Monday, 1 December 2008

The Imaginary Reviewer Writes a Letter: Part 6

You’ll forgive me, loyal readers, for being unable to contain my excitement; The Imaginary Review, after 18 months and more than 150 reviews of things that don’t exist, is finally going places. I’ve finally got that big offer. I’m finally able to blow this popsicle stand and move on to the big bucks.

You see, dear reader, an hour ago I got an email from a man called Bill Wilson, President of a group called Americans for a Limited Government. The have invited me to ‘become a key member of the exciting new conservative “bloggers central,”’ which I believe to be an offer far too good to pass up. So with your indulgence, I’d like to run my response by you before I send it for truesies. Let me know what you think.

Dear Bill,

It is with fluttering heart and throbbing member that I read your epistle, such is the excitement that it gives me. Such praise! Such ebullient tribute! Such overdue recognition! Thank you!

When you tell me that I play “a critical role…in gathering, assimilating, and disseminating news and commentary,” you’re referring to that review of lovers I wrote for Valentine’s Day, aren’t you? Or is it the pet review from last year? It’s both, isn’t it? Yeah, I thought so. I remember writing them both and thinking to myself, “Imaginary Reviewer, that is some bad-ass disseminating, right there. The world had better ready itself for this dissemination. I’ve never disseminated this much in quite a while.”

Wait, forget that last part. I just looked up ‘disseminate’ in the dictionary, and it doesn’t mean ‘wank’. I take that last part back. Let’s move on.

When you tell me that you “personally, [are] deeply grateful to [me] for taking the lead in fighting some of the most important battles our country has faced over the past decade, and more,” I find myself nodding in agreement. It was a brave move, I think, fighting against the headwear industry in my imaginary hat review last year, and I know that I put a lot of noses out of joint when I gave a less-than-stellar review to Puff Daddy’s covers album. But one has to pick one’s battles, when one’s country is at stake, wouldn’t you agree?

By the way, when you say “our country,” what exactly do you mean? I only ask because I had assumed you were American, what with you being the President of a group called ‘Americans for Limited Government’. And, you know, with that whole part where I’m not American, I was given the – no doubt foolish – impression that you hadn’t done your research. But no, such an important man such as yourself would not send such a profound invitation without knowing that I am British. I’m sure your organisation’s title is ironic. You’re probably based near Newcastle or Carlisle.

By the way, the features of the website you have invited me to join sound incredible. Being able to post my own blogs? Interfacing with bloggers worldwide (and not just in “our country”)? Being able to customize my profile? Whoa there, Seabiscuit! You just blew my mind!

And if I may quote you again, you say that you “have asked ALG's Director of New Media, Adam Bitely, to follow up on this note with a letter of his own providing [me] the exciting details on how NRN can help [me] grow [my] own blog.” Grow my own blog? Really? I tried growing a Venus flytrap once and it died. Well, when I say ‘died’, I mean ‘never even sprouted’. I hope you know what you’re doing.

So thank you for your invitation, I can’t wait to join my fellow members of the “Conservative Blogosphere,” as you call it. I will do my best to help ‘our countrymen’ – nudge nudge, wink wink – limit the government through hilarious reviews of imaginary creations. I’m sure I’ll be able to push forward your aims of funding ballot initiatives throughout the US with my series of seasonal gift reviews throughout December.

So, in summary, thank you Bill. I promise I won’t let you, Adam Bitely, or the other ‘Americans’ down.

The Imaginary Reviewer

PS: Being able to post my own blogs? Seriously? Christ in a bathtub, this is going to be HUGE!


Distributorcap said...

well it does beat Nigerian bankers

Anonymous said...

You had me at throbbing member. You had me at throbbing member...

Bitterly Indifferent said...

Humbug. You're as American as apple pie, baseball, and gay sex in Minneapolis airport bathrooms. "American" isn't a phrase we use to describe continent of origin anymore, it's a state of mind.

Gwen said...

You should consider yourself lucky that the Venus flytrap never sprouted because those things reek to high heaven while they're digesting.

Congrats on the new gig with ALG. It beats selling v1*gra.

Falwless said...

I love you, TIR.

And I equally love "Christ in a bathtub." Beautiful.

Red said...

I challenge you to a write-off when I start writing for American's for a Bigger Government than Sweden.

katrocket said...

Hey, I got that letter from Bill too, but I thought it was just you playing a joke on me so I deleted it.

(freaking hilarious letter, though! Well done!)

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Update! I got a newsletter from them! I responded thusly:

"Dear Adam,

Thank you for continuing to send me shit after I mocked your first unsolicited email on my blog. It shows a real dedication to spam! But seriously though, you're supposed to promise me free money and/or a bigger penis, not send poorly written diatribes against the government of a country I don't even live in. You cock.

Please don't send me any more crap, otherwise will be signed up for all kinds of midget porn newsletters."

TIR'sMHK: Heh, member.

PMJG: The only part of the States I've ever set foot on is Hawai'i!

Gwen: Are you sure? People are always going to need erections...

Fal: It's a nice image, isn't it?

Red: Sweden? You're on!

Kat: I've found some others who received this spam today too. We should start a support group!

Some Guy said...

Just so you know, conservatives in this country don't typically understand when they're being mocked. It's a happy, scary little world they live in.

Rick said...

Hey, it's like a secret club of non-American, non-conservative conservative American bloggers! I'm a Canadian in Japan conservative American blogger!
We could have secret meetings, like AA or something: "Hi, I'm Kyklops and I'm a conservative American blogger!"

katrocket said...

hahaha! Some Guy's comment is hilarious.

Anonymous said...

nice review there :)

rsynnott said...

Ah, you dealt with them better than I ever could. I got the same mails, clicked the unsubscribe link, CONTINUED to get newsletters from them, and have now taken the passive-aggressive approach of reporting them to their mailing list provider (which seems quite above-board) as spammers.