The Imaginary Reviewer Writes a Letter: Part 6

You’ll forgive me, loyal readers, for being unable to contain my excitement; The Imaginary Review, after 18 months and more than 150 reviews of things that don’t exist, is finally going places. I’ve finally got that big offer. I’m finally able to blow this popsicle stand and move on to the big bucks.

You see, dear reader, an hour ago I got an email from a man called Bill Wilson, President of a group called Americans for a Limited Government. The have invited me to ‘become a key member of the exciting new conservative “bloggers central,”’ which I believe to be an offer far too good to pass up. So with your indulgence, I’d like to run my response by you before I send it for truesies. Let me know what you think.


Dear Bill,

It is with fluttering heart and throbbing member that I read your epistle, such is the excitement that it gives me. Such praise! Such ebullient tribute! Such overdue recognition! Thank you!

When you tell me that I play “a critical role…in gathering, assimilating, and disseminating news and commentary,” you’re referring to that review of lovers I wrote for Valentine’s Day, aren’t you? Or is it the pet review from last year? It’s both, isn’t it? Yeah, I thought so. I remember writing them both and thinking to myself, “Imaginary Reviewer, that is some bad-ass disseminating, right there. The world had better ready itself for this dissemination. I’ve never disseminated this much in quite a while.”

Wait, forget that last part. I just looked up ‘disseminate’ in the dictionary, and it doesn’t mean ‘wank’. I take that last part back. Let’s move on.

When you tell me that you “personally, [are] deeply grateful to [me] for taking the lead in fighting some of the most important battles our country has faced over the past decade, and more,” I find myself nodding in agreement. It was a brave move, I think, fighting against the headwear industry in my imaginary hat review last year, and I know that I put a lot of noses out of joint when I gave a less-than-stellar review to Puff Daddy’s covers album. But one has to pick one’s battles, when one’s country is at stake, wouldn’t you agree?

By the way, when you say “our country,” what exactly do you mean? I only ask because I had assumed you were American, what with you being the President of a group called ‘Americans for Limited Government’. And, you know, with that whole part where I’m not American, I was given the – no doubt foolish – impression that you hadn’t done your research. But no, such an important man such as yourself would not send such a profound invitation without knowing that I am British. I’m sure your organisation’s title is ironic. You’re probably based near Newcastle or Carlisle.

By the way, the features of the website you have invited me to join sound incredible. Being able to post my own blogs? Interfacing with bloggers worldwide (and not just in “our country”)? Being able to customize my profile? Whoa there, Seabiscuit! You just blew my mind!

And if I may quote you again, you say that you “have asked ALG's Director of New Media, Adam Bitely, to follow up on this note with a letter of his own providing [me] the exciting details on how NRN can help [me] grow [my] own blog.” Grow my own blog? Really? I tried growing a Venus flytrap once and it died. Well, when I say ‘died’, I mean ‘never even sprouted’. I hope you know what you’re doing.

So thank you for your invitation, I can’t wait to join my fellow members of the “Conservative Blogosphere,” as you call it. I will do my best to help ‘our countrymen’ – nudge nudge, wink wink – limit the government through hilarious reviews of imaginary creations. I’m sure I’ll be able to push forward your aims of funding ballot initiatives throughout the US with my series of seasonal gift reviews throughout December.

So, in summary, thank you Bill. I promise I won’t let you, Adam Bitely, or the other ‘Americans’ down.

The Imaginary Reviewer

PS: Being able to post my own blogs? Seriously? Christ in a bathtub, this is going to be HUGE!

Strike Reviews

While the American Writers Strike continues to grab headlines, many lesser-known instances of industrial action are going unnoticed by the press. Here’s a round-up of all the strikes around the world today.

The French Strike

Everyone in France is currently on strike, and the country is literally at a standstill. It is believed that the last person to leave their place of employment in disgust was a chicken farmer in Rouen last Thursday. Details of how the strike was started are sketchy, but it is rumoured to have been spurred by an argument over cigarette smoke in a Parisian café last August. The strike escalated from there, encompassing the entire population of the country. This strike is proving to be particularly ineffective, as there are no people to listen to anyone else’s demands, due to everyone’s superiors being on strike. But still, the strikers are being very resilient, and even the UN has been unable to help, as there is nobody in France to let them in.

You’ve got to admire the tenacity of the French, hanging in there and refusing to give up, despite the fact that food will soon run out, and with nobody removing rubbish, piles of waste are building up everywhere. But really, they’re shooting themselves in the foot with their stubbornness, and I can’t imagine any of the parties winning this war. Strike rating on a scale of 1 (useless) to 10 (highly effective): 2

Spam Emailers of America Hunger Strike

The last time anyone clicked on an unsolicited email ad for herbal Viagra or penis extensions was in 2004, when a drunk businessman accidentally fell on a computer in a Tokyo Internet café. Since then, Spam Emailers have complained about their unfair treatment at the hands of Internet Service Providers and online Email Programs, claiming that the world is missing out on great investment opportunities and hot teen-on-teen action. Their cries have gone unheeded, and now two thousand Spam Email writers have chained themselves to the gates of the Norton Antivirus software offices, refusing food.

Normally a hunger strike is a great method of bringing attention to your cause, but when you’re as universally despised as spammers, it’s not going to end well for you. I can’t see what the strikers were hoping to achieve, really. There have been rumours that some of the strikers have been trying to unchain themselves and find food, but passers-by have prevented them by standing on their necks. Strike rating: 3

The Union of British Butlers Strike

The UBB have been striking for a week now, bringing most of southern England to a standstill. The strike was instigated by the union in protest at the treatment of Mister Jeeves, a Union member who was the inspiration for the formerly-popular search engine, AskJeeves. Mr. Jeeves still hasn’t received payment from the website for either likeness or naming rights, and so the lauded gentry of the nation have had to go without ironed newspapers, freshly squeezed paupers and warm gutted foxes.

The UBB strike has been very successful up to now, with other organizations such as the Association of Saucy Chambermaids and the Fearsome Nannies Union joining in sympathy. The strike also has the support of the upper class of England, who are petitioning AskJeeves to pay their butler icon so that they can have their groomsboys beaten again for laziness. There are few groups whose non-work would have more effect on British life; only the barmen and Indian tea pickers spring to mind. Strike rating: 8