Whether you’re on a date, escaping enemy agents or just someone who enjoys chewing loudly to annoy other people, the cinema is a great place to spend a few hours. Here’s my rundown of the films you can see right now.
Initial Conditions stars Nicholas Cage as a professor of Chaos Theory in an unnamed university. When his parents are killed by a tornado in his home town, he travels to Asia with the aim of finding and killing the butterfly responsible for starting it. What he discovers is an insect/weather conspiracy of gigantic proportions. Initial Conditions is a silly film, but really utilises Cage’s sole facial expression (that of a confused man-child). Jet Li co-stars, with a great soundtrack from DJ Sweatpants.
Working Relationship is the latest romantic comedy from the writers of My Boyfriend is a Squid and Intercourse Office. It stars Matthew McConaughey as a terrible actor who is constantly typecast as the leading man in absolutely woeful romantic comedies. Sandra Bullock plays his agent, and while she struggles to find him work in the latest high-brow arthouse film, the two of them film love. This film made me vomit, and the product of this vomiting episode was nicer to look at that the tripe on the screen. Co-starring Kevin Smith as Silent Bob.
Big Birds Existential Adventure was reviewed last week.
The Fastest and the Furiousest sees Vin Diesel racing dragster cars along incredibly straight roads against other dragster drivers while being chased by the police and the mafia. Watch with awe as the action star manages to maintain a completely collinear route without losing his hard man image. Who will deploy their parachute brakes first? Co-starring Vanessa Hudgens and a big truck with enough room underneath it for a car to barely pass through.
Indiana Jones and the Ruined Childhood Memories is another big-budget action sequel which sees Harrison Ford don the fedora and whip for more cartoony fun. This time, while Indy is hunting for the makers of a substandard Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sequel he uncovers a plot to bastardize all things that everyone once held dear. But who is behind it? The answer shocks Jones to his very core. Guest starring George Lucas as the evil mastermind.
Coming Soon:
The Even More Fastest and the Absolute Zenith of Furiousness
Saw VI: Saw Hard With a Vengeance
Tyler Perry’s Isn’t Eddie Murphy in this?
The Slow and the Calm
An Annoying Full-of-Himself Man Gets His Comeuppance with Excruciating but Hilarious Results: The Movie
The Even Faster than Before (Which is Saying Something Because Before it was as Fast as is Physically Possible) and the so Furious it Makes Something Really Angry Look Positively Sedate
Showing posts with label Film review. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Film review. Show all posts
Thursday, 23 April 2009
Tuesday, 14 April 2009
Film Review: Big Bird’s Existential Adventure
The latest big-budget children’s film from the Sesame Street team shows a definite change in style from previous movies, and also from the popular television series. Written by Charlie Kaufman and directed by Michel Gondry, Big Bird’s Existential Adventure is a fun, multi-layered, philosophically rich movie for all the family to enjoy and discuss afterwards over coffee.
In the film, puppeteer Matt Kogel (played by Matt Vogel) undergoes a personality crisis after playing the character Big Bird on the Sesame Street set for an extended period of time. Even when out of costume he starts walking and talking like the Muppet, and his friends feel that he is forgetting where Matt ends and where Big Bird begins. After an incident in a shoe shop where he forces Tyra Banks (playing herself) to count every single item of footwear in there, the producers of Sesame Street make him go on a break in his home town, where his love of puppetry began.
It is initially difficult for Kogel to readjust to a place where he is no longer a man in a giant yellow bird costume, no longer forced to talk like a child while operating a comically long mouth with one hand. Here, he is simply Matt, and learns that for the people close to him, this is enough.
In the course of the film, the dichotomy of actor and role are explored, and with many of the characters in the film playing themselves, there is a lot of self-referential material. At the beginning of the film, we see that the line between part and player is blurred and vague, and the world of the Jim Henson Workshop seems to permeate into the real world, courtesy of Big Bird’s existential angst. But as the line between Kogel and Big Bird solidifies, the two worlds go back to their separate existences.
Kids will adore the metaphysical implications of this movie. Many of the children who were at the same screening as me came out discussing the relative merits of free-will and deterministic approaches to the self, and how they related to Big Bird/Matt’s quandary. This could indeed be the best philosophical children’s movie since Disney’s Hannah Montana and the Ontological Proof of the Existence of God.
As with most films aimed at kids these days, the adults are not forgotten, either. There are plenty of fart jokes and people falling off chairs to stop the parents from getting bored.
Of course, the film is not flawless, and many of the kids I talked to found some of the concluding scenes a little too simplistic. Kogel’s relationship with a childhood sweetheart is a little tacked-on and unnecessary. The cameo from latest Henson Workshop wunderkind as a puppeteer at a party is five minutes of nothing more than cynical advertising. And it’s possible to get a little disoriented by Gondry’s eclectic camera selection and off-centre framing.
But these are just small niggles in what is otherwise a fine example of existential children’s cinema, carrying on the great tradition that started with Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Solipsists, moving through to 2003’s Spy Kids 4: Cartesian Dualism Duel.
In the film, puppeteer Matt Kogel (played by Matt Vogel) undergoes a personality crisis after playing the character Big Bird on the Sesame Street set for an extended period of time. Even when out of costume he starts walking and talking like the Muppet, and his friends feel that he is forgetting where Matt ends and where Big Bird begins. After an incident in a shoe shop where he forces Tyra Banks (playing herself) to count every single item of footwear in there, the producers of Sesame Street make him go on a break in his home town, where his love of puppetry began.
It is initially difficult for Kogel to readjust to a place where he is no longer a man in a giant yellow bird costume, no longer forced to talk like a child while operating a comically long mouth with one hand. Here, he is simply Matt, and learns that for the people close to him, this is enough.
In the course of the film, the dichotomy of actor and role are explored, and with many of the characters in the film playing themselves, there is a lot of self-referential material. At the beginning of the film, we see that the line between part and player is blurred and vague, and the world of the Jim Henson Workshop seems to permeate into the real world, courtesy of Big Bird’s existential angst. But as the line between Kogel and Big Bird solidifies, the two worlds go back to their separate existences.
Kids will adore the metaphysical implications of this movie. Many of the children who were at the same screening as me came out discussing the relative merits of free-will and deterministic approaches to the self, and how they related to Big Bird/Matt’s quandary. This could indeed be the best philosophical children’s movie since Disney’s Hannah Montana and the Ontological Proof of the Existence of God.
As with most films aimed at kids these days, the adults are not forgotten, either. There are plenty of fart jokes and people falling off chairs to stop the parents from getting bored.
Of course, the film is not flawless, and many of the kids I talked to found some of the concluding scenes a little too simplistic. Kogel’s relationship with a childhood sweetheart is a little tacked-on and unnecessary. The cameo from latest Henson Workshop wunderkind as a puppeteer at a party is five minutes of nothing more than cynical advertising. And it’s possible to get a little disoriented by Gondry’s eclectic camera selection and off-centre framing.
But these are just small niggles in what is otherwise a fine example of existential children’s cinema, carrying on the great tradition that started with Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Solipsists, moving through to 2003’s Spy Kids 4: Cartesian Dualism Duel.
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Film Review: 12 Rounds
In 12 Rounds, WWE Wrestling superstar John Cena stars as Danny Fisher, a New Orleans cop whose girlfriend Molly (played by Avril Poisson) has been kidnapped by an Irish arms dealer who blames Fisher for the death of his own girlfriend one year previous. The kidnapper (Aiden Gillen) has set a series of challenges and trials for Fisher to overcome before he will return Molly; if the streetwise policeman fails any, his girlfriend will die.
The first thing that struck me about this film is the quality of Cena’s acting. This probably shouldn’t come as a surprise, as professional wrestlers are paid to act for a living, selling punches and pain on a nightly basis. But with the exception of Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, few wrestlers have managed to carry over a career in the ring to believable acting. Hulk Hogan and ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin are two names who spring to mind here. Cena, on the other hand, conveys as much emotion with a single worried glance as Austin could muster in all of The Condemned. When faced with unfathomable odds, the actor really made us believe he was weary, afeared and yet passionate.
The film itself is a rip-roaring thrillride, taking us from despair to exhilaration in seconds. Each of the rounds in question had me on the edge of my seat, from stopping an out-of-control streetcar to the race around the city in a speeding fire truck. The stunts are all of the highest calibre, and the explosions and fight scenes rocked me to my core.
If I were to have one qualm with this film, it’s that it’s a little too long. Personally, I would have been satisfied with eight or nine rounds, rather than the full gamut of twelve, but still, a numb posterior is a small price to pay for such excitement.
The first thing that struck me about this film is the quality of Cena’s acting. This probably shouldn’t come as a surprise, as professional wrestlers are paid to act for a living, selling punches and pain on a nightly basis. But with the exception of Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, few wrestlers have managed to carry over a career in the ring to believable acting. Hulk Hogan and ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin are two names who spring to mind here. Cena, on the other hand, conveys as much emotion with a single worried glance as Austin could muster in all of The Condemned. When faced with unfathomable odds, the actor really made us believe he was weary, afeared and yet passionate.
The film itself is a rip-roaring thrillride, taking us from despair to exhilaration in seconds. Each of the rounds in question had me on the edge of my seat, from stopping an out-of-control streetcar to the race around the city in a speeding fire truck. The stunts are all of the highest calibre, and the explosions and fight scenes rocked me to my core.
If I were to have one qualm with this film, it’s that it’s a little too long. Personally, I would have been satisfied with eight or nine rounds, rather than the full gamut of twelve, but still, a numb posterior is a small price to pay for such excitement.
The performances from all actors are excellent, with the aforementioned Cena obviously having control of the screen, but Gillen as the bad guy really does appear sinister and evil. It's without a doubt his best role since Queer as Folk. Supporting roles are also well-filled, and I don't recall a poor performance in the movie.
All in all, I would give 12 Rounds four stars out of five. It brings excitement, adventure and big bangs in equal measures, without condescending the viewer or looking down at him. And I can't wait to see Cena in more films; there is a danger that this acting talent will be typecast in action movies, so I'd like to see him try his hand at period drama.
12 Rounds, starring John Cena and Aiden Gillen is in Cinemas now. Check local listings for show times.
Tuesday, 27 January 2009
DVD Review – Shinichi Yoshida: Mouru Koppu
Yesterday I reviewed the French precursor to the current number 1 film in America, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, and noticed that it bears very little resemblance to the romantic comedy currently topping the charts in the US. While this fact may not be all that surprising, even brainy film lovers may not know that Jean-Paul Blarteau: Gendarme de l’Hypermarché is itself based on a Japanese film, 2005’s Shinichi Yoshida: Mouru Koppu.
Like with the French Paul Blart movie, the Japanese one has just been re-released by Asian Film Extreme! Pictures in an attempt to cash in on the new movie’s success. Given my total lack of anything to do last night (cheers again, Dave, Mister “Let’s go to the pub, no wait, I have to watch Grey’s Anatomy with the Missus”), I decided to watch it with notebook and pen in hand.
The Japanese version of the character Paul Blart, the eponymous Shinichi Yoshida (played by Jun Sakashita), is less of a slapstick buffoon and more of an angry anti-hero. The plot of the Japanese original is very similar to the newer American film, with the mall being overrun with katana-wielding yakuza (rather than balaclava-clad robbers), and only Yoshida being able to stop them. Also, much like in the latest film, the hero of the piece suffers ignominy at being a lowly mall cop, but, this being Japan, Yoshida is more worried about dishonouring his family, rather than letting himself down.
Similarities end with the plotline, though. This film is far more graphic and violent than Paul Blart, with flying disembodied limbs decapitating small children, automatic weaponry being fired into masses of writhing gangsters and a spectacular amount of blood. And that’s pretty much just in the first 30 minutes.
Indeed, anyone picking up this DVD as a gift for a child who enjoyed the American Paul Blart would be wise to watch it themselves first. There’s very little here suitable for young ones, not least the scene involving a many-tentacled monster and a busload of nuns.
Unlike in Paul Blart: Mall Cop, there’s not much of a romantic subplot to this film, unless you count the scene in which Yoshida is forced to do battle with a naked she-demon who has just emerged from a cursed television. And if you count that scene as romantic, forgive me for not wanting to French-kiss you.
It can be difficult to follow the plot of SY: MK at times; the scene in which a mysterious twelve-foot-tall goth turns up with a bass guitar which he uses to kill zombies, for example, is probably referencing some part of Japanese culture, but it’s lost on me. Happily, these elements are more than made up for by the visual splendour of the film. I kept track, and there are no scenes in the entire film in which cherry blossom does not appear, giving all the blood, guts, gore and tentacles a wonderful sheen by association.
All in all, Shinichi Yoshida: Mouru Koppu is a gripping, action-packed, slightly grotesque action film, in a very Japanese style. It is very different to Paul Blart: Mall Cop, which is only grotesque because it features a very fat man with a terrible moustache. Given the choice between watching the two, I’d opt for death by mau mau.
Shinichi Yoshida: Mouru Koppu is available from Monday on Asian Film Extreme! Pictures DVD. Bonus material includes a totally inappropriate music video by a seemingly teenage girl with a really high voice and some of the most kawaii shit you’ve ever fucking seen.
Like with the French Paul Blart movie, the Japanese one has just been re-released by Asian Film Extreme! Pictures in an attempt to cash in on the new movie’s success. Given my total lack of anything to do last night (cheers again, Dave, Mister “Let’s go to the pub, no wait, I have to watch Grey’s Anatomy with the Missus”), I decided to watch it with notebook and pen in hand.
The Japanese version of the character Paul Blart, the eponymous Shinichi Yoshida (played by Jun Sakashita), is less of a slapstick buffoon and more of an angry anti-hero. The plot of the Japanese original is very similar to the newer American film, with the mall being overrun with katana-wielding yakuza (rather than balaclava-clad robbers), and only Yoshida being able to stop them. Also, much like in the latest film, the hero of the piece suffers ignominy at being a lowly mall cop, but, this being Japan, Yoshida is more worried about dishonouring his family, rather than letting himself down.
Similarities end with the plotline, though. This film is far more graphic and violent than Paul Blart, with flying disembodied limbs decapitating small children, automatic weaponry being fired into masses of writhing gangsters and a spectacular amount of blood. And that’s pretty much just in the first 30 minutes.
Indeed, anyone picking up this DVD as a gift for a child who enjoyed the American Paul Blart would be wise to watch it themselves first. There’s very little here suitable for young ones, not least the scene involving a many-tentacled monster and a busload of nuns.
Unlike in Paul Blart: Mall Cop, there’s not much of a romantic subplot to this film, unless you count the scene in which Yoshida is forced to do battle with a naked she-demon who has just emerged from a cursed television. And if you count that scene as romantic, forgive me for not wanting to French-kiss you.
It can be difficult to follow the plot of SY: MK at times; the scene in which a mysterious twelve-foot-tall goth turns up with a bass guitar which he uses to kill zombies, for example, is probably referencing some part of Japanese culture, but it’s lost on me. Happily, these elements are more than made up for by the visual splendour of the film. I kept track, and there are no scenes in the entire film in which cherry blossom does not appear, giving all the blood, guts, gore and tentacles a wonderful sheen by association.
All in all, Shinichi Yoshida: Mouru Koppu is a gripping, action-packed, slightly grotesque action film, in a very Japanese style. It is very different to Paul Blart: Mall Cop, which is only grotesque because it features a very fat man with a terrible moustache. Given the choice between watching the two, I’d opt for death by mau mau.
Shinichi Yoshida: Mouru Koppu is available from Monday on Asian Film Extreme! Pictures DVD. Bonus material includes a totally inappropriate music video by a seemingly teenage girl with a really high voice and some of the most kawaii shit you’ve ever fucking seen.
Monday, 26 January 2009
DVD Review: Jean-Paul Blarteau – Gendarme de l’Hypermarché
At the time of writing, the ‘comedy’ Paul Blart – Mall Cop is the top rated film in North America. Few of the mouth-breathing masses who saw it know that this harmless piece of Hollywood tripe is actually based on a 2006 French film, entitled Jean-Paul Blarteau – Gendarme de l’Hypermarché. Next week, in a hasty attempt to cash in on Blart’s success, International Film Distribution Ltd will be releasing the original French film on DVD, hoping for some of the American film’s popularity to rub off on it. Given that I didn’t have anything better to do with my Saturday (thanks for standing me up, Dave), I decided to see how the original fared.
Jean-Paul Blarteau – Gendarme de l’Hypermarché is certainly very different to its English-language equivalent. For a start, the main plot is not about a hapless mall security guard who is forced to defend his place of work from a group of robbers, as in Blart. Instead, the plotline revolves around the existential confusion of the eponymous Blarteau, whose life plays out in a series of black and white scenes involving lost balloons, strange asexual children and an idiot savant who constantly breaks wind and laughs.
While those familiar with avant garde French cinema will be well aware of the motifs in use here, those expecting a humorous romp involving Segways, small dogs and overweight losers will be let down. Indeed, the only comic relief in this film comes from Bufo, the aforementioned farter, and even then his appearances become more and more tinged with sadness. Such visual metaphors for time’s unthinking – and unending - futility are certainly absent from the American comedy.
Moreover, the romantic subplot in Paul Blart is definitely a new addition that does not appear in the French original. In Blart’s Gallic precursor, the film’s only romance is the ten-minute scene in which Blarteau looks longingly at a small rotten onion, sighing with melancholy and ignoring the calls for help of a nearby shoplifted store owner.
In Paul Blart: Mall Cop there are many visual jokes that occur thanks to the considerable size and weight of lead actor Kevin James. By comparison, Jean-Paul Blarteau’s lead actor, Patrice Delpeche, is incredibly thin, leading the viewer to see him as half a person, as if he isn’t really there. As the film goes on, Blarteau appears to shrink from view, as the weight of his own existence pushes him further and further away from himself. As such, this does not lend itself to slapstick getting-trapped-in-an-air-vent antics.
All in all, Jean-Paul Blarteau – Gendarme de l’Hypermarché is a very thought-provoking film, with deep, challenging insights into the nature of being and the monotony of subsistence. It isn’t for everyone, and it should probably be avoided by all the cretins who queued up for tickets to Paul Blart this weekend.
Jean-Paul Blarteau – Gendarme de l’Hypermarché is available next Monday from International Film Distribution Ltd. DVD extras include a ten hour documentary on the beauty of a popped balloon and a behind-the-scenes look at some garlic.
Jean-Paul Blarteau – Gendarme de l’Hypermarché is certainly very different to its English-language equivalent. For a start, the main plot is not about a hapless mall security guard who is forced to defend his place of work from a group of robbers, as in Blart. Instead, the plotline revolves around the existential confusion of the eponymous Blarteau, whose life plays out in a series of black and white scenes involving lost balloons, strange asexual children and an idiot savant who constantly breaks wind and laughs.
While those familiar with avant garde French cinema will be well aware of the motifs in use here, those expecting a humorous romp involving Segways, small dogs and overweight losers will be let down. Indeed, the only comic relief in this film comes from Bufo, the aforementioned farter, and even then his appearances become more and more tinged with sadness. Such visual metaphors for time’s unthinking – and unending - futility are certainly absent from the American comedy.
Moreover, the romantic subplot in Paul Blart is definitely a new addition that does not appear in the French original. In Blart’s Gallic precursor, the film’s only romance is the ten-minute scene in which Blarteau looks longingly at a small rotten onion, sighing with melancholy and ignoring the calls for help of a nearby shoplifted store owner.
In Paul Blart: Mall Cop there are many visual jokes that occur thanks to the considerable size and weight of lead actor Kevin James. By comparison, Jean-Paul Blarteau’s lead actor, Patrice Delpeche, is incredibly thin, leading the viewer to see him as half a person, as if he isn’t really there. As the film goes on, Blarteau appears to shrink from view, as the weight of his own existence pushes him further and further away from himself. As such, this does not lend itself to slapstick getting-trapped-in-an-air-vent antics.
All in all, Jean-Paul Blarteau – Gendarme de l’Hypermarché is a very thought-provoking film, with deep, challenging insights into the nature of being and the monotony of subsistence. It isn’t for everyone, and it should probably be avoided by all the cretins who queued up for tickets to Paul Blart this weekend.
Jean-Paul Blarteau – Gendarme de l’Hypermarché is available next Monday from International Film Distribution Ltd. DVD extras include a ten hour documentary on the beauty of a popped balloon and a behind-the-scenes look at some garlic.
Saturday, 27 December 2008
Films of the Year, 2009
Let’s face it, 2009 was an awful year for movies. Hardly anything good came out. The multitudes flocked, sheeplike, in their millions to see utter tripe. More than once, I was moved to vomit by the cinematic felchmess on the big screen. Many of the films I saw this year were so bad that I walked out of the cinema after just a few minutes, telling the establishment’s owner what I thought of their ‘entertainment’ with a well-thrown bag of excrement.
But in this rough year, some diamonds shone through. And while it’s easy to gripe about such shitefests as Satirical Movie, a satire of those awful, churned-out-by-the-dozen-and-guest-starring-Carmen-Electra satire movies like Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie, it’ll probably be better for my health to count down the few films that didn’t make me weep like a small child with no elbows. So let’s do it to it.
1: Three Men and Two and a Half Men and the Man in the Iron Mask and Five Children and It and It
After the huge runaway success of Three Men and Two and a Half Men earlier in the year, a big-budget sequel was quickly made, featuring Tom Selleck, Sam from Cheers and Corey Haim reunited with Charlie Sheen, the Fat Kid and His Ugly Dad. Together they travel to 17th Century France, rescue a mysterious imprisoned man, and save some Victorian children and a wish-granting pixie from a scary clown. This film had everything, and everyone I know who saw it was speechless for five days afterwards.
2: Moonlit Dusk
This heart-warming tale of a schoolgirl’s relationship with an undead werewolf was a huge hit with promise ring-wearing Jonas Brothers fans and hirsute paedophiles alike. Some liked it for the excitement, some for the romance; I liked it for the bit at the end when he eats her in a blood-crazed rage.
3: The Man Who Cried
My third favourite film of the year was sentimental weepie The Man Who Cried. In the course of 110 minutes, John Steward (played by John Actor) loses his lover, his dog, his parents, his son, his way to the funerals, his mind, his favourite tie, his keys, his ATM PIN, the use of his legs and his brother’s sundial. He cries. A lot. And so will you.
4: The Christmas Presence
A haunted Christmas tree terrorises two young parents (Jennifer Connelly and Mark Wahlburg) in this seasonal horror film. While the film itself wasn’t particularly good, it did win me the complete Monty Python DVD box set.
5: Ducks in a Bus
The animation of the year was this brilliantly funny film, which provides fun for all the family, except possibly Uncle Jim, who doesn’t really like this sort of thing. Four ducks (probably voiced by Jack Black, that fat one from Knocked Up, someone else currently de rigour and Ellen), find themselves in a bus. What will they do?
6: La Maison du Patrinibopp
A dead cert for best foreign film at next year’s Oscars, this French effort has weeping nuns, a prostitute with a heart of gold, a pair of men obsessed with the sound of their own farts and a whole lot of onion-scented loss and despair with glorious undercurrents. This film didn’t make a lick of sense.
7: CGI Man 2: The Explosioning
Fans of the first CGI Man film were not let down by the sequel, which featured explosions, bangs, big fights, shiny things, lights, loud noises, midriffs, and a hey! Look at that! It’s a funny dog! Look, it’s chasing his own tail! Ha ha ha ha silly dog! Where was I?
8: He-Man and the Masters of the Universe Battle the Guy with the Really Loud iPod on the Subway
Prince Adam of Eternia, along with his cohorts Teela, Man-at-Arms, Orko and the Sorceress find themselves pitted in mortal combat with a bloke playing Rhianna far too loud on the Bloor-Danforth subway line. Chilling and, ultimately, cathartic.
9: Pregnant Teenage Bride Wars
Combining two of the most bankable assets that Hollywood currently offers – Pregnant teens and Kate Hudson – this film is full of laughs from start to finish, except for a brief chuckle-free section around minutes 63 to 65.
10: The Imaginary Review Movie
Sadly overlooked by both critics and the idiot general viewing public, this film was a tour of force, with brilliant performances from the cast, especially the lead actor (I. Reviewer). The story, revolving around one man’s quest to rid the world of evil local listings magazines who don’t reply to well-written and neatly-typed letters, is excellent, and the soundtrack is also very nice. I loved this film.
But in this rough year, some diamonds shone through. And while it’s easy to gripe about such shitefests as Satirical Movie, a satire of those awful, churned-out-by-the-dozen-and-guest-starring-Carmen-Electra satire movies like Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie, it’ll probably be better for my health to count down the few films that didn’t make me weep like a small child with no elbows. So let’s do it to it.
1: Three Men and Two and a Half Men and the Man in the Iron Mask and Five Children and It and It
After the huge runaway success of Three Men and Two and a Half Men earlier in the year, a big-budget sequel was quickly made, featuring Tom Selleck, Sam from Cheers and Corey Haim reunited with Charlie Sheen, the Fat Kid and His Ugly Dad. Together they travel to 17th Century France, rescue a mysterious imprisoned man, and save some Victorian children and a wish-granting pixie from a scary clown. This film had everything, and everyone I know who saw it was speechless for five days afterwards.
2: Moonlit Dusk
This heart-warming tale of a schoolgirl’s relationship with an undead werewolf was a huge hit with promise ring-wearing Jonas Brothers fans and hirsute paedophiles alike. Some liked it for the excitement, some for the romance; I liked it for the bit at the end when he eats her in a blood-crazed rage.
3: The Man Who Cried
My third favourite film of the year was sentimental weepie The Man Who Cried. In the course of 110 minutes, John Steward (played by John Actor) loses his lover, his dog, his parents, his son, his way to the funerals, his mind, his favourite tie, his keys, his ATM PIN, the use of his legs and his brother’s sundial. He cries. A lot. And so will you.
4: The Christmas Presence
A haunted Christmas tree terrorises two young parents (Jennifer Connelly and Mark Wahlburg) in this seasonal horror film. While the film itself wasn’t particularly good, it did win me the complete Monty Python DVD box set.
5: Ducks in a Bus
The animation of the year was this brilliantly funny film, which provides fun for all the family, except possibly Uncle Jim, who doesn’t really like this sort of thing. Four ducks (probably voiced by Jack Black, that fat one from Knocked Up, someone else currently de rigour and Ellen), find themselves in a bus. What will they do?
6: La Maison du Patrinibopp
A dead cert for best foreign film at next year’s Oscars, this French effort has weeping nuns, a prostitute with a heart of gold, a pair of men obsessed with the sound of their own farts and a whole lot of onion-scented loss and despair with glorious undercurrents. This film didn’t make a lick of sense.
7: CGI Man 2: The Explosioning
Fans of the first CGI Man film were not let down by the sequel, which featured explosions, bangs, big fights, shiny things, lights, loud noises, midriffs, and a hey! Look at that! It’s a funny dog! Look, it’s chasing his own tail! Ha ha ha ha silly dog! Where was I?
8: He-Man and the Masters of the Universe Battle the Guy with the Really Loud iPod on the Subway
Prince Adam of Eternia, along with his cohorts Teela, Man-at-Arms, Orko and the Sorceress find themselves pitted in mortal combat with a bloke playing Rhianna far too loud on the Bloor-Danforth subway line. Chilling and, ultimately, cathartic.
9: Pregnant Teenage Bride Wars
Combining two of the most bankable assets that Hollywood currently offers – Pregnant teens and Kate Hudson – this film is full of laughs from start to finish, except for a brief chuckle-free section around minutes 63 to 65.
10: The Imaginary Review Movie
Sadly overlooked by both critics and the idiot general viewing public, this film was a tour of force, with brilliant performances from the cast, especially the lead actor (I. Reviewer). The story, revolving around one man’s quest to rid the world of evil local listings magazines who don’t reply to well-written and neatly-typed letters, is excellent, and the soundtrack is also very nice. I loved this film.
Friday, 31 October 2008
The Imaginary Reviewer has had a Very Busy Week so he's Reposting an Old Horror Film Review
The latest directoral masterpiece from Ang Lee (Brokeback Mountain, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon) comes just in time for Hallowe'en. Evil Blood II: The Hurtening is the sequel to the popular 2002 horror film in which Eliza Dushku and Sean William Scott were chased around an abandoned quarry by a ghostly quantity surveyor. This film, set three years after the events in the prequel, sees the quarry once again possessed by the spirits of the damned, but this time they mean business!
And what business they do! Lee's fine direction brings a wonderfully thrilling sense of aesthetic pleasure to the many death scenes. The garroting and facial slicing of one character is particularly gruesome, but with Lee's keen eye for colour the blood, puke and eye fluid have a gloriously vivid beauty. The settings, too, are stunning; in the wrong hands a cabin full of pig carcasses and human corpses stuffed with offal could look grotesque and unpleasant. But in The Hurtening this building is rendered with such feeling, such sensitivity, that it is almost chapel-like in its gothic beauty.
Lee's talents don't end there. He has managed to wrangle the most moving performances from his cast. Dame Judy Dench, for example, is simply remarkable in the role of Brenda. I really did believe that she was a high-school dropout caught between the whims of her parents and the desire for rebellion. Also, the role of Sherrif Bick was perfect for John Hurt, who can convey so much disbelief in the stories of children with a simple gravelly expression. Dame Thora Hird also shines as the evil ghosts' leader.
The story itself is rich with allegory and laden with hidden meaning. Ostensibly a tribute to the works of Luis Brunel and Ray Harryhausen, there are too many different interpretations in each stab wound and red-hot poker through the stomach to mention here. There's also a subtle nod in the direction of the US government in the form of a brief side plot in which a load of soldiers attack a foreign country and get their arses kicked by a load of terrorists.
To summarize then, Evil Blood II: The Hurtening is another glorious entry into the annals of cinema, all made possible by the genius of Ang Lee. I await his next picture - a live-action adaptation of the Thundercats cartoon - with bated breath.
Evil Blood II: The Hurtening opens on October 19th in several cinemas in London and fuck all else. Ang Lee will be appearing at an in-store tit signing in HMV, Great Yarmouth on the 21st.
And to say sorry for the repeat, here's my favourite scary video. Enjoy!
And what business they do! Lee's fine direction brings a wonderfully thrilling sense of aesthetic pleasure to the many death scenes. The garroting and facial slicing of one character is particularly gruesome, but with Lee's keen eye for colour the blood, puke and eye fluid have a gloriously vivid beauty. The settings, too, are stunning; in the wrong hands a cabin full of pig carcasses and human corpses stuffed with offal could look grotesque and unpleasant. But in The Hurtening this building is rendered with such feeling, such sensitivity, that it is almost chapel-like in its gothic beauty.
Lee's talents don't end there. He has managed to wrangle the most moving performances from his cast. Dame Judy Dench, for example, is simply remarkable in the role of Brenda. I really did believe that she was a high-school dropout caught between the whims of her parents and the desire for rebellion. Also, the role of Sherrif Bick was perfect for John Hurt, who can convey so much disbelief in the stories of children with a simple gravelly expression. Dame Thora Hird also shines as the evil ghosts' leader.
The story itself is rich with allegory and laden with hidden meaning. Ostensibly a tribute to the works of Luis Brunel and Ray Harryhausen, there are too many different interpretations in each stab wound and red-hot poker through the stomach to mention here. There's also a subtle nod in the direction of the US government in the form of a brief side plot in which a load of soldiers attack a foreign country and get their arses kicked by a load of terrorists.
To summarize then, Evil Blood II: The Hurtening is another glorious entry into the annals of cinema, all made possible by the genius of Ang Lee. I await his next picture - a live-action adaptation of the Thundercats cartoon - with bated breath.
Evil Blood II: The Hurtening opens on October 19th in several cinemas in London and fuck all else. Ang Lee will be appearing at an in-store tit signing in HMV, Great Yarmouth on the 21st.
And to say sorry for the repeat, here's my favourite scary video. Enjoy!
Wednesday, 1 October 2008
Film Review: Three Men and Two and a Half Men
After the tragic death of Steve Guttenberg during the filming of last year’s Three Men and a Baby Whale, fans of the Three Men film series were divided as to whether another sequel to the hugely popular Three Men and a Baby should be made. Director Ian Pinchcock has ignored the desires of the fickle masses, and jumped straight into making a fourth film, Three Men and Two and a Half Men.
Original Three Men cast members Tom Selleck and Sam From Cheers are joined by eighties throwback actor Corey Haim in the role vacated by Guttenberg. The plot of 3M&2&1/2M (catchy!) revolves around this masculine trio being forced to look after a dorky simpleton, his fat son and Charlie Sheen, after Tom Selleck’s character rescues them from a sinking dinghy. Fans of the unfathomably popular sitcom Two and a Half Men will love seeing their favourite characters gurning their way through two hours of inoffensive fart jokes and hilarious homosexual relationship misunderstandings with Haim et al.
Indeed, there is a lot to love about this film, from the bit where Charlie Sheen is walking in one direction, sees an attractive woman and changes direction to follow her mid-sentence, to the bit where the eponymous three men are forced to hide the eponymous two and a half men when having a romantic dinner for six with their girlfriends. And who can forget the bit where the fat kid burps? I’m still laughing at that bit now.
But fans of the original …and a Baby, …and a Little Lady and …and a Baby Whale will be disappointed by the lack of the familiar subtext wherein three males are brought together by the steadying influence of an immature female. I know there are numerous clubs and societies dedicated to discussing the constant feminist undertones in the 3 Men oeuvre, and they will be dismayed by the fact that the three men are not joined together by a female, but by a dork, a fat kid and a womanising buffoon. The overwhelming masculinity of this film is such that I had grown an extra testicle by the time the credits started rolling.
In summary, Three Men and Two and a Half Men is a relatively enjoyable romp through the psyche of the vapid American male, and Corey Haim does a good job of stepping in Guttenberg’s shoes. But there is still something lacking once one gets beyond the moustaches and farts, and that thing is women. I give this film three stars, which means you’ll avoid it in the cinema, but you might watch it on DVD later. And when you do, you can look out for the ghost of Steve Guttenberg, which is rumoured to appear behind a curtain in one of the scenes.
Incidentally, the makers of this film are already planning a sequel, Three Men and Two and a Half Men and the Man in the Iron Mask. I bet it’s rubbish.
Original Three Men cast members Tom Selleck and Sam From Cheers are joined by eighties throwback actor Corey Haim in the role vacated by Guttenberg. The plot of 3M&2&1/2M (catchy!) revolves around this masculine trio being forced to look after a dorky simpleton, his fat son and Charlie Sheen, after Tom Selleck’s character rescues them from a sinking dinghy. Fans of the unfathomably popular sitcom Two and a Half Men will love seeing their favourite characters gurning their way through two hours of inoffensive fart jokes and hilarious homosexual relationship misunderstandings with Haim et al.
Indeed, there is a lot to love about this film, from the bit where Charlie Sheen is walking in one direction, sees an attractive woman and changes direction to follow her mid-sentence, to the bit where the eponymous three men are forced to hide the eponymous two and a half men when having a romantic dinner for six with their girlfriends. And who can forget the bit where the fat kid burps? I’m still laughing at that bit now.
But fans of the original …and a Baby, …and a Little Lady and …and a Baby Whale will be disappointed by the lack of the familiar subtext wherein three males are brought together by the steadying influence of an immature female. I know there are numerous clubs and societies dedicated to discussing the constant feminist undertones in the 3 Men oeuvre, and they will be dismayed by the fact that the three men are not joined together by a female, but by a dork, a fat kid and a womanising buffoon. The overwhelming masculinity of this film is such that I had grown an extra testicle by the time the credits started rolling.
In summary, Three Men and Two and a Half Men is a relatively enjoyable romp through the psyche of the vapid American male, and Corey Haim does a good job of stepping in Guttenberg’s shoes. But there is still something lacking once one gets beyond the moustaches and farts, and that thing is women. I give this film three stars, which means you’ll avoid it in the cinema, but you might watch it on DVD later. And when you do, you can look out for the ghost of Steve Guttenberg, which is rumoured to appear behind a curtain in one of the scenes.
Incidentally, the makers of this film are already planning a sequel, Three Men and Two and a Half Men and the Man in the Iron Mask. I bet it’s rubbish.
Monday, 28 July 2008
The Imaginary Right to Reply
It’s time for another Imaginary Mailbag! Today, I’m opening the floor to a couple of people who have something to say about specific reviews that I’ve conducted recently. Enjoy.
Sir,
When I heard that you would be reviewing the latest work by Mister Andrew Swithin, Two Irish Priests and a Transvestite Midget Walk into a Bar…, I was highly excited. Here is a writer whose talents are all too often ignored these days, and I hoped you’re your review would redress the balance. Reading your analysis of the piece, however, left me sorely disappointed. I feel that you have done Mister Swithin a great disservice with your review, and while I don’t doubt that he is more than capable of responding himself, I do not know whether he reads your website. With this in mind I am writing this letter to correct you on a few points, and I hope Andrew will not mind my doing so.
Firstly, I believe that your review is based on a flawed premise, namely that you accuse Two Irish Priests… of attempting – and failing – to work on a meta-humorous level. This, I feel, is incorrect. You compare the work to that of Rodney Ambrose (such as the famed A Punchline and a Set-Up Walk into a Bar…), but I don’t feel this is fair. Two Irish Priests… begins on a meta-meta-humorous level (in a ‘knowing of the knowing of the joke’ sense; c.f.: Etheridge’s A Humorist Walks into a Fourth Wall…), but skips down two levels by the time the punchline arrives. An added layer of humour is derived from this uncomfortable slip through the intra-joke strata, which you fail to recognise in your review.
You also criticise Two Irish Priests… on the basis of its unbelievable premise, again missing the whole point of the piece. The cement that binds the humour and the pathos is the unlikely scenario; without this, the whole thing would fall apart like a poorly made sandcastle. If Swithin had not replaced the traditional bartender with a talking giraffe, the priests, midget and even the mushroom-shaped pints of Guinness would escape their moorings and disappear into the ether before the pay-off would be able to occur. Take DeFalco’s ill-advised Knock Knock/Who’s There?/[Silence] series as an example of when the lack of an unbelievable premise creates a kind of comedic black hole. Anyone experiencing DeFalco’s work suffers such a lack of humour that anything remotely funny in the surrounding area is sucked away and is gone forever. Swithin avoids this with the talking giraffe bartender.
There were many other regretful elements to your review, such as the mistaken application of Fox’s law (which states that level of humour is proportional to the number of porpoises in the work), and your inability to differentiate between the chicken in the Crossing the Road series and the rubber chicken of physical comedy. I hope that future reviews of new works by popular joke-writers are not so poorly done as this.
Regards, etc
Sir Walter Cholmondeley
Sir,
Your review of my recent feature, The Chronicles of Hornier: Prince Asspian, was grossly unfair. You compare it to Joel Garner’s 2006 film, Butt-Loving Lesbian Love Pile 3, saying that next to this movie, my film is “left wanting, like a nymphomaniac at a eunuch convention.” In defence of my film, Garner was given a large grant by the arts council, while Asspian was wholly self-financed. In outlining the strength of Garner’s casting choices, you neglect to my own discovery of Shia LeBeef, whose career is certainly going to grow in the coming years.
I also take umbrage with your assertion that many of the scenes in Asspian seemed “tacked on”. The scriptwriter and I worked long and hard to create a story that combined exciting action, fluid dialogue and the hottest young starlets sucking and fucking. To suggest that it is “tacked on” for a character to sleep with a faun in order to extract information, or for two characters in the midst of a battle to be overcome with lust and start shagging on the battlefield, is, quite frankly, nonsense. I reject the accusation.
Despite these complaints, I am gratified to acknowledge your praise for the film’s cinematography. The use of such extreme close-ups was a matter of some debate for me, but in the end I feel that they were warranted. I’m pleased that their glistening majesty were appreciated.
I look forward to a more fair and balanced review of my upcoming release, Indiana Slut and the Kingdom of the Crystal Dildoes.
Regards,
Sir Anthony St John- Headingly
Sir,
When I heard that you would be reviewing the latest work by Mister Andrew Swithin, Two Irish Priests and a Transvestite Midget Walk into a Bar…, I was highly excited. Here is a writer whose talents are all too often ignored these days, and I hoped you’re your review would redress the balance. Reading your analysis of the piece, however, left me sorely disappointed. I feel that you have done Mister Swithin a great disservice with your review, and while I don’t doubt that he is more than capable of responding himself, I do not know whether he reads your website. With this in mind I am writing this letter to correct you on a few points, and I hope Andrew will not mind my doing so.
Firstly, I believe that your review is based on a flawed premise, namely that you accuse Two Irish Priests… of attempting – and failing – to work on a meta-humorous level. This, I feel, is incorrect. You compare the work to that of Rodney Ambrose (such as the famed A Punchline and a Set-Up Walk into a Bar…), but I don’t feel this is fair. Two Irish Priests… begins on a meta-meta-humorous level (in a ‘knowing of the knowing of the joke’ sense; c.f.: Etheridge’s A Humorist Walks into a Fourth Wall…), but skips down two levels by the time the punchline arrives. An added layer of humour is derived from this uncomfortable slip through the intra-joke strata, which you fail to recognise in your review.
You also criticise Two Irish Priests… on the basis of its unbelievable premise, again missing the whole point of the piece. The cement that binds the humour and the pathos is the unlikely scenario; without this, the whole thing would fall apart like a poorly made sandcastle. If Swithin had not replaced the traditional bartender with a talking giraffe, the priests, midget and even the mushroom-shaped pints of Guinness would escape their moorings and disappear into the ether before the pay-off would be able to occur. Take DeFalco’s ill-advised Knock Knock/Who’s There?/[Silence] series as an example of when the lack of an unbelievable premise creates a kind of comedic black hole. Anyone experiencing DeFalco’s work suffers such a lack of humour that anything remotely funny in the surrounding area is sucked away and is gone forever. Swithin avoids this with the talking giraffe bartender.
There were many other regretful elements to your review, such as the mistaken application of Fox’s law (which states that level of humour is proportional to the number of porpoises in the work), and your inability to differentiate between the chicken in the Crossing the Road series and the rubber chicken of physical comedy. I hope that future reviews of new works by popular joke-writers are not so poorly done as this.
Regards, etc
Sir Walter Cholmondeley
Sir,
Your review of my recent feature, The Chronicles of Hornier: Prince Asspian, was grossly unfair. You compare it to Joel Garner’s 2006 film, Butt-Loving Lesbian Love Pile 3, saying that next to this movie, my film is “left wanting, like a nymphomaniac at a eunuch convention.” In defence of my film, Garner was given a large grant by the arts council, while Asspian was wholly self-financed. In outlining the strength of Garner’s casting choices, you neglect to my own discovery of Shia LeBeef, whose career is certainly going to grow in the coming years.
I also take umbrage with your assertion that many of the scenes in Asspian seemed “tacked on”. The scriptwriter and I worked long and hard to create a story that combined exciting action, fluid dialogue and the hottest young starlets sucking and fucking. To suggest that it is “tacked on” for a character to sleep with a faun in order to extract information, or for two characters in the midst of a battle to be overcome with lust and start shagging on the battlefield, is, quite frankly, nonsense. I reject the accusation.
Despite these complaints, I am gratified to acknowledge your praise for the film’s cinematography. The use of such extreme close-ups was a matter of some debate for me, but in the end I feel that they were warranted. I’m pleased that their glistening majesty were appreciated.
I look forward to a more fair and balanced review of my upcoming release, Indiana Slut and the Kingdom of the Crystal Dildoes.
Regards,
Sir Anthony St John- Headingly
Thursday, 24 July 2008
Film Review: Eats, Shoots and Leaves: The Movie
Adaptations of best-selling books are all the rage, with recent examples including Brick Lane, Atonement and College Road Trip. Now, Lynne Truss’s popular Eats, Shoots and Leaves has received the big-screen treatment, and – I’m told – a tie-in video game is not far behind.
Directed by John Woo, Eats, Shoots and Leaves: The Movie stars Kate Hudson as Lynne, a young writer and pedant who uncovers a cabal of evil pandas who are plotting to take over the world. The despicable Chinese bears are planning to remove commas, insert apostrophes and place superfluous parentheses in sentences around the world in order to create anarchy and chaos. When the time is right, the pandas will seize the moment and take over the Earth, unless Lynne can stop them.
From start to finish, Eats, Shoots and Leaves is an action-packed cockroar of a film. Some of the scenes in which Lynne and her love interest (played by Shia LeBeouf) are being chased through L.A. by a rogue inessential exclamation mark are stunning examples of high-quality CGI. But this is so much more than a straightforward mindless action flick. Woo has really got the best out of his lead actors, and both Hudson and LeBeouf really convey the fear and confusion that arises when one sees the phrase “Pizza’s” on a restaurant menu. There are times when this film filled me with the same sadness that I felt when I realised my son couldn’t tell the difference between the words “effect” and “affect”.
My main concern with Eats, Shoots and Leaves: The Movie is that fans of the book may be disappointed with some of the film’s omissions. While there is an entire chapter of ES&L devoted to text speak, there is nothing on the subject in the film. Several movie websites have speculated that this is due in part to the film’s obvious sponsorship by Motorola (who must have paid for all the film’s characters to be using Motorola cell phones). Whether this is true or not, I can’t say, but it can’t have been too hard for the writers to add a scene in which the pandas say “lol” or “double-you tee eff”.
On the other hand, fans of Lynne Truss’s highly anal book will love the ending. While it would be bad form for me to divulge what happens, I can say that it involves a final answer to the long-standing war between proponents and opponents of the serial comma.
In summary, Eats, Shoots and Leaves: The Movie gets lots of stars out of a possible more. If you only see one film this year, you’re an artless philistine who shouldn’t be reading The Imaginary Review. For everyone else, this is a great way to spend a barrel of popcorn.
Eat's: Shoot's; and Leaves's:-:The Movie'll be not unreleased on august Fourth. Do'nt forget to get nacho's & frie'z.
Directed by John Woo, Eats, Shoots and Leaves: The Movie stars Kate Hudson as Lynne, a young writer and pedant who uncovers a cabal of evil pandas who are plotting to take over the world. The despicable Chinese bears are planning to remove commas, insert apostrophes and place superfluous parentheses in sentences around the world in order to create anarchy and chaos. When the time is right, the pandas will seize the moment and take over the Earth, unless Lynne can stop them.
From start to finish, Eats, Shoots and Leaves is an action-packed cockroar of a film. Some of the scenes in which Lynne and her love interest (played by Shia LeBeouf) are being chased through L.A. by a rogue inessential exclamation mark are stunning examples of high-quality CGI. But this is so much more than a straightforward mindless action flick. Woo has really got the best out of his lead actors, and both Hudson and LeBeouf really convey the fear and confusion that arises when one sees the phrase “Pizza’s” on a restaurant menu. There are times when this film filled me with the same sadness that I felt when I realised my son couldn’t tell the difference between the words “effect” and “affect”.
My main concern with Eats, Shoots and Leaves: The Movie is that fans of the book may be disappointed with some of the film’s omissions. While there is an entire chapter of ES&L devoted to text speak, there is nothing on the subject in the film. Several movie websites have speculated that this is due in part to the film’s obvious sponsorship by Motorola (who must have paid for all the film’s characters to be using Motorola cell phones). Whether this is true or not, I can’t say, but it can’t have been too hard for the writers to add a scene in which the pandas say “lol” or “double-you tee eff”.
On the other hand, fans of Lynne Truss’s highly anal book will love the ending. While it would be bad form for me to divulge what happens, I can say that it involves a final answer to the long-standing war between proponents and opponents of the serial comma.
In summary, Eats, Shoots and Leaves: The Movie gets lots of stars out of a possible more. If you only see one film this year, you’re an artless philistine who shouldn’t be reading The Imaginary Review. For everyone else, this is a great way to spend a barrel of popcorn.
Eat's: Shoot's; and Leaves's:-:The Movie'll be not unreleased on august Fourth. Do'nt forget to get nacho's & frie'z.
Thursday, 12 June 2008
Special 100th Review Spectacular: The Imaginary Reviewed on DVD
When The Imaginary Review started last year, one of our early fans was Nigel Worthington-Rhys, a documentary film-maker from Wales. He realised soon after the first review that this was going to be huge, a massively successful project that would unite and polarise vast swathes of the planet, and he wanted to be a part of the staggering critical behemoth before everyone joined the bandwagon.
Since that first review was printed, Worthington-Rhys has followed up on the subjects of each entry, interviewing them and following their post-IR successes with the help of a video camera. With the 100th Imaginary Review now published, Worthington-Rhys has edited the footage and released it as a documentary entitled The Imaginary Reviewed. Narrated by the film-maker himself, it makes for some very interesting viewing.
The subjects of the film are covered more or less chronologically, beginning with the first reviewee. Winwood Augary, author of The Climes of Despair (a book he translated from Greek into English despite not speaking a word of the former language), is given this honour. Augary is interviewed briefly from the mental institution in which he now resides, which makes for sad viewing from the onset. He appears to be unaware of his place in history as the subject of the first Imaginary Review, and the mention of the book that rendered him insane causes him to break down violently. The story is left to his publisher, Derek Shatner, who claims that the book’s appearance on The Imaginary Review meant that it sold more than the anticipated zero copies. When asked by Worthington-Rhys how many of the books were purchased, Shatner responds, “at least three!”
The effect of an Imaginary Review is a common theme throughout the documentary, and many of the people featured here are thankful for the level of recognition that the website gave them. Even a mostly negative review could have positive results, as witnessed by artist Gustav Chichester, whose Timpani Suicide installation was described as “drama-less tat” by The Imaginary Reviewer. He claims that his exhibition showed a 33% rise in visitors after the review, but adds that this could be because the days following the review’s publication were very rainy.
Worthington-Rhys’s love of The Imaginary Review is highly apparent through The Imaginary Reviewed. In some of the interviews, it is as if the camera is lovingly caressing the people onscreen, such is the bold light in which they are filmed. In the case of the Cheeky Girls (whose Cheeky Manifesto was reviewed last August), Worthington-Rhys is actually caressing them with the camera, which unfortunately does make for some awkward viewing.
For me, the best part of the documentary is the “Where are they now?” aspect. I was highly pleased to find out that the SwampAid music festival in Annifridagnethaville gained so much publicity from our Imaginary Review that this year’s concert will be headlined by U2, Coldplay, The Rolling Stones (playing with the remaining Beatles), Radiohead and God (who will be joined by President Bongo and the Democratic Republic of Phonque).
In the documentary we also discover that Dave’s Uncle Ted (also reviewed last July), was so touched by his generally positive review that he swore off the booze after reading it. He hasn’t been incarcerated since.
Evil Blood II: The Hurtening, was such a box-office smash that several sequels are already in the works; a similar thing is true for The Golden Rump Ass, reviewed earlier this year. In the four weeks since the critique was printed, six sequels have been released, including The Golden Rump-Ass 4: The Rumpening and The Golden Rump-Ass 5: Rump-Asses Gone Wild.
But not all Imaginary Reviews have led to success stories. Garrulous Industries, makers of the Tring 32X, went bankrupt shortly after it was released. All machines had to be recalled after they were proved to cause dwarfism. Gunchen Maladroit, the photographer whose A Life in Frame retrospective was reviewed last October, was investigated by the police after the show contained photographs of a picnic table that were deemed pornographic. He is now in hiding and only agreed to appear in the film if his face was obscured by a large balloon.
Nigel Worthington-Rhys’s narration on the documentary is superb. He knows his subjects inside and out, having spent an inordinate amount of time on research. “Before I read the Imaginary Review of the Nokia 22-20 Gunphone,” he says in the voice-over, “I had no idea it existed. Thanks to The Imaginary Review I know it’s not an excellent mugger deterrent, a view that I put to the machine’s developers in Finland.”
Some time is dedicated to the things listed in The Imaginary Review’s various end of year reviews, and the people behind the top-ranked albums, films, colours and comics are all questioned about their opinions on the website. Mostly none have heard of it, despite their accolades at The Imaginary Reviewer’s hands.
I can’t recommend this documentary enough for the many, many loyal Imaginary Review fans out there. Anyone who wants to know how successful Freedom 2008 by The Right Trema was (and why he was dropped by his record company) should watch it. Likewise, anyone who wants to see whether Men at Work - the wonderful art exhibit - was finished on schedule and under budget, and how much a two bedroom apartment inside it now costs, should get a copy.
The Imaginary Reviewed will certainly be a strong contender for Best Documentary at next year’s Oscars, a fitting tribute to Nigel, as well as the stars of his film, including the many people featured in it who are sadly no longer with us and to whom the film is dedicated. These include Wayne Carroll (who choked on his own vomit shortly after his Complete Drunken Text Message Poetry Collection was released), Ted the Unknown Species (who caught the very un-pet-like Dutch Elm Disease) and Jerry the dead zookeeper, who is currently being sued for traumatising the children at his presentation this month.
Gosh, that was fun, wasn’t it? Here’s to the next 100 reviews! Maybe Now Toronto will have hired me by then!
Since that first review was printed, Worthington-Rhys has followed up on the subjects of each entry, interviewing them and following their post-IR successes with the help of a video camera. With the 100th Imaginary Review now published, Worthington-Rhys has edited the footage and released it as a documentary entitled The Imaginary Reviewed. Narrated by the film-maker himself, it makes for some very interesting viewing.
The subjects of the film are covered more or less chronologically, beginning with the first reviewee. Winwood Augary, author of The Climes of Despair (a book he translated from Greek into English despite not speaking a word of the former language), is given this honour. Augary is interviewed briefly from the mental institution in which he now resides, which makes for sad viewing from the onset. He appears to be unaware of his place in history as the subject of the first Imaginary Review, and the mention of the book that rendered him insane causes him to break down violently. The story is left to his publisher, Derek Shatner, who claims that the book’s appearance on The Imaginary Review meant that it sold more than the anticipated zero copies. When asked by Worthington-Rhys how many of the books were purchased, Shatner responds, “at least three!”
The effect of an Imaginary Review is a common theme throughout the documentary, and many of the people featured here are thankful for the level of recognition that the website gave them. Even a mostly negative review could have positive results, as witnessed by artist Gustav Chichester, whose Timpani Suicide installation was described as “drama-less tat” by The Imaginary Reviewer. He claims that his exhibition showed a 33% rise in visitors after the review, but adds that this could be because the days following the review’s publication were very rainy.
Worthington-Rhys’s love of The Imaginary Review is highly apparent through The Imaginary Reviewed. In some of the interviews, it is as if the camera is lovingly caressing the people onscreen, such is the bold light in which they are filmed. In the case of the Cheeky Girls (whose Cheeky Manifesto was reviewed last August), Worthington-Rhys is actually caressing them with the camera, which unfortunately does make for some awkward viewing.
For me, the best part of the documentary is the “Where are they now?” aspect. I was highly pleased to find out that the SwampAid music festival in Annifridagnethaville gained so much publicity from our Imaginary Review that this year’s concert will be headlined by U2, Coldplay, The Rolling Stones (playing with the remaining Beatles), Radiohead and God (who will be joined by President Bongo and the Democratic Republic of Phonque).
In the documentary we also discover that Dave’s Uncle Ted (also reviewed last July), was so touched by his generally positive review that he swore off the booze after reading it. He hasn’t been incarcerated since.
Evil Blood II: The Hurtening, was such a box-office smash that several sequels are already in the works; a similar thing is true for The Golden Rump Ass, reviewed earlier this year. In the four weeks since the critique was printed, six sequels have been released, including The Golden Rump-Ass 4: The Rumpening and The Golden Rump-Ass 5: Rump-Asses Gone Wild.
But not all Imaginary Reviews have led to success stories. Garrulous Industries, makers of the Tring 32X, went bankrupt shortly after it was released. All machines had to be recalled after they were proved to cause dwarfism. Gunchen Maladroit, the photographer whose A Life in Frame retrospective was reviewed last October, was investigated by the police after the show contained photographs of a picnic table that were deemed pornographic. He is now in hiding and only agreed to appear in the film if his face was obscured by a large balloon.
Nigel Worthington-Rhys’s narration on the documentary is superb. He knows his subjects inside and out, having spent an inordinate amount of time on research. “Before I read the Imaginary Review of the Nokia 22-20 Gunphone,” he says in the voice-over, “I had no idea it existed. Thanks to The Imaginary Review I know it’s not an excellent mugger deterrent, a view that I put to the machine’s developers in Finland.”
Some time is dedicated to the things listed in The Imaginary Review’s various end of year reviews, and the people behind the top-ranked albums, films, colours and comics are all questioned about their opinions on the website. Mostly none have heard of it, despite their accolades at The Imaginary Reviewer’s hands.
I can’t recommend this documentary enough for the many, many loyal Imaginary Review fans out there. Anyone who wants to know how successful Freedom 2008 by The Right Trema was (and why he was dropped by his record company) should watch it. Likewise, anyone who wants to see whether Men at Work - the wonderful art exhibit - was finished on schedule and under budget, and how much a two bedroom apartment inside it now costs, should get a copy.
The Imaginary Reviewed will certainly be a strong contender for Best Documentary at next year’s Oscars, a fitting tribute to Nigel, as well as the stars of his film, including the many people featured in it who are sadly no longer with us and to whom the film is dedicated. These include Wayne Carroll (who choked on his own vomit shortly after his Complete Drunken Text Message Poetry Collection was released), Ted the Unknown Species (who caught the very un-pet-like Dutch Elm Disease) and Jerry the dead zookeeper, who is currently being sued for traumatising the children at his presentation this month.
Gosh, that was fun, wasn’t it? Here’s to the next 100 reviews! Maybe Now Toronto will have hired me by then!
Friday, 11 April 2008
Film Review – (I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight
New York policeman Nick Reed (played by Mark Wahlberg of ‘And the Funky Bunch’ fame) feels like the luckiest man in the world. He has just been promoted to Detective, and he has just met the girl of his dreams, the gorgeous Lucy (Kristen Bell). But when a series of murders occurs on a long, hot night, everything points to his new beau. Reed can’t seem to escape the fact that the murdered men all just died in her arms tonight. It must have been something she said….but what? It’s up to Detective Reed to find out, before Lucy strikes again!
The latest hit US thriller from director Michael Mann is about to be released in England, and it’s a chilling tale of murder and redemption. Inspired by the song of the same name by Cutting Crew, (I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight kept me on the edge of my seat throughout each heartbreaking and action-packed minute.
Wahlberg is excellent as the detective who is torn between the feelings he has for his lover and the knowledge that a lot of men just died in her arms tonight and it must have been something she said. Bell is quite fearsome as Lucy, the killer, and the actress makes it feel easy, makes it feel right, in the role.
There are some wonderfully tense scenes, like when Lucy’s latest potential victim (Ian Holm) finds himself in the bedroom where so many other men have just died in her arms. The camera slowly pans through the room, showing Lucy’s diary sitting on the bedside table, the curtains, closed, and a cat in a cradle. Whether this is symbolic, or just a bit weird, I couldn’t tell. But it’s still very nice to look at.
That’s not to say that the film is flawless. I felt myself feel frustrated by the plot at times, especially when the actions of the men who die in Lucy’s arms don’t make sense. I couldn’t understand why they just didn’t walk away. They should have walked away.
There’s a nice little twist ending to the film, too, when Reed discovers that it wasn’t something she said, but instead it was some kind of kiss that caused the men to just die in her arms tonight. I know it’s bad form to reveal the ending to a film in the review, but this was so great I couldn’t keep it a secret. Sorry!
All in all, I would say that (I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight compares well to Michael Mann’s other thrillers, like Collateral and Heat, especially given that it is constrained by being entirely based on a song by an awful 80s band. Three stars.
The latest hit US thriller from director Michael Mann is about to be released in England, and it’s a chilling tale of murder and redemption. Inspired by the song of the same name by Cutting Crew, (I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight kept me on the edge of my seat throughout each heartbreaking and action-packed minute.
Wahlberg is excellent as the detective who is torn between the feelings he has for his lover and the knowledge that a lot of men just died in her arms tonight and it must have been something she said. Bell is quite fearsome as Lucy, the killer, and the actress makes it feel easy, makes it feel right, in the role.
There are some wonderfully tense scenes, like when Lucy’s latest potential victim (Ian Holm) finds himself in the bedroom where so many other men have just died in her arms. The camera slowly pans through the room, showing Lucy’s diary sitting on the bedside table, the curtains, closed, and a cat in a cradle. Whether this is symbolic, or just a bit weird, I couldn’t tell. But it’s still very nice to look at.
That’s not to say that the film is flawless. I felt myself feel frustrated by the plot at times, especially when the actions of the men who die in Lucy’s arms don’t make sense. I couldn’t understand why they just didn’t walk away. They should have walked away.
There’s a nice little twist ending to the film, too, when Reed discovers that it wasn’t something she said, but instead it was some kind of kiss that caused the men to just die in her arms tonight. I know it’s bad form to reveal the ending to a film in the review, but this was so great I couldn’t keep it a secret. Sorry!
All in all, I would say that (I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight compares well to Michael Mann’s other thrillers, like Collateral and Heat, especially given that it is constrained by being entirely based on a song by an awful 80s band. Three stars.
Friday, 22 February 2008
We see the new film from Pixar Studios!
The Adventures of Andrew the Anthropomorphic Animal is the new film from Pixar, the makers of Ratatouille and Cars. The film continues the company’s tendency to make animations about anthropomorphic creatures, the lone exception being The Impossibles, which was a complete financial disaster for Pixar due to its lack of things talking that shouldn’t normally talk.
With a famous human male actor playing the role of Andrew, and a famous female actor playing Cutesey, the beautiful but sassy anthropomorphic love interest, this film should continue to add to Pixar’s popularity. It’s full of fun for the whole family, with wonderful slapstick events that children will love, and some in-jokes for the adults, courtesy of Andrew’s dumb but wise-cracking sidekick, played by a famous comedian.
The story begins in Andrew’s home area, where he and his fellow animals do all sorts of things that humans do, but with funny animal-esque touches. Andrew is not satisfied with his life, however, and embarks on a quest that takes him beyond the confines of his familiar surroundings and into the great wide world, where he discovers himself and a whole lot more.
The film is gorgeously animated, with the anthropomorphic animals and scenery all beautifully rendered in a 3D style that is typical of the day. The character design is also great – Andrew’s nemesis, played by an aging English actor, is particularly nice to look at – and it’s certainly obvious that the makers spent a long time studying animals and their peculiarities. After a while one forgets that everything onscreen is a computer-generated creature behaving as a human, such is the realism of the hominine critters.
Of course, no film is perfect, and Andrew the Anthropomorphic Animal suffers from some flaws. The music, by a famous songwriter who had hits in the 1970s, grates a little as the film goes on. The sub-plot involving Andrew’s sidekick getting lost in a forest and trying to find his way back feels somewhat tacked on and familiar. But this is an otherwise good movie, which will be remembered forever as one of the many good movies featuring anthropomorphised non-human things that Pixar have made.
Rating: Four Antz out of Five
With a famous human male actor playing the role of Andrew, and a famous female actor playing Cutesey, the beautiful but sassy anthropomorphic love interest, this film should continue to add to Pixar’s popularity. It’s full of fun for the whole family, with wonderful slapstick events that children will love, and some in-jokes for the adults, courtesy of Andrew’s dumb but wise-cracking sidekick, played by a famous comedian.
The story begins in Andrew’s home area, where he and his fellow animals do all sorts of things that humans do, but with funny animal-esque touches. Andrew is not satisfied with his life, however, and embarks on a quest that takes him beyond the confines of his familiar surroundings and into the great wide world, where he discovers himself and a whole lot more.
The film is gorgeously animated, with the anthropomorphic animals and scenery all beautifully rendered in a 3D style that is typical of the day. The character design is also great – Andrew’s nemesis, played by an aging English actor, is particularly nice to look at – and it’s certainly obvious that the makers spent a long time studying animals and their peculiarities. After a while one forgets that everything onscreen is a computer-generated creature behaving as a human, such is the realism of the hominine critters.
Of course, no film is perfect, and Andrew the Anthropomorphic Animal suffers from some flaws. The music, by a famous songwriter who had hits in the 1970s, grates a little as the film goes on. The sub-plot involving Andrew’s sidekick getting lost in a forest and trying to find his way back feels somewhat tacked on and familiar. But this is an otherwise good movie, which will be remembered forever as one of the many good movies featuring anthropomorphised non-human things that Pixar have made.
Rating: Four Antz out of Five
Monday, 21 January 2008
Film Review: Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot AGAIN!
With the release of last year’s Rocky Balboa and the forthcoming Rambo sequel, movie moguls are rushing to cash in with Sly Stallone sequels. The next is Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot AGAIN!, reuniting Estelle Getty with Stallone, and bringing in Jamie Foxx as Stallone’s wise-cracking sidekick.
Directed by Brian DePalma, the story revolves around a prescription drug-ring secretly importing cut-price medication from Canada and undercutting pharmaceutical companies in the US. In order to bust the ring open, Detective Joe Bomowski needs someone to pose as a buyer from the ring, and who better to use than his own mother?
With a story like that, can anything ensue but hilarity? Well, yes it can. While some scenes raise a smile – the sight of Getty being accidentally tasered by her own son is particularly amusing – for the majority of its 108 minutes, this movie is neither funny nor exciting. Foxx’s character is just annoying; why he agreed to be in this movie when it should be passed down to someone like Chris Tucker is beyond me. Even Jimmy Smitts, here playing Gerardo, crime boss and the thorn in Stallone’s side, can’t save his character from stereotypical drudgery.
In short: Watch the trailer. See Estelle Getty hit by 3,000 volts of electricity and Jamie Foxx falling off a boat while dressed as an old lady. Smile. Smile some more, knowing you just enjoyed the only two moments in the film worth watching, and that you saved the cost of your cinema ticket.
One star, shaped like a clapperboard.
Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot AGAIN!, starring Sylvester Stallone, Estelle Getty, Jaime Foxx and Jimmy Smitts. Directed by Brian DePalma. Released March 29th. Rated PG for scenes of cross-dressing, mildly offensive language, moderately offensive acting and unchristian values.
Directed by Brian DePalma, the story revolves around a prescription drug-ring secretly importing cut-price medication from Canada and undercutting pharmaceutical companies in the US. In order to bust the ring open, Detective Joe Bomowski needs someone to pose as a buyer from the ring, and who better to use than his own mother?
With a story like that, can anything ensue but hilarity? Well, yes it can. While some scenes raise a smile – the sight of Getty being accidentally tasered by her own son is particularly amusing – for the majority of its 108 minutes, this movie is neither funny nor exciting. Foxx’s character is just annoying; why he agreed to be in this movie when it should be passed down to someone like Chris Tucker is beyond me. Even Jimmy Smitts, here playing Gerardo, crime boss and the thorn in Stallone’s side, can’t save his character from stereotypical drudgery.
In short: Watch the trailer. See Estelle Getty hit by 3,000 volts of electricity and Jamie Foxx falling off a boat while dressed as an old lady. Smile. Smile some more, knowing you just enjoyed the only two moments in the film worth watching, and that you saved the cost of your cinema ticket.
One star, shaped like a clapperboard.
Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot AGAIN!, starring Sylvester Stallone, Estelle Getty, Jaime Foxx and Jimmy Smitts. Directed by Brian DePalma. Released March 29th. Rated PG for scenes of cross-dressing, mildly offensive language, moderately offensive acting and unchristian values.
Thursday, 13 December 2007
2007: The Year in Films
In the next in my series of year-end lists, I assume you care about which films I enjoyed this year. Care, damn you!
1) James Bond and the Shadow of the Colossus
The best film by far was the new James Bond film, which came out in September. Based on the popular video game, Shadow of the Colossus, Bond is sent to a desert by Q as MI5 believe there is a terrorist cell training there. Instead he uncovers a series of giant monsters whom he must fight using magnetic pens and bomb-laden watches before saving the girl and driving around in an invisible flying car. Willem Dafoe is excellent as the main monster boss baddie.
2) The Quintessence of Despair
Apparently this period drama was conceived, written, filmed and acted with the sole intention of winning every single Oscar available. This goes some way to explaining how good the film is (The 30 minute 'weeping' scene was particularly moving), but it also explains why half of the film is animated and why Maria, the destitute beauty in love with a nobleman, is played by a CGI-generated dinosaur. In the end, the only Oscar that this film didn't win was best supporting actress, which was won by Meryl Streep in another film.
3) Stephen King's Planet of the Stephen Kings
The best horror film of the year had to be this one, in which Madchen (Twin Peaks) Amick and Mark-Paul (Saved by the Bell) Gosselaar wake to find themselves on a parallel Earth which is populated by millions of bespectacled best-selling horror writers. Apparently the story is based on the writer's view of what an ideal, Utopian Earth would look like. Either way, this is a great film, especially with the brilliant twist ending (it's all a practical joke).
4) Dptinh
The best foreign film of the year was Dptinh, a Latvian film about a spring. Starring Nsfvhrn Smivk and Higb-Paul Hoddrlsst, the story follows two people's quest to find a spring that they lost as children. The cinematography of this picture was enough to win several awards, some of them good ones.
5) Dude, I Saw Your Mom Naked
The highest-grossing comedy ever (in more ways than one!), Dude, I Saw Your Mom Naked has everything that a good film should have. Laughs, laughs, laughs and some vomit. Directed by Kenneth Branagh and featuring an all-star cast including Emma Thompson, Sir John Gielgud, James-Earl Jones, Lori Petty and Robert DeNiro, this chuckle-filled gross-fest is sure to be remembered for ever. Or at least until the next Scary Movie film comes out.
6) Dates and Quinces: The Movie
Few films have excited food lovers as much as this one, adapted from the yet-to-be-developed website of the same name. Salma Hayek stars as Alyson, a sassy cook who is determined to explore the food of a different culture at least once every month. However, an evil plan to steal the world's supply of garlic and cumin means that Alyson must battle robots made of butter and big yam monsters. A triumph.
7) Three Men and a Baby Whale
Last May, everyone was talking about the reunion everyone was talking about. Steve Guttenburg, Tom Selleck and Sam from Cheers were brought back together for the high-octane tear-jerker, Three Men and a Baby Whale. Who'd have thought the film would have bested its predecessors in every way possible? But if you thought that the three men struggled with the baby and the little lady, you had an absolute treat watching them struggle to raise a baby whale! Incidentally, check out the DVD (out later this year) which promises to feature special deleted scenes, including the tragic death of Guttenburg, squashed by his aquatic co-star in a stunt gone awry.
8) TVgoHome: The Movie
Charlie Brooker's scathing attack on mainstream television was brought to the big screen this year, with Jude Law playing the vitriolic writer. All your favourite characters from the website are rendered well (with the exception of Nathan Barley who had to be omitted for copyright reasons), and the scenes from Widdleplop Farm are quite disgusting. After the disappointment that was TheOnion: TheMovie, TVgoHome: The Movie was a breath of fresh air.
9) Project Dambusters
Another classic black and white film got the remake treatment this year. The Dambusters was a popular World War 2 film about a scientist who invents a bouncing bomb for destroying German Dams. In this version, set in modern day America, George Clooney plays a scientist who solves global warming by inventing a bouncing chicken. Some parts of the film are fairly indecipherable, but that's okay because George Clooney is DREAMY.
10) The Splendid Contraption
Of all the children's films released this year, only one of them didn't suck. That was The Splendid Contraption, our tenth best film of the year. The film, starring Agnes Moorehead and Jessica Fletcher involves a most wondrous machine. You could say it was a incredibly tremendous creation! Why, it was a zim-zam-zoomous contraption! Huzzah! Fun for all the family! Also starring Jenna Jameson and Masuimi Max.
1) James Bond and the Shadow of the Colossus
The best film by far was the new James Bond film, which came out in September. Based on the popular video game, Shadow of the Colossus, Bond is sent to a desert by Q as MI5 believe there is a terrorist cell training there. Instead he uncovers a series of giant monsters whom he must fight using magnetic pens and bomb-laden watches before saving the girl and driving around in an invisible flying car. Willem Dafoe is excellent as the main monster boss baddie.
2) The Quintessence of Despair
Apparently this period drama was conceived, written, filmed and acted with the sole intention of winning every single Oscar available. This goes some way to explaining how good the film is (The 30 minute 'weeping' scene was particularly moving), but it also explains why half of the film is animated and why Maria, the destitute beauty in love with a nobleman, is played by a CGI-generated dinosaur. In the end, the only Oscar that this film didn't win was best supporting actress, which was won by Meryl Streep in another film.
3) Stephen King's Planet of the Stephen Kings
The best horror film of the year had to be this one, in which Madchen (Twin Peaks) Amick and Mark-Paul (Saved by the Bell) Gosselaar wake to find themselves on a parallel Earth which is populated by millions of bespectacled best-selling horror writers. Apparently the story is based on the writer's view of what an ideal, Utopian Earth would look like. Either way, this is a great film, especially with the brilliant twist ending (it's all a practical joke).
4) Dptinh
The best foreign film of the year was Dptinh, a Latvian film about a spring. Starring Nsfvhrn Smivk and Higb-Paul Hoddrlsst, the story follows two people's quest to find a spring that they lost as children. The cinematography of this picture was enough to win several awards, some of them good ones.
5) Dude, I Saw Your Mom Naked
The highest-grossing comedy ever (in more ways than one!), Dude, I Saw Your Mom Naked has everything that a good film should have. Laughs, laughs, laughs and some vomit. Directed by Kenneth Branagh and featuring an all-star cast including Emma Thompson, Sir John Gielgud, James-Earl Jones, Lori Petty and Robert DeNiro, this chuckle-filled gross-fest is sure to be remembered for ever. Or at least until the next Scary Movie film comes out.
6) Dates and Quinces: The Movie
Few films have excited food lovers as much as this one, adapted from the yet-to-be-developed website of the same name. Salma Hayek stars as Alyson, a sassy cook who is determined to explore the food of a different culture at least once every month. However, an evil plan to steal the world's supply of garlic and cumin means that Alyson must battle robots made of butter and big yam monsters. A triumph.
7) Three Men and a Baby Whale
Last May, everyone was talking about the reunion everyone was talking about. Steve Guttenburg, Tom Selleck and Sam from Cheers were brought back together for the high-octane tear-jerker, Three Men and a Baby Whale. Who'd have thought the film would have bested its predecessors in every way possible? But if you thought that the three men struggled with the baby and the little lady, you had an absolute treat watching them struggle to raise a baby whale! Incidentally, check out the DVD (out later this year) which promises to feature special deleted scenes, including the tragic death of Guttenburg, squashed by his aquatic co-star in a stunt gone awry.
8) TVgoHome: The Movie
Charlie Brooker's scathing attack on mainstream television was brought to the big screen this year, with Jude Law playing the vitriolic writer. All your favourite characters from the website are rendered well (with the exception of Nathan Barley who had to be omitted for copyright reasons), and the scenes from Widdleplop Farm are quite disgusting. After the disappointment that was TheOnion: TheMovie, TVgoHome: The Movie was a breath of fresh air.
9) Project Dambusters
Another classic black and white film got the remake treatment this year. The Dambusters was a popular World War 2 film about a scientist who invents a bouncing bomb for destroying German Dams. In this version, set in modern day America, George Clooney plays a scientist who solves global warming by inventing a bouncing chicken. Some parts of the film are fairly indecipherable, but that's okay because George Clooney is DREAMY.
10) The Splendid Contraption
Of all the children's films released this year, only one of them didn't suck. That was The Splendid Contraption, our tenth best film of the year. The film, starring Agnes Moorehead and Jessica Fletcher involves a most wondrous machine. You could say it was a incredibly tremendous creation! Why, it was a zim-zam-zoomous contraption! Huzzah! Fun for all the family! Also starring Jenna Jameson and Masuimi Max.
Friday, 14 September 2007
Film Review - Evil Blood II: The Hurtening
The latest directoral masterpiece from Ang Lee (Brokeback Mountain, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon) comes just in time for Hallowe'en. Evil Blood II: The Hurtening is the sequel to the popular 2002 horror film in which Eliza Dushku and Sean William Scott were chased around an abandoned quarry by a ghostly quantity surveyor. This film, set three years after the events in the prequel, sees the quarry once again possessed by the spirits of the damned, but this time they mean business!
And what business they do! Lee's fine direction brings a wonderfully thrilling sense of aesthetic pleasure to the many death scenes. The garroting and facial slicing of one character is particularly gruesome, but with Lee's keen eye for colour the blood, puke and eye fluid have a gloriously vivid beauty. The settings, too, are stunning; in the wrong hands a cabin full of pig carcasses and human corpses stuffed with offal could look grotesque and unpleasant. But in The Hurtening this building is rendered with such feeling, such sensitivity, that it is almost chapel-like in its gothic beauty.
Lee's talents don't end there. He has managed to wrangle the most moving performances from his cast. Dame Judy Dench, for example, is simply remarkable in the role of Brenda. I really did believe that she was a high-school dropout caught between the whims of her parents and the desire for rebellion. Also, the role of Sherrif Bick was perfect for John Hurt, who can convey so much disbelief in the stories of children with a simple gravelly expression. Dame Thora Hird also shines as the evil ghosts' leader.
The story itself is rich with allegory and laden with hidden meaning. Ostensibly a tribute to the works of Luis Brunel and Ray Harryhausen, there are too many different interpretations in each stab wound and red-hot poker through the stomach to mention here. There's also a subtle nod in the direction of the US government in the form of a brief side plot in which a load of soldiers attack a foreign country and get their arses kicked by a load of terrorists.
To summarize then, Evil Blood II: The Hurtening is another glorious entry into the annals of cinema, all made possible by the genius of Ang Lee. I await his next picture - a live-action adaptation of the Thundercats cartoon - with bated breath.
Evil Blood II: The Hurtening opens on October 19th in several cinemas in London and fuck all else. Ang Lee will be appearing at an in-store tit signing in HMV, Great Yarmouth on the 21st.
And what business they do! Lee's fine direction brings a wonderfully thrilling sense of aesthetic pleasure to the many death scenes. The garroting and facial slicing of one character is particularly gruesome, but with Lee's keen eye for colour the blood, puke and eye fluid have a gloriously vivid beauty. The settings, too, are stunning; in the wrong hands a cabin full of pig carcasses and human corpses stuffed with offal could look grotesque and unpleasant. But in The Hurtening this building is rendered with such feeling, such sensitivity, that it is almost chapel-like in its gothic beauty.
Lee's talents don't end there. He has managed to wrangle the most moving performances from his cast. Dame Judy Dench, for example, is simply remarkable in the role of Brenda. I really did believe that she was a high-school dropout caught between the whims of her parents and the desire for rebellion. Also, the role of Sherrif Bick was perfect for John Hurt, who can convey so much disbelief in the stories of children with a simple gravelly expression. Dame Thora Hird also shines as the evil ghosts' leader.
The story itself is rich with allegory and laden with hidden meaning. Ostensibly a tribute to the works of Luis Brunel and Ray Harryhausen, there are too many different interpretations in each stab wound and red-hot poker through the stomach to mention here. There's also a subtle nod in the direction of the US government in the form of a brief side plot in which a load of soldiers attack a foreign country and get their arses kicked by a load of terrorists.
To summarize then, Evil Blood II: The Hurtening is another glorious entry into the annals of cinema, all made possible by the genius of Ang Lee. I await his next picture - a live-action adaptation of the Thundercats cartoon - with bated breath.
Evil Blood II: The Hurtening opens on October 19th in several cinemas in London and fuck all else. Ang Lee will be appearing at an in-store tit signing in HMV, Great Yarmouth on the 21st.
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