The Imaginary Reviewer Reviews his own Valentine’s Day Cards

Being facially flawless, an Adonis in the body and utterly hilarious when I intend to be (and sometimes when I don't), I have a great many admirers from all of the genders. And on a day like today, when romance is in the air like pages from a discarded newspaper, these admirers tend to send me their declarations of love, romantic admiration and lustful intent.

Indeed, such is the weight of the cards that cascade through my letterbox on February 14 that I am forced to stop my cat from sleeping in his favourite spot by the front door, lest he drowns in the swathes of Valentine’s Day mail.

This year is no different, and I thought I would share and review the many wonderful letters and cards that I received today.

First off, a beautifully written letter came all the way from an anonymous sender in Britain. In honeyed words and sweet, sweet verses, the person who wrote the letter conveyed their love for me with such poetic grace that I was almost moved to tears. Phrases such as “previous months’ payments have gone unpaid,” “collection agency” and “failure to pay will result in legal action” brought back memories of a more innocent time, running through wheat fields and playing by a lake. To whoever sent me this letter, I will certainly think fondly of them in the future, even if I don’t take up their offer to “call and discuss [my] borrowing arrangements as soon as possible,” as they so sexily ask.

Picking another Valentine arrival at random, I find a melodic and wondrous affirmation of someone’s desire for my booty. With a photograph of a slim and attractive woman on the front (is it too much to think this may be the sender?), the interior has a dulcet piece of romantic poetry, written by a hand no doubt angelic and tender. “Join Cavendish Avenue Gym/Save 15% on membership fees before March,” it begins, and my heart melts into blissful ardour.

But not all the mail I received today was as romantic and moving as these last two. One attempt at visual poetry, in my opinion, crossed the boundaries between good and bad taste, sinking into the pit of perversion and indecency. The letter, full of pictures of food and household products, was no doubt trying to kindle feelings of desire and lust within me, but this 8-page piece of filth did the opposite. Even the text - “25 cents off” this and “buy two get one free” that – was nothing if not crude.

But finally, one letter stands out above all the others. The beauty, strength of feeling and romance contained within it could in my mind be seen to equal anything written by Shakespeare, the romantic poets or even Terence Trent D’Arby. “Dear Imaginary Reviewer,” it begins, “thank you for your interest in our magazine.” Ah, I shudder to copy those words down myself! It goes on: “But we regret to inform you that your piece entitled ‘6 People Who Changed the Way We Look at Canaries’ has been deemed unfit for publication in Fortune Magazine. Good luck with your future endeavours.” Ah, Graham Belevedere, commissioning editor of Fortune Magazine, you saucy minx! I shall hold your letter close to my heart as I lie in my boudoir tonight, thinking of the sweet love that you have conveyed to me in this missive!

And who knows, Graham, who knows? Maybe one day we shall meet, and then we shall see if the love you make is as beautiful as the love you commit to paper.

The Imaginary Reviewer’s Valentine’s Cards have been donated to the British Museum for posterity. They can be viewed in the large blue bins outside the back of the building until Tuesday, when the recycling vans come.

The Imaginary Reviewer Writes a Letter: Part 6

You’ll forgive me, loyal readers, for being unable to contain my excitement; The Imaginary Review, after 18 months and more than 150 reviews of things that don’t exist, is finally going places. I’ve finally got that big offer. I’m finally able to blow this popsicle stand and move on to the big bucks.

You see, dear reader, an hour ago I got an email from a man called Bill Wilson, President of a group called Americans for a Limited Government. The have invited me to ‘become a key member of the exciting new conservative “bloggers central,”’ which I believe to be an offer far too good to pass up. So with your indulgence, I’d like to run my response by you before I send it for truesies. Let me know what you think.


Dear Bill,

It is with fluttering heart and throbbing member that I read your epistle, such is the excitement that it gives me. Such praise! Such ebullient tribute! Such overdue recognition! Thank you!

When you tell me that I play “a critical role…in gathering, assimilating, and disseminating news and commentary,” you’re referring to that review of lovers I wrote for Valentine’s Day, aren’t you? Or is it the pet review from last year? It’s both, isn’t it? Yeah, I thought so. I remember writing them both and thinking to myself, “Imaginary Reviewer, that is some bad-ass disseminating, right there. The world had better ready itself for this dissemination. I’ve never disseminated this much in quite a while.”

Wait, forget that last part. I just looked up ‘disseminate’ in the dictionary, and it doesn’t mean ‘wank’. I take that last part back. Let’s move on.

When you tell me that you “personally, [are] deeply grateful to [me] for taking the lead in fighting some of the most important battles our country has faced over the past decade, and more,” I find myself nodding in agreement. It was a brave move, I think, fighting against the headwear industry in my imaginary hat review last year, and I know that I put a lot of noses out of joint when I gave a less-than-stellar review to Puff Daddy’s covers album. But one has to pick one’s battles, when one’s country is at stake, wouldn’t you agree?

By the way, when you say “our country,” what exactly do you mean? I only ask because I had assumed you were American, what with you being the President of a group called ‘Americans for Limited Government’. And, you know, with that whole part where I’m not American, I was given the – no doubt foolish – impression that you hadn’t done your research. But no, such an important man such as yourself would not send such a profound invitation without knowing that I am British. I’m sure your organisation’s title is ironic. You’re probably based near Newcastle or Carlisle.

By the way, the features of the website you have invited me to join sound incredible. Being able to post my own blogs? Interfacing with bloggers worldwide (and not just in “our country”)? Being able to customize my profile? Whoa there, Seabiscuit! You just blew my mind!

And if I may quote you again, you say that you “have asked ALG's Director of New Media, Adam Bitely, to follow up on this note with a letter of his own providing [me] the exciting details on how NRN can help [me] grow [my] own blog.” Grow my own blog? Really? I tried growing a Venus flytrap once and it died. Well, when I say ‘died’, I mean ‘never even sprouted’. I hope you know what you’re doing.

So thank you for your invitation, I can’t wait to join my fellow members of the “Conservative Blogosphere,” as you call it. I will do my best to help ‘our countrymen’ – nudge nudge, wink wink – limit the government through hilarious reviews of imaginary creations. I’m sure I’ll be able to push forward your aims of funding ballot initiatives throughout the US with my series of seasonal gift reviews throughout December.

So, in summary, thank you Bill. I promise I won’t let you, Adam Bitely, or the other ‘Americans’ down.

The Imaginary Reviewer

PS: Being able to post my own blogs? Seriously? Christ in a bathtub, this is going to be HUGE!

The Imaginary Reviewer Writes a Letter: Part 2

Last week I posted a letter that I had sent to the entertainment editor of Now Toronto magazine, asking her if the publication needed someone to write some reviews for them. Several weeks later, the letter still has not been replied to, a development that I find somewhat odd, given the quality of the epistle and the fact that I recently acquired a new printer.

So it occurred to me that my strategy had been all wrong. The entertainment editor of Now Toronto was probably the wrong person to contact. How busy she must be! Toronto is a large place and entertainment is on practically every corner! Indeed, I know of some corners where entertainment is available in pairs and even threesomes (Dutch is extra, however). With all that entertainment on offer, simply selecting what entertainment to review must take up a lot of her time! She can't be expected to respond to every single urchin who comes begging at her door! So, I decided, maybe I was setting my sights too high.

For this reason, then, I wrote a second letter to Now Toronto magazine, for the attention of their Senior Music Writer. And to make sure I was not ignored again, I added a diagram. I imagine the brilliance of my letter must have knocked the gentleman in question out of his seat, making him bang his head on a desk and forcing him to take several weeks off work to recover, as I am still awaiting a reply.

As before, click on the image to embiggenify.