The Imaginary Reviewer Reviews his own Valentine’s Day Cards

Being facially flawless, an Adonis in the body and utterly hilarious when I intend to be (and sometimes when I don't), I have a great many admirers from all of the genders. And on a day like today, when romance is in the air like pages from a discarded newspaper, these admirers tend to send me their declarations of love, romantic admiration and lustful intent.

Indeed, such is the weight of the cards that cascade through my letterbox on February 14 that I am forced to stop my cat from sleeping in his favourite spot by the front door, lest he drowns in the swathes of Valentine’s Day mail.

This year is no different, and I thought I would share and review the many wonderful letters and cards that I received today.

First off, a beautifully written letter came all the way from an anonymous sender in Britain. In honeyed words and sweet, sweet verses, the person who wrote the letter conveyed their love for me with such poetic grace that I was almost moved to tears. Phrases such as “previous months’ payments have gone unpaid,” “collection agency” and “failure to pay will result in legal action” brought back memories of a more innocent time, running through wheat fields and playing by a lake. To whoever sent me this letter, I will certainly think fondly of them in the future, even if I don’t take up their offer to “call and discuss [my] borrowing arrangements as soon as possible,” as they so sexily ask.

Picking another Valentine arrival at random, I find a melodic and wondrous affirmation of someone’s desire for my booty. With a photograph of a slim and attractive woman on the front (is it too much to think this may be the sender?), the interior has a dulcet piece of romantic poetry, written by a hand no doubt angelic and tender. “Join Cavendish Avenue Gym/Save 15% on membership fees before March,” it begins, and my heart melts into blissful ardour.

But not all the mail I received today was as romantic and moving as these last two. One attempt at visual poetry, in my opinion, crossed the boundaries between good and bad taste, sinking into the pit of perversion and indecency. The letter, full of pictures of food and household products, was no doubt trying to kindle feelings of desire and lust within me, but this 8-page piece of filth did the opposite. Even the text - “25 cents off” this and “buy two get one free” that – was nothing if not crude.

But finally, one letter stands out above all the others. The beauty, strength of feeling and romance contained within it could in my mind be seen to equal anything written by Shakespeare, the romantic poets or even Terence Trent D’Arby. “Dear Imaginary Reviewer,” it begins, “thank you for your interest in our magazine.” Ah, I shudder to copy those words down myself! It goes on: “But we regret to inform you that your piece entitled ‘6 People Who Changed the Way We Look at Canaries’ has been deemed unfit for publication in Fortune Magazine. Good luck with your future endeavours.” Ah, Graham Belevedere, commissioning editor of Fortune Magazine, you saucy minx! I shall hold your letter close to my heart as I lie in my boudoir tonight, thinking of the sweet love that you have conveyed to me in this missive!

And who knows, Graham, who knows? Maybe one day we shall meet, and then we shall see if the love you make is as beautiful as the love you commit to paper.

The Imaginary Reviewer’s Valentine’s Cards have been donated to the British Museum for posterity. They can be viewed in the large blue bins outside the back of the building until Tuesday, when the recycling vans come.

Special Report: The Most Romantic Spots in New York

New York City is widely regarded as one of the most romantic places in the world, surpassing Paris, Rome and even Duncan, British Columbia (home of the world’s largest hockey stick and puck). It’s full of beautiful locations to propose, get married, or just stare longingly at loving couples as they flaunt their happiness like peacocks strutting around, not caring one jot for your own miserable, soulless, love-free life. They’ll pay. They’ll all pay.

By way of Congratulations to reportedly recent newlyweds Beyonce and Jay-Z, we got our Imaginary New York Correspondent to file this report on the mushiest, most lovey-dovey places in all of the big apple. Take it away, Imaginary Noo Yoik Correspondent! (He hates it when I call him that)

One of the most popular places for young lovers to go these days is the Dogs D’Amour Internet Café, above the Korean Barbecue on 110th Street. Here, happy couples meet and spend hours chatting on MSN and ICQ, flirting and cooing at each other using the high-resolution webcams and leaving messages on each other’s Facebook walls. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and nothing makes the modern New York couple happier than simulated long-distance relationships. The best part is, once you’ve finished, you actually get to leave with your beau, and possibly even make sweet love to them, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Next to the Paul Smith Store on 54th Street sits the Lovery Love Love Hotel, the centre of the new craze that’s taking America by storm. Due to housing constraints and familial norms in Japan, love hotels have been popular for decades, allowing couples to rent a room by the hour and enjoy all sorts of romantic amenities such as revolving beds and vending machines full of sex toys. Now love hotels are becoming very popular in New York City, and Lovery Love is where it all began. What says “I love you” more than an hour in an anonymous room with non-stop Asian pornography on the television and a bucket full of dildos by the bed? Lovery Love even has many themed rooms, tailored to the western market, including a Happy Days room, a Laverne and Shirley room and a Mork and Mindy room, complete with replica Orson.

Romantic restaurants are ten-a-penny in New York City, but few will get you more in the mood than Jezebel’s. Located in the west side of the north end, Jezebel’s is the only eatery in the city in which couples are tied together upon entry and refused cutlery. A typical three course dinner involves teamwork, mutual feeding and a complete jettison of table manners. By the end of this experience, even the most frigid lovers will become hornier than a rhino sandwich! Unlike many restaurants in New York, there is no extra charge if you are gay, nor if you are over seven feet tall.

On the other hand, make sure you avoid taking your loved one to see Jay Leno on a date. He will steal your girlfriend. Or, if you are someone’s girlfriend, he will steal you. Bastard.

Special Valentine's Day Review: Lovers

As it's Valentine's Day, I thought today I'd review some of the lovers I've enjoyed in recent weeks.

First off, there's Suzanne, who scored very highly indeed. She was a little more expensive than other lovers, but first impressions were good: a full body, rich, and most pleasing on the eye. I detected fragrances of jasmine and summer fruits, with a hint of leather and birchwood. Suzanne has a unique velvetty texture which feels especially good at the back of the tongue; this is complimented by a gently brittle aftertaste which is both alluring and fragile. If I had one complaint with this lover, it's the unnecessarily high alcohol content. But this splitting hairs; she certainly goes down well, and her tannins are delightful.

Gabrielle on the other hand, was a disaster. She started promisingly enough, with a slow, downtempo effort that was both sensual and sexy. It was mostly downhill from then on, unfortunately, with much of what passed afterwards being filler. The heavy, fast-paced rhythms of our later meetings simply did nothing for me, and the spoken word sections were, quite frankly, embarrassing. It's a shame, because I've heard many good things about Gabrielle's live shows. Perhaps that's where she excels.

Finally, I wasn't expecting much from Benjamin, but I'm happy to say that I was pleasantly surprised. Despite my being relatively new to this particular style of lover, Benjamin was a joy from start to end. I just could not put him down. His opening lines had me hooked, and his prose was truly delightful; indeed, I was literally struck dumb by one of his passages in particular. I understand why people may think that he is a little overlong, but when a lover is as satisfying as this, I don't have a problem with length. If anything, I would have enjoyed even more! Benjamin was gripping throughout, and had a wonderfully explosive climax. Fantastic.

Happy Valentine's Day!