Some of you may have guessed from previous posts that I have a background in Philosophy. I believe that we can learn a lot from the deepest thinkers of the last few thousand years, and that current philosophical thought is advancing the knowledge and experience of the human race as much as anything else. I have recently been delving my nose into some of the latest books of philosophical thought written by the most eminent minds of our generation, with no fear of even the longest, most complicated words and sentences. Much of what I read was thought provoking, erudite and quite, quite brilliant, though some of the arguments and logical reasoning on display showed some room for improvement. Here are my findings.
On the Epistemological Qualities of Hegellian Dialectical Thought in the Twentieth Century by Professor Rutger Blenschneitz is a rubbish book because it has a brown cover. Brown covers are rubbish. I hate brown. Plus this book smells like asparagus. Professor Blenschneitz is a terrible writer because he has a silly name.
I enjoyed Cognitive Ethology and Quantum Philosophy: A Radical Comparative Approach by Sir Thomas Miller. This was because the book had some pictures of dogs in it. Dogs are great, aren’t they? They run around loads and they bite my sister. And then when they get wet they shake themselves dry and the wetness goes all over everywhere and everyone gets wet and starts crying. A wonderful book by a preeminent thinker.
Further Investigations into the Inter-Totality of Essence by Gottfried van Dyke went like this: “Dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur symbolism.” And then it went like this: “Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah meaning.” And then it went like this: “Dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur I smell, signed Gottfried van Poop.”
Professor Jayne Maddox is my favourite philosopher ever. I’ve got all her books, even the really rare ones that nobody else has. Her latest masterpiece, Godel’s Proof of the Incompleteness of Formal Systems and its Implications on the Progress of Science, is amazing, because it has a picture of her on the back cover. I can move the book around and her eyes follow me around. It’s like we’re dancing, Jayne Maddox and I. We’re dancing! Together! And in love!
This is the best book ever.
Finally, The Philosophy of Hannah Montana is an excellent introduction to the world of philosophical thought as told through the popular Disney Channel series. Existentialism, Leibniz’s Monadology, Plato’s Republic, Hume’s problem of induction and Descartes’ famed Cogito argument are all brilliantly explained in terms of Miley Cyrus and chums. Particularly strong is the section on the Philosophy of Language, with special mention being given to Tarski’s T-Scheme, metalanguages and the implication of the existence of paradoxes on formalised language. My only problems with this book are that it doesn’t have any pictures of dogs in it, and Professor Jayne Maddox isn’t on the cover.
Showing posts with label New book. Show all posts
Showing posts with label New book. Show all posts
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
Tuesday, 26 August 2008
The New J K Rowling Book: Reviewed!
Much to the surprise of her biggest fans, J K Rowling’s new book is totally unlike any of her previous publications. The book, titled How to Increase the Traffic to Your Website, is a non-fiction guide to getting more and more new people to look at the contents of your blog. Readers expecting scenes of Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley in a magical new adventure are going to be let down by this book, which shows a new direction for the creator of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
The majority of the information contained within this excellent work deal with attracting new readers to one’s website through search engines, like Google. One of the more interesting tips involves finding ways of including phrases in your blog that will trick people into thinking it contains information about something that interests them, when in actual fact it contains nothing of the sort. According to Rowling, including something along the lines of “Jay Z’s new album” or “John McCain homicide rumor” in otherwise-tangential sentences can increase one’s stats by up to 200%.
Another point driven home in J K Rowling’s new book is that tapping into the cultural zeitgeist is a big boon when attracting people to your site using irrelevant phrases and words. Using their knowledge of the things that people commonly search for, a good blogger can see their traffic rise and rise. There are many sites listing the most widely-searched words and phrases in a specific length of time, so that you can use this information to post a story about – for example - Coco Vandeweghe, Jimmy Carter and the cast of Dancing with the Stars 2008 running wild at the Democratic National Convention.
I was particularly intrigued by the chapter on the uses and abuses of pornography in attracting people to one’s website. According to Rowling, pretending to have naughty pictures of a popular, well-known actress or musician on your site will not help gain new readers, as it will still be low down in the Google rankings. What one must do is mention pictures of a lesser-known celebrity, or one whose appeal is limited to a select few. Claiming to have nude pictures of Kelly Ripa is a lot more beneficial than explicit Jessica Alba videos, as the former will be less prevalent on the net and your site will be more visible on the search engine. It is a fine line, however; a throwaway comment on the subject of “hardcore elephant fucking” may put you at the top of a search for such a term, but it is unlikely that many people will be typing it into Google. And let’s face it, do you really want that kind of reader on your site?
The majority of the information contained within this excellent work deal with attracting new readers to one’s website through search engines, like Google. One of the more interesting tips involves finding ways of including phrases in your blog that will trick people into thinking it contains information about something that interests them, when in actual fact it contains nothing of the sort. According to Rowling, including something along the lines of “Jay Z’s new album” or “John McCain homicide rumor” in otherwise-tangential sentences can increase one’s stats by up to 200%.
Another point driven home in J K Rowling’s new book is that tapping into the cultural zeitgeist is a big boon when attracting people to your site using irrelevant phrases and words. Using their knowledge of the things that people commonly search for, a good blogger can see their traffic rise and rise. There are many sites listing the most widely-searched words and phrases in a specific length of time, so that you can use this information to post a story about – for example - Coco Vandeweghe, Jimmy Carter and the cast of Dancing with the Stars 2008 running wild at the Democratic National Convention.
I was particularly intrigued by the chapter on the uses and abuses of pornography in attracting people to one’s website. According to Rowling, pretending to have naughty pictures of a popular, well-known actress or musician on your site will not help gain new readers, as it will still be low down in the Google rankings. What one must do is mention pictures of a lesser-known celebrity, or one whose appeal is limited to a select few. Claiming to have nude pictures of Kelly Ripa is a lot more beneficial than explicit Jessica Alba videos, as the former will be less prevalent on the net and your site will be more visible on the search engine. It is a fine line, however; a throwaway comment on the subject of “hardcore elephant fucking” may put you at the top of a search for such a term, but it is unlikely that many people will be typing it into Google. And let’s face it, do you really want that kind of reader on your site?
Aw, look at the cute kittens! Look at them! LOOK AT THEM! BASK IN THEIR ADORABILITY, YOU BASTARDS!
Finally, Rowling gives us some of the most blatant techniques for attracting new readers: using pictures and links. It’s a known fact that a picture of some really really cute kittens (like the one above) can increase your website’s audience tenfold. Getting someone else to link to your kitten post can help even further. In her new book, Rowling explains how, in a way that is clear, concise, and doesn’t mention Barack Obama’s secret lovechild.
To conclude, the latest J K Rowling book is full of great ways to trick people into coming to your website, which is especially handy if you’ve spent the last month or so in a cottage with no Internet access or on a last-minute trip to England to see your family and you’ve been a bit rubbish at updating your hilarious blog but you promise that you’ll be much better in the near future, honest.
The Imaginary Reviewer accepts no responsibility for Ashton Kutcher upskirt pics.
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