I'm in way over my head here.
I'm supposed to be reading a page of The Little Kittens and the Gumdrop Garden by Norris Squee every day. For those of you who a) didn't read the last post and b) are too lazy to scroll down, I'm doing this in order to finish the book by the end of summer and get the same feeling that the people reading the 1000+ pages of Infinite Jest over the summer must feel.
But it's hard going.
The first page almost finished me off. I lost count of the number of times I had to read it in order to understand it fully. From what I can gather (and the depth of meaning here has left me with the impression that I'm missing some layers of interpretation), there were some kittens. And these kittens were little.
I will confess. This blew my mind. I was thinking that maybe I would be able to read more than one page on the first day, and possibly get ahead of myself, giving me some leeway. But now I see that this was optimistic bravado. I couldn't get my head to understand this first page, and I had to lie down. This could also have been partly due to the pictures in the book; many of them have so many colours that looking at them for any length of time is like pressing my eyes into an LSD-laced box of rainbows.
God, we haven't even entered the gumdrop garden, and I'm already thinking I've bitten off more than I can chew. I need a rest.
Showing posts with label Book. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Book. Show all posts
Wednesday, 9 September 2009
Monday, 7 September 2009
Summer Kittens: Part 1
I just discovered the website Infinite Summer. It's basically a project in which people try to read David Foster Wallace's epic novel, Infinite Jest, in one summer. At more than a thousand pages long, the book is apparently the ninth longest in the English language. It also has copious endnotes, and contains massively long sentences and words you've never heard of and have to look up if you're going to understand. Because of this, the 75 pages per week needed to get through the book over three months is pretty heavy going, even for those crazy people who can read entire novels in a weekend.
I would quite like to read Infinite Jest, but I've come in too late to really attempt to it before the end of summer. However, I do like the idea of blogging my findings as I go through a book, so I've decided to try another work instead.
Before the summer is out, I, the Imaginary Reviewer, hereby proclaim that I will have read The Little Kittens and the Gumdrop Garden by Norris Squee, before the end of summer. That's sixteen pages, all of which I have to have read before September 22, a rate of one page per day.
It's a big task, but I'm pretty sure I'm up to it. I'll post regular updates here if I can manage to fit that in between reading. Wish me luck!
I would quite like to read Infinite Jest, but I've come in too late to really attempt to it before the end of summer. However, I do like the idea of blogging my findings as I go through a book, so I've decided to try another work instead.
Before the summer is out, I, the Imaginary Reviewer, hereby proclaim that I will have read The Little Kittens and the Gumdrop Garden by Norris Squee, before the end of summer. That's sixteen pages, all of which I have to have read before September 22, a rate of one page per day.
It's a big task, but I'm pretty sure I'm up to it. I'll post regular updates here if I can manage to fit that in between reading. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
Philosophical Book Round-Up
Some of you may have guessed from previous posts that I have a background in Philosophy. I believe that we can learn a lot from the deepest thinkers of the last few thousand years, and that current philosophical thought is advancing the knowledge and experience of the human race as much as anything else. I have recently been delving my nose into some of the latest books of philosophical thought written by the most eminent minds of our generation, with no fear of even the longest, most complicated words and sentences. Much of what I read was thought provoking, erudite and quite, quite brilliant, though some of the arguments and logical reasoning on display showed some room for improvement. Here are my findings.
On the Epistemological Qualities of Hegellian Dialectical Thought in the Twentieth Century by Professor Rutger Blenschneitz is a rubbish book because it has a brown cover. Brown covers are rubbish. I hate brown. Plus this book smells like asparagus. Professor Blenschneitz is a terrible writer because he has a silly name.
I enjoyed Cognitive Ethology and Quantum Philosophy: A Radical Comparative Approach by Sir Thomas Miller. This was because the book had some pictures of dogs in it. Dogs are great, aren’t they? They run around loads and they bite my sister. And then when they get wet they shake themselves dry and the wetness goes all over everywhere and everyone gets wet and starts crying. A wonderful book by a preeminent thinker.
Further Investigations into the Inter-Totality of Essence by Gottfried van Dyke went like this: “Dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur symbolism.” And then it went like this: “Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah meaning.” And then it went like this: “Dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur I smell, signed Gottfried van Poop.”
Professor Jayne Maddox is my favourite philosopher ever. I’ve got all her books, even the really rare ones that nobody else has. Her latest masterpiece, Godel’s Proof of the Incompleteness of Formal Systems and its Implications on the Progress of Science, is amazing, because it has a picture of her on the back cover. I can move the book around and her eyes follow me around. It’s like we’re dancing, Jayne Maddox and I. We’re dancing! Together! And in love!
This is the best book ever.
Finally, The Philosophy of Hannah Montana is an excellent introduction to the world of philosophical thought as told through the popular Disney Channel series. Existentialism, Leibniz’s Monadology, Plato’s Republic, Hume’s problem of induction and Descartes’ famed Cogito argument are all brilliantly explained in terms of Miley Cyrus and chums. Particularly strong is the section on the Philosophy of Language, with special mention being given to Tarski’s T-Scheme, metalanguages and the implication of the existence of paradoxes on formalised language. My only problems with this book are that it doesn’t have any pictures of dogs in it, and Professor Jayne Maddox isn’t on the cover.
On the Epistemological Qualities of Hegellian Dialectical Thought in the Twentieth Century by Professor Rutger Blenschneitz is a rubbish book because it has a brown cover. Brown covers are rubbish. I hate brown. Plus this book smells like asparagus. Professor Blenschneitz is a terrible writer because he has a silly name.
I enjoyed Cognitive Ethology and Quantum Philosophy: A Radical Comparative Approach by Sir Thomas Miller. This was because the book had some pictures of dogs in it. Dogs are great, aren’t they? They run around loads and they bite my sister. And then when they get wet they shake themselves dry and the wetness goes all over everywhere and everyone gets wet and starts crying. A wonderful book by a preeminent thinker.
Further Investigations into the Inter-Totality of Essence by Gottfried van Dyke went like this: “Dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur symbolism.” And then it went like this: “Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah meaning.” And then it went like this: “Dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur I smell, signed Gottfried van Poop.”
Professor Jayne Maddox is my favourite philosopher ever. I’ve got all her books, even the really rare ones that nobody else has. Her latest masterpiece, Godel’s Proof of the Incompleteness of Formal Systems and its Implications on the Progress of Science, is amazing, because it has a picture of her on the back cover. I can move the book around and her eyes follow me around. It’s like we’re dancing, Jayne Maddox and I. We’re dancing! Together! And in love!
This is the best book ever.
Finally, The Philosophy of Hannah Montana is an excellent introduction to the world of philosophical thought as told through the popular Disney Channel series. Existentialism, Leibniz’s Monadology, Plato’s Republic, Hume’s problem of induction and Descartes’ famed Cogito argument are all brilliantly explained in terms of Miley Cyrus and chums. Particularly strong is the section on the Philosophy of Language, with special mention being given to Tarski’s T-Scheme, metalanguages and the implication of the existence of paradoxes on formalised language. My only problems with this book are that it doesn’t have any pictures of dogs in it, and Professor Jayne Maddox isn’t on the cover.
Tuesday, 26 August 2008
The New J K Rowling Book: Reviewed!
Much to the surprise of her biggest fans, J K Rowling’s new book is totally unlike any of her previous publications. The book, titled How to Increase the Traffic to Your Website, is a non-fiction guide to getting more and more new people to look at the contents of your blog. Readers expecting scenes of Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley in a magical new adventure are going to be let down by this book, which shows a new direction for the creator of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
The majority of the information contained within this excellent work deal with attracting new readers to one’s website through search engines, like Google. One of the more interesting tips involves finding ways of including phrases in your blog that will trick people into thinking it contains information about something that interests them, when in actual fact it contains nothing of the sort. According to Rowling, including something along the lines of “Jay Z’s new album” or “John McCain homicide rumor” in otherwise-tangential sentences can increase one’s stats by up to 200%.
Another point driven home in J K Rowling’s new book is that tapping into the cultural zeitgeist is a big boon when attracting people to your site using irrelevant phrases and words. Using their knowledge of the things that people commonly search for, a good blogger can see their traffic rise and rise. There are many sites listing the most widely-searched words and phrases in a specific length of time, so that you can use this information to post a story about – for example - Coco Vandeweghe, Jimmy Carter and the cast of Dancing with the Stars 2008 running wild at the Democratic National Convention.
I was particularly intrigued by the chapter on the uses and abuses of pornography in attracting people to one’s website. According to Rowling, pretending to have naughty pictures of a popular, well-known actress or musician on your site will not help gain new readers, as it will still be low down in the Google rankings. What one must do is mention pictures of a lesser-known celebrity, or one whose appeal is limited to a select few. Claiming to have nude pictures of Kelly Ripa is a lot more beneficial than explicit Jessica Alba videos, as the former will be less prevalent on the net and your site will be more visible on the search engine. It is a fine line, however; a throwaway comment on the subject of “hardcore elephant fucking” may put you at the top of a search for such a term, but it is unlikely that many people will be typing it into Google. And let’s face it, do you really want that kind of reader on your site?
The majority of the information contained within this excellent work deal with attracting new readers to one’s website through search engines, like Google. One of the more interesting tips involves finding ways of including phrases in your blog that will trick people into thinking it contains information about something that interests them, when in actual fact it contains nothing of the sort. According to Rowling, including something along the lines of “Jay Z’s new album” or “John McCain homicide rumor” in otherwise-tangential sentences can increase one’s stats by up to 200%.
Another point driven home in J K Rowling’s new book is that tapping into the cultural zeitgeist is a big boon when attracting people to your site using irrelevant phrases and words. Using their knowledge of the things that people commonly search for, a good blogger can see their traffic rise and rise. There are many sites listing the most widely-searched words and phrases in a specific length of time, so that you can use this information to post a story about – for example - Coco Vandeweghe, Jimmy Carter and the cast of Dancing with the Stars 2008 running wild at the Democratic National Convention.
I was particularly intrigued by the chapter on the uses and abuses of pornography in attracting people to one’s website. According to Rowling, pretending to have naughty pictures of a popular, well-known actress or musician on your site will not help gain new readers, as it will still be low down in the Google rankings. What one must do is mention pictures of a lesser-known celebrity, or one whose appeal is limited to a select few. Claiming to have nude pictures of Kelly Ripa is a lot more beneficial than explicit Jessica Alba videos, as the former will be less prevalent on the net and your site will be more visible on the search engine. It is a fine line, however; a throwaway comment on the subject of “hardcore elephant fucking” may put you at the top of a search for such a term, but it is unlikely that many people will be typing it into Google. And let’s face it, do you really want that kind of reader on your site?
Aw, look at the cute kittens! Look at them! LOOK AT THEM! BASK IN THEIR ADORABILITY, YOU BASTARDS!
Finally, Rowling gives us some of the most blatant techniques for attracting new readers: using pictures and links. It’s a known fact that a picture of some really really cute kittens (like the one above) can increase your website’s audience tenfold. Getting someone else to link to your kitten post can help even further. In her new book, Rowling explains how, in a way that is clear, concise, and doesn’t mention Barack Obama’s secret lovechild.
To conclude, the latest J K Rowling book is full of great ways to trick people into coming to your website, which is especially handy if you’ve spent the last month or so in a cottage with no Internet access or on a last-minute trip to England to see your family and you’ve been a bit rubbish at updating your hilarious blog but you promise that you’ll be much better in the near future, honest.
The Imaginary Reviewer accepts no responsibility for Ashton Kutcher upskirt pics.
Wednesday, 6 August 2008
Self-Help Books
The newly-formed Pyrrhic Book Company has begun releasing self-help manuals for all kinds of activities in the home, workplace or garden. With titles covering design, hobbies, computing skills and general personal growth, the books all share one common attribute: they are, without exception, completely useless. I decided to take a look at some of the upcoming titles in the manner of someone who needed improving in some way. Here are my findings.
Firstly, the jewel in Pyrrhic’s crown is the mammoth two volume set, How to Piss Yourself. Exquisitely bound in brown leather with gold leaf edging, the two books would look handsome on any shelving unit or coffee table. The contents, meanwhile, are quite substantial, with the first volume dealing with self-urination for absolute beginners, while the second contains essays and papers by many well known self-confessed pantstain-afflicted writers.
The first volume covers so much ground in its 800-plus pages, it’s difficult to summarise here. From the best imbibes for the job to the effect pissing oneself has on different trouser materials, there’s very little missing here. The history of ‘little accidents’ is informative and interesting, and the illustrations are both grisly and gripping. In the second volume, Paul Theroux’s essay on pissing himself across Europe and Umberto Eco’s Public Urination and Postmodernism are both highly readable. Germaine Greer’s feministic history of pissing oneself is also eye opening. But on the whole, as someone who likes to wait until confronted by a porcelain receptacle when evacuating the old aqua vita, this book was not exactly what I would call ‘handy’. I look forward to Pyrrhic’s forthcoming three volume sequel, How to Not Piss Yourself.
How to Make Love to a Handful of Soil is part of the Pyrrhic Boudoir Collection, which contains books of a more romantic nature. This publication was to be a companion piece to the more explicit How to Fuck a Handful of Soil, but since the latter broke enough indecency laws to become banned, …Make Love… is a standalone book.
I found How to Make Love to a Handful of Soil a difficult book to get into, not least because the soil in my garden is more of a sandy consistency than the ideal type given by the authors. The diagrams were, quite frankly, bemusing, and the index only contains words beginning with ‘F’. If a little more attention had been paid to this book, it could have been useful, but as it is, it’s rubbish.
Slightly more promising is the next home renovation-themed book from Pyrrhic, How to Interior Decorate a Potato. The techniques used are self-explanatory and the language is not off-putting, as the authors have kept it simple for us beginners. My main problem with the book was that I was unable to see the fruits of my labours, as cutting into the potato to see my handiwork meant that it was now on the exterior, and I had to start again. But for those who are not put off by this lack of satisfaction from the interior decoration of root vegetables, the book comes with a free scalpel, salt cellar and two potatoes.
Tripecraft is the hot new craft from Eastern Europe, and it’s also the name of the last Pyrrhic book that I’ll be reviewing today. This remarkable publication shows you how to make beautiful things in a variety of methods using only tripe. From tripe crocheted blankets to tripe sculpture, this book has everything for both the beginner and the advanced rejected meat artist. If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, you could adorn your living room with the tripe tapestry (or ‘tripestry’)!
This book contains everything you’d need to know about tripecraft, from acquiring, handling and dyeing the tripe, through to dealing with the smell and preventing maggot infestations in your artworks. This was the best book out of this group, as the fruits of my labours attracted a great many stray dogs to my house, so I won’t be going hungry for a while.
Pyrrhic books are available from the Internet today and Publishers’ Book Clearance Stores soon.
Firstly, the jewel in Pyrrhic’s crown is the mammoth two volume set, How to Piss Yourself. Exquisitely bound in brown leather with gold leaf edging, the two books would look handsome on any shelving unit or coffee table. The contents, meanwhile, are quite substantial, with the first volume dealing with self-urination for absolute beginners, while the second contains essays and papers by many well known self-confessed pantstain-afflicted writers.
The first volume covers so much ground in its 800-plus pages, it’s difficult to summarise here. From the best imbibes for the job to the effect pissing oneself has on different trouser materials, there’s very little missing here. The history of ‘little accidents’ is informative and interesting, and the illustrations are both grisly and gripping. In the second volume, Paul Theroux’s essay on pissing himself across Europe and Umberto Eco’s Public Urination and Postmodernism are both highly readable. Germaine Greer’s feministic history of pissing oneself is also eye opening. But on the whole, as someone who likes to wait until confronted by a porcelain receptacle when evacuating the old aqua vita, this book was not exactly what I would call ‘handy’. I look forward to Pyrrhic’s forthcoming three volume sequel, How to Not Piss Yourself.
How to Make Love to a Handful of Soil is part of the Pyrrhic Boudoir Collection, which contains books of a more romantic nature. This publication was to be a companion piece to the more explicit How to Fuck a Handful of Soil, but since the latter broke enough indecency laws to become banned, …Make Love… is a standalone book.
I found How to Make Love to a Handful of Soil a difficult book to get into, not least because the soil in my garden is more of a sandy consistency than the ideal type given by the authors. The diagrams were, quite frankly, bemusing, and the index only contains words beginning with ‘F’. If a little more attention had been paid to this book, it could have been useful, but as it is, it’s rubbish.
Slightly more promising is the next home renovation-themed book from Pyrrhic, How to Interior Decorate a Potato. The techniques used are self-explanatory and the language is not off-putting, as the authors have kept it simple for us beginners. My main problem with the book was that I was unable to see the fruits of my labours, as cutting into the potato to see my handiwork meant that it was now on the exterior, and I had to start again. But for those who are not put off by this lack of satisfaction from the interior decoration of root vegetables, the book comes with a free scalpel, salt cellar and two potatoes.
Tripecraft is the hot new craft from Eastern Europe, and it’s also the name of the last Pyrrhic book that I’ll be reviewing today. This remarkable publication shows you how to make beautiful things in a variety of methods using only tripe. From tripe crocheted blankets to tripe sculpture, this book has everything for both the beginner and the advanced rejected meat artist. If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, you could adorn your living room with the tripe tapestry (or ‘tripestry’)!
This book contains everything you’d need to know about tripecraft, from acquiring, handling and dyeing the tripe, through to dealing with the smell and preventing maggot infestations in your artworks. This was the best book out of this group, as the fruits of my labours attracted a great many stray dogs to my house, so I won’t be going hungry for a while.
Pyrrhic books are available from the Internet today and Publishers’ Book Clearance Stores soon.
Thursday, 14 February 2008
Special Valentine's Day Review: Lovers
As it's Valentine's Day, I thought today I'd review some of the lovers I've enjoyed in recent weeks.
First off, there's Suzanne, who scored very highly indeed. She was a little more expensive than other lovers, but first impressions were good: a full body, rich, and most pleasing on the eye. I detected fragrances of jasmine and summer fruits, with a hint of leather and birchwood. Suzanne has a unique velvetty texture which feels especially good at the back of the tongue; this is complimented by a gently brittle aftertaste which is both alluring and fragile. If I had one complaint with this lover, it's the unnecessarily high alcohol content. But this splitting hairs; she certainly goes down well, and her tannins are delightful.
Gabrielle on the other hand, was a disaster. She started promisingly enough, with a slow, downtempo effort that was both sensual and sexy. It was mostly downhill from then on, unfortunately, with much of what passed afterwards being filler. The heavy, fast-paced rhythms of our later meetings simply did nothing for me, and the spoken word sections were, quite frankly, embarrassing. It's a shame, because I've heard many good things about Gabrielle's live shows. Perhaps that's where she excels.
Finally, I wasn't expecting much from Benjamin, but I'm happy to say that I was pleasantly surprised. Despite my being relatively new to this particular style of lover, Benjamin was a joy from start to end. I just could not put him down. His opening lines had me hooked, and his prose was truly delightful; indeed, I was literally struck dumb by one of his passages in particular. I understand why people may think that he is a little overlong, but when a lover is as satisfying as this, I don't have a problem with length. If anything, I would have enjoyed even more! Benjamin was gripping throughout, and had a wonderfully explosive climax. Fantastic.
Happy Valentine's Day!
First off, there's Suzanne, who scored very highly indeed. She was a little more expensive than other lovers, but first impressions were good: a full body, rich, and most pleasing on the eye. I detected fragrances of jasmine and summer fruits, with a hint of leather and birchwood. Suzanne has a unique velvetty texture which feels especially good at the back of the tongue; this is complimented by a gently brittle aftertaste which is both alluring and fragile. If I had one complaint with this lover, it's the unnecessarily high alcohol content. But this splitting hairs; she certainly goes down well, and her tannins are delightful.
Gabrielle on the other hand, was a disaster. She started promisingly enough, with a slow, downtempo effort that was both sensual and sexy. It was mostly downhill from then on, unfortunately, with much of what passed afterwards being filler. The heavy, fast-paced rhythms of our later meetings simply did nothing for me, and the spoken word sections were, quite frankly, embarrassing. It's a shame, because I've heard many good things about Gabrielle's live shows. Perhaps that's where she excels.
Finally, I wasn't expecting much from Benjamin, but I'm happy to say that I was pleasantly surprised. Despite my being relatively new to this particular style of lover, Benjamin was a joy from start to end. I just could not put him down. His opening lines had me hooked, and his prose was truly delightful; indeed, I was literally struck dumb by one of his passages in particular. I understand why people may think that he is a little overlong, but when a lover is as satisfying as this, I don't have a problem with length. If anything, I would have enjoyed even more! Benjamin was gripping throughout, and had a wonderfully explosive climax. Fantastic.
Happy Valentine's Day!
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