Friday, 20 February 2009

What Should you Give Up For Lent?

Huzzah! Lent is coming! Lent is coming!

Everyone loves Lent, but the modern Lent-lover would be forgiven for being undecided when it comes to what they should give up for 40 days and nights. Have no fear, Imaginary Review-fans! I will show you the way! For I am the Imaginary Reviewer: Usher at the wedding of Fact and Fancy!

Crying is a great thing to give up for Lent! A good weep uses up around sixteen quartacres of water; multiply this by a daily sobbing and you’ve got enough liquid to put into a bucket and use to demonstrate inertia. Why not give up crying for Lent, save all the water your tears would have taken up and send it to Africa?

You may be tempted to give up Hats for Lent. This is madness. Hats keep us warm during these wintry times and for God’s sake it’s windy out! Put a hat on before you catch your death of cold, you nutter!

It’s a little-known fact of Christianity that God doesn’t look too favourably on Murder. So why not give it up for Lent? Instead of shooting, stabbing or defenestrating people between Ash Wednesday and Easter, why not simply maim them instead, and leave the killing to God? He knows what He’s doing.

40 Days and 40 Nights is a terrible film about someone giving up sex for Lent. Why would anyone do that? It’s silly! Don’t give up sex for Lent, give up this film! Avoid 40 Days and 40 Nights until after Easter (or for the rest of your life).

Lots of people like to give up Religion during Lent. Abandoning their faith at this time means that they don’t have to give anything up, which means that they can do whatever they want to, including being religious! Doing this actually creates a paradox which may end up sucking all of existence into a black hole, so it’s best not to do it.

During Lent I like to give up my acceptance of Peano’s Second Axiom of Mathematics, the one that says “For all natural numbers x and y, if x = y, then y = x.” For 40 days and nights I refuse to believe this self evident tautological statement. Yes, once Ash Wednesday begins, I will remain convinced that even if ‘2’ is the same as ‘2’, the second ‘2’ is actually different from the first. You won’t believe the number of fights I’ve had with mathematicians over the years during Lent.

Many people try to give up Booze during Lent, but this is too difficult, even for the most hardened Lent-lover. After six days the whisky starts talking to you, then if you’re still dry after three weeks you start sleep walking to the liquor store. At least I do, anyway. Start simply, and just give up a specific drink, like Bean Brothers 2005 Oak Cellared Chardonnay.

I hope I’ve managed to guide you through your many options when it comes to quitting things for Lent. If you have any other ideas of things people might want to give up, why not mention them in the comments? I’m sure someone will care.

The Imaginary Reviewer will not be held responsible if nobody cares.


Red said...

Sexy cardigan, TIR.

I never give up anything for Lent, but this year I'm gonna give up smoking...and as I don't currently smoke, this should be easy as hell. Huzzah!

ÄsK AliCë said...

Defenestrate is pretty much my favorite word ever

You win

ad said...

I'm giving up GIVING UP. Yes - from now on I will indulge in everything. If someone says I shouldn't, I'll do it anyway just to be perverse and stubborn!

Daltana said...

For Lent this year I vow to give up surfing. Growing up in the desert and living in the Central Plains half a continent from any ocean I hope I am up to resisting the temptation to jump on a board and ride the curl.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Red: Thank you, it's an ace cardie, I reckon. Passed through three generations before I borrowed it and never gave it back.

Alice: It's a fantastic word, and should be used daily. I'd like to use 'fenestrate' as well, but I don't know what it means.

Ad: A good idea. Many years ago I made a New Year's resolution to never make another New Year's resolution. It's the only one I ever kept.

Dealer Man: Beware the temptations of Satan...who knows what the devil will do to lead you astray...

Anonymous said...

These are some great suggestions. I made a new years resolution to quit religion a long time ago so I won't be giving up anything for Lent. However, if I was, I would give up international espionage.

Gwen said...

Funyn how you never hear about anyone giving up fish fry for Lent.

Amy Green. said...

i'm giving up being crazy, basically.

Bitterly Indifferent said...

I'm giving up pimping.

...and sodomy.

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking of giving up abseiling down cliffs for lent. Someone pointed out you're supposed to take it up before you can give it up but I don't give a damn for formalities. I think instead of giving up stuff we should TAKE up stuff for lent. Like a lady and a cocktail every day for the duration. Oh wait, that's every day.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Popomaticjeff: International espionage is so hard to give up, even for a month and a bit. The lure of ritzy casinos is always too great for me to resist.

Gwen: That is funny. I blame the Jesuits.

Amy: I don't believe you.

PMJG: But what will your hoes do while you're not pimping them?

Tony: I personally think that there should be more Satanists tempting people throughout Lent. They should wander the streets giving out free chocolate and cigarettes to Christians, telling them "God will never know..."

Bitterly Indifferent said...

Oh, it'll be allright. They're giving up ho'ing for Lent so everybody wins (except the Johns, unless they give up sloppy BJs behind the dumpster at the 7-11).

I was also going to give up arson for lent, but then I--

Well, I'm not giving up arson for lent.

Helene said...

This is one of those times I am really glad I am Jewish... although I have, many a year, given something up in the name of Lent... so as to diet! lol

BeckEye said...

I'm giving up your blog for lent.

I'm jus keeeeding!!!

The Ambiguous Blob said...

Ef lent. I try to give up murdering every year and it's worse than my new years resolutions.
I've only ever made it a week without murder.
At least my promise to get fit in 2009 lasted til February 2nd. Damn that pie was delicious.

Anonymous said...

@The Ambiguous Blob
I think you just need to rethink how to make this work... How about giving you victims a 30 second head start and chance them.. this way you satisfy your indulgance while burning a few extra calories and keeping to your New Years Resolution.. ;)