine and summer fruits, with a hint of leather and birchwood. Suzanne has a unique velvetty texture which feels especially good at the back of the tongue; this is complimented by a gently brittle aftertaste which is both alluring and fragile. If I had one complaint with this lover, it's the unnecessarily high alcohol content. But this splitting hairs; she certainly goes down well, and her tannins are delightful.

Gabrielle on the other hand, was a disaster. She started promisingly enough, with a slow, downtempo effort that was both sensual and sexy. It was mostly downhill from then on, unfortunately, with much of what passed afterwards being filler. The heavy, fast-paced rhythms of our later meetings simply did nothing for me, and the spoken word sections were, quite frankly, embarrassing. It's a shame, because I've heard many good things about Gabrielle's live shows. Perhaps that's where she excels.

Finally, I wasn't expecting much from Benjamin, but I'm happy to say that I was pleasantly surprised. Despite my being relatively new to this particular style of lover, Benjamin was a joy from start to end. I just could not put him down. His opening lines had me hooked, and his prose was truly delightful; indeed, I was literally struck dumb by one of his passages in particular. I understand why people may think that he is a little overlong, but when a lover is as satisfying as this, I don't have a problem with length. If anything, I would have enjoyed even more! Benjamin was gripping throughout, and had a wonderfully explosive climax. Fantastic.

Happy Valentine's Day!