Drop everything. Put down that piece of pie and read this. For I have spent the last four months doing nothing but watch every single film from the last ten years, whittling the whole lot down into one easily digested list and it would be imbecilic not to enjoy the fruits of my hard work and labours.
After 119 days in a darkened room with nothing but a television and DVD player for company, I give you: The Essential Films of the Noughties.
10: James Bond and the Chocolate Factory (2009)
Daniel Craig’s third outing as the eponymous secret agent saw him infiltrate the secret lair of a shady businessman (Johnny Depp) who was producing addictive confectionary. This film had even more midgets than its predecessors, and plenty of daft weaponry to keep the hardest Bond-nuts happy. Who could forget the chocolate-riverboat chase scene? I can’t wait for the sequel, James Bond and the Great Glass Elevator.
9: Disney’s The Little Racist (2001)
Both thought-provoking and fun, this story of a bigoted earthworm in a world full of biodiversity was a surprise hit for the up and coming animation studio.
8: Meet the Pschitt-Fockers (2005)
While some critics moaned that the franchise was losing its way, this sequel to the popular comedies Meet the Parents and Meet the Fockers saw the cast visiting the extended family in Europe. Ben Stiller and Bob De Niro reprise their old roles, with new appearances from Philip Seymour Hoffman as Handfulla Pschitt-Focker and Amy Poehler as Pschittypschittyarsecrapboobstwatpissypissyswearwordsarefunny Pschitt-Focker.
7: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Doing Lots of Things that You Wouldn’t Expect Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to do (2008)
Ho ho ho! This family film was lots of fun, as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) did lots of things you wouldn’t expect him to do, like walk on a tightrope while carrying a baby, dress up as a girl with full make-up and hang-glide off a mountain while singing Mmmbop by Hanson.
6: Utility Knife (2007)
When Blake Twitshelf (David Chunderbung) wakes up chained to a rock in a strange room with nothing but a utility knife and a CD player blaring Billy Joel, he realises that he has become the unwitting participant in a twisted game. Does he have what it takes to cut his own ears off before he goes insane? Grisly but gripping.
5: Whatever Happened to Three Men and a Baby Jane? (2002)
This psychological thriller sees Tom Selleck, Sam from Cheers and Cory Haim (replacing sadly deceased original cast member Steve Guttenberg) confined to a house after a car accident. They depend on their sister, played by the shambling corpse of Bette Davis, who is abusive towards them and makes them eat rats. I liked this film because it’s always nice to see Tom Selleck in extreme discomfort.
4: Gaping Muff-Chutes 4 (2007)
Say what you like about this film, but I really liked it.
3: Twenty-Seven People Whose Lives are Quite Independent but who are Brought Together by a Random Event that Prompts them to See the Similarities Between Themselves (2004)
For much of this film I was quite confused as to why I was being made to watch these people with their independent lives going about their aforementioned independent lives in totally independent ways. But then when the random event occurs, I could see that they were all fated to meet and holy shit that totally blew my mind, bro. Starring a veritable Benetton commercial of B-list actors.
2: Wotcha Cockney Knees-Up on the Old Apples an’ Pears wiv the Old Joanna, Innit? (2002)
While some critics dismissed Guy Ritchie as a one-trick-pony, the director himself proved them wrong with an entertaining crime caper set in Lahndahn wiv real Lahndahners, innit. Sir Georgeington Douglas-Smeltsbridge starred as Bob “Shifty Bricks” Jones while Lord Asquith Givenchy-DeGoosehelmet co-starred as Ebenezer “The Geezer” Beezer. The dialogue was fresh as a butcher’s hat while the action scenes kicked more arse than a parrotful of donkeys.
1: Creationism: The Musical (2005)
No film typified the return of the musical genre than this, the inspirational tale of a group of people unfettered by logic, reasoning and good sense. While ostensibly a love story at heart, this film captures hatred in a way no other film ever has; hatred for gay people, for women, for poor people, for racial minorities, for people living in other countries, for anyone other than themselves and for themselves. And what musical numbers! Everyone was singing the wonderful songs such as I Can Shout Louder than You (So I Must Be Right), He May Be an Obese Drug Addict But I’ll Still Love Him in a Totally Non-Gay Way and Who Would Jesus Hate?
Showing posts with label films of the year. Show all posts
Showing posts with label films of the year. Show all posts
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
Saturday, 27 December 2008
Films of the Year, 2009
Let’s face it, 2009 was an awful year for movies. Hardly anything good came out. The multitudes flocked, sheeplike, in their millions to see utter tripe. More than once, I was moved to vomit by the cinematic felchmess on the big screen. Many of the films I saw this year were so bad that I walked out of the cinema after just a few minutes, telling the establishment’s owner what I thought of their ‘entertainment’ with a well-thrown bag of excrement.
But in this rough year, some diamonds shone through. And while it’s easy to gripe about such shitefests as Satirical Movie, a satire of those awful, churned-out-by-the-dozen-and-guest-starring-Carmen-Electra satire movies like Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie, it’ll probably be better for my health to count down the few films that didn’t make me weep like a small child with no elbows. So let’s do it to it.
1: Three Men and Two and a Half Men and the Man in the Iron Mask and Five Children and It and It
After the huge runaway success of Three Men and Two and a Half Men earlier in the year, a big-budget sequel was quickly made, featuring Tom Selleck, Sam from Cheers and Corey Haim reunited with Charlie Sheen, the Fat Kid and His Ugly Dad. Together they travel to 17th Century France, rescue a mysterious imprisoned man, and save some Victorian children and a wish-granting pixie from a scary clown. This film had everything, and everyone I know who saw it was speechless for five days afterwards.
2: Moonlit Dusk
This heart-warming tale of a schoolgirl’s relationship with an undead werewolf was a huge hit with promise ring-wearing Jonas Brothers fans and hirsute paedophiles alike. Some liked it for the excitement, some for the romance; I liked it for the bit at the end when he eats her in a blood-crazed rage.
3: The Man Who Cried
My third favourite film of the year was sentimental weepie The Man Who Cried. In the course of 110 minutes, John Steward (played by John Actor) loses his lover, his dog, his parents, his son, his way to the funerals, his mind, his favourite tie, his keys, his ATM PIN, the use of his legs and his brother’s sundial. He cries. A lot. And so will you.
4: The Christmas Presence
A haunted Christmas tree terrorises two young parents (Jennifer Connelly and Mark Wahlburg) in this seasonal horror film. While the film itself wasn’t particularly good, it did win me the complete Monty Python DVD box set.
5: Ducks in a Bus
The animation of the year was this brilliantly funny film, which provides fun for all the family, except possibly Uncle Jim, who doesn’t really like this sort of thing. Four ducks (probably voiced by Jack Black, that fat one from Knocked Up, someone else currently de rigour and Ellen), find themselves in a bus. What will they do?
6: La Maison du Patrinibopp
A dead cert for best foreign film at next year’s Oscars, this French effort has weeping nuns, a prostitute with a heart of gold, a pair of men obsessed with the sound of their own farts and a whole lot of onion-scented loss and despair with glorious undercurrents. This film didn’t make a lick of sense.
7: CGI Man 2: The Explosioning
Fans of the first CGI Man film were not let down by the sequel, which featured explosions, bangs, big fights, shiny things, lights, loud noises, midriffs, and a hey! Look at that! It’s a funny dog! Look, it’s chasing his own tail! Ha ha ha ha silly dog! Where was I?
8: He-Man and the Masters of the Universe Battle the Guy with the Really Loud iPod on the Subway
Prince Adam of Eternia, along with his cohorts Teela, Man-at-Arms, Orko and the Sorceress find themselves pitted in mortal combat with a bloke playing Rhianna far too loud on the Bloor-Danforth subway line. Chilling and, ultimately, cathartic.
9: Pregnant Teenage Bride Wars
Combining two of the most bankable assets that Hollywood currently offers – Pregnant teens and Kate Hudson – this film is full of laughs from start to finish, except for a brief chuckle-free section around minutes 63 to 65.
10: The Imaginary Review Movie
Sadly overlooked by both critics and the idiot general viewing public, this film was a tour of force, with brilliant performances from the cast, especially the lead actor (I. Reviewer). The story, revolving around one man’s quest to rid the world of evil local listings magazines who don’t reply to well-written and neatly-typed letters, is excellent, and the soundtrack is also very nice. I loved this film.
But in this rough year, some diamonds shone through. And while it’s easy to gripe about such shitefests as Satirical Movie, a satire of those awful, churned-out-by-the-dozen-and-guest-starring-Carmen-Electra satire movies like Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie, it’ll probably be better for my health to count down the few films that didn’t make me weep like a small child with no elbows. So let’s do it to it.
1: Three Men and Two and a Half Men and the Man in the Iron Mask and Five Children and It and It
After the huge runaway success of Three Men and Two and a Half Men earlier in the year, a big-budget sequel was quickly made, featuring Tom Selleck, Sam from Cheers and Corey Haim reunited with Charlie Sheen, the Fat Kid and His Ugly Dad. Together they travel to 17th Century France, rescue a mysterious imprisoned man, and save some Victorian children and a wish-granting pixie from a scary clown. This film had everything, and everyone I know who saw it was speechless for five days afterwards.
2: Moonlit Dusk
This heart-warming tale of a schoolgirl’s relationship with an undead werewolf was a huge hit with promise ring-wearing Jonas Brothers fans and hirsute paedophiles alike. Some liked it for the excitement, some for the romance; I liked it for the bit at the end when he eats her in a blood-crazed rage.
3: The Man Who Cried
My third favourite film of the year was sentimental weepie The Man Who Cried. In the course of 110 minutes, John Steward (played by John Actor) loses his lover, his dog, his parents, his son, his way to the funerals, his mind, his favourite tie, his keys, his ATM PIN, the use of his legs and his brother’s sundial. He cries. A lot. And so will you.
4: The Christmas Presence
A haunted Christmas tree terrorises two young parents (Jennifer Connelly and Mark Wahlburg) in this seasonal horror film. While the film itself wasn’t particularly good, it did win me the complete Monty Python DVD box set.
5: Ducks in a Bus
The animation of the year was this brilliantly funny film, which provides fun for all the family, except possibly Uncle Jim, who doesn’t really like this sort of thing. Four ducks (probably voiced by Jack Black, that fat one from Knocked Up, someone else currently de rigour and Ellen), find themselves in a bus. What will they do?
6: La Maison du Patrinibopp
A dead cert for best foreign film at next year’s Oscars, this French effort has weeping nuns, a prostitute with a heart of gold, a pair of men obsessed with the sound of their own farts and a whole lot of onion-scented loss and despair with glorious undercurrents. This film didn’t make a lick of sense.
7: CGI Man 2: The Explosioning
Fans of the first CGI Man film were not let down by the sequel, which featured explosions, bangs, big fights, shiny things, lights, loud noises, midriffs, and a hey! Look at that! It’s a funny dog! Look, it’s chasing his own tail! Ha ha ha ha silly dog! Where was I?
8: He-Man and the Masters of the Universe Battle the Guy with the Really Loud iPod on the Subway
Prince Adam of Eternia, along with his cohorts Teela, Man-at-Arms, Orko and the Sorceress find themselves pitted in mortal combat with a bloke playing Rhianna far too loud on the Bloor-Danforth subway line. Chilling and, ultimately, cathartic.
9: Pregnant Teenage Bride Wars
Combining two of the most bankable assets that Hollywood currently offers – Pregnant teens and Kate Hudson – this film is full of laughs from start to finish, except for a brief chuckle-free section around minutes 63 to 65.
10: The Imaginary Review Movie
Sadly overlooked by both critics and the idiot general viewing public, this film was a tour of force, with brilliant performances from the cast, especially the lead actor (I. Reviewer). The story, revolving around one man’s quest to rid the world of evil local listings magazines who don’t reply to well-written and neatly-typed letters, is excellent, and the soundtrack is also very nice. I loved this film.
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