The Gospel According to Richard

Since it was unearthed by an archaeological team in the Middle East earlier this year, The Gospel According to Richard has been making huge waves in God-bothering circles. Though many have doubted its authenticity, a team of scientists have analysed a tiny fragment of the codex with a carbon dating machine they stole from MIT, and have confirmed that the book is “really really old. Ancient. Donkey’s years. Even older than that, if you can imagine it.”

Since the age of the document is no longer in any question, translators and religious scholars have been hard at work assessing the content of the now-famous tome. Being no stranger to the Christian religion myself (we were introduced at a party in Kent fifteen years ago), I decided to look at The Gospel According to Richard, and see what I could deduce myself.

The Gospel is quite small when compared to many of the other books of the Old and New Testaments, but what it lacks in size, it gains in clarity. It mainly features Richard outlining his devotion to God, such as in the most widely quoted segment, which appears several times:

And God spoke unto Richard, “How do I know you will continue to worship Me?”
And Richard spoke unto God, “My Lord, I just want to tell you what I am feeling. I have got to make you understand, for you are the Lord, my God.
I am never going to give you up.
I am never going to let you down.
I am never going to run around, nor will I ever desert you.
I will not give you reason to weep.
I will not say goodbye.
And I will never bear false witness
And hurt you.”

The Gospel According to Richard, Chapter 2, verses 1-9

This section, which has influenced many people since the new gospel was unearthed, is very powerful. Indeed, the first time I read it to my cat, she was moved to tears. And my cat has been dead since I was a child. Such is the potency of these verses.

This main message of Richard’s Gospel seems to be that Richard is pointing out that religion is a two-way street, that if God scratches my back, I’ll scratch his. Or I would, if he was corporeal. Consider the opening chapter of the Gospel:

Richard spoke unto to God,
“We’re no strangers to theological devotion.
You know the commandments and so do I.
A full commitment is what I am thinking.
You would not get this from any other religious follower.”

The Gospel According to Richard, Chapter 1, verses 1-5


With a message so full of love and devotion, it is a shame that much of this book is damaged. Water damage seems to have been the cause of much of the ink running in this manuscript, leading to a section consisting of nothing but “Never going to give. Never going to give. Never going to give you up.”, repeated for several pages.

Theologians who question the veracity of this as a genuine Biblical book mostly refer to Chapter 5, verse 2, in which Richard says to God, “…don’t tell me that you are too blind to see it.” The nay-sayers quote this as theological balderdash, given that God is omniscient, or all seeing. Referring to Him as ‘blind’ constitutes a gross underestimation of His powers. The true believers counter with the argument that this verse should not be taken literally, that Richard is showing an early appreciation of irony, or that he is indicating that he knows that God is testing him, and by accusing Him of blindness he is having a joke at God’s expense. That wouldn’t be something I’d necessarily do myself, but there’s nowt as queer as folk, as my Mum would always say.

Indeed, The Gospel According to Richard is a goldmine for anyone interested in the apocryphal books of the Bible and the history of the Christian religion. From the opening verses (quoted above) to the final line (“And Richard spoke unto God: “Lord, call me ‘Rick’. It’s less formal, you see”), this contains lots of interesting things for theologians to ponder upon.

At least until we unearth Richard’s follow-up Gospel, Together Forever (With God).

Film Review – (I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight

New York policeman Nick Reed (played by Mark Wahlberg of ‘And the Funky Bunch’ fame) feels like the luckiest man in the world. He has just been promoted to Detective, and he has just met the girl of his dreams, the gorgeous Lucy (Kristen Bell). But when a series of murders occurs on a long, hot night, everything points to his new beau. Reed can’t seem to escape the fact that the murdered men all just died in her arms tonight. It must have been something she said….but what? It’s up to Detective Reed to find out, before Lucy strikes again!

The latest hit US thriller from director Michael Mann is about to be released in England, and it’s a chilling tale of murder and redemption. Inspired by the song of the same name by Cutting Crew, (I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight kept me on the edge of my seat throughout each heartbreaking and action-packed minute.

Wahlberg is excellent as the detective who is torn between the feelings he has for his lover and the knowledge that a lot of men just died in her arms tonight and it must have been something she said. Bell is quite fearsome as Lucy, the killer, and the actress makes it feel easy, makes it feel right, in the role.

There are some wonderfully tense scenes, like when Lucy’s latest potential victim (Ian Holm) finds himself in the bedroom where so many other men have just died in her arms. The camera slowly pans through the room, showing Lucy’s diary sitting on the bedside table, the curtains, closed, and a cat in a cradle. Whether this is symbolic, or just a bit weird, I couldn’t tell. But it’s still very nice to look at.

That’s not to say that the film is flawless. I felt myself feel frustrated by the plot at times, especially when the actions of the men who die in Lucy’s arms don’t make sense. I couldn’t understand why they just didn’t walk away. They should have walked away.

There’s a nice little twist ending to the film, too, when Reed discovers that it wasn’t something she said, but instead it was some kind of kiss that caused the men to just die in her arms tonight. I know it’s bad form to reveal the ending to a film in the review, but this was so great I couldn’t keep it a secret. Sorry!

All in all, I would say that (I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight compares well to Michael Mann’s other thrillers, like Collateral and Heat, especially given that it is constrained by being entirely based on a song by an awful 80s band. Three stars.