The Last Few Weeks in Review

I’m sure you’ll all agree that the period of time including the month of November and the beginning of December 2009 has been one of the most creative, side-splitting and intellectually verdant of the Imaginary Review’s history. Indeed, not since this blog began, more than two years ago, has there been a period containing as many well-written and interesting reviews of the calibre of those of the last few weeks.

For that reason, then, I think you’ll forgive me for indulging myself in a bout of recent nostalgia and self appreciation.

At the beginning of November I reviewed a batch of music merchandise that I had been sent in the past. Readers will recall my excellent analysis of the Rhianna-branded umbrella, which was “quite nice to look at, but quite useless for its intended purpose of rain-hindrance, given that it is made of fishnet stockings.” I was more complimentary towards the Jonas Brothers Acne Cream which, when applied to the face and neck, gave me a “tingly feeling not unlike that of realising one is reaching the apex of puberty.” My favourite comment on this post was by new reader Andrew, who said “I don’t get it, is this real, lol”.

An analysis of the latest reality TV shows came next, and I looked at programmes like Neck Swap, Pimp my Kidney and America’s Next Top Public Defecator. My favourite was What? You Think You Can Dance? Yeah Right. Prove It. No, Go On. Prove It. Dance For Me. Dance For Me. No, Dance For Me. See, You Won’t, Because You Can’t Dance, You Liar. In the review I said that “the ultra-aggressive attitude of the judges is refreshing to see, and many a hopeful contestant has been reduced to tears before even reaching the stage. The fact that many of the people trying out are as young as eight only adds to the pleasure.”

In that post, I didn’t reply to all of the comments I received, so I will attempt to fix that here, with some personal replies.
Mr London Street: You can, but you have to remove the false moustache first, otherwise they may take a swipe at your face.
Katrocket: I agree with you in principle, but I think the probability of seven people all falling into the trap at once is a little unlikely.
Beckeye: You’re wrong; I’ve never been to Norway.

My next review, of the new Cirque Du Soleil show Guttenberg (which chronicles the life of the popular actor from his appearance in the Police Academy films to his tragic death while filming 3 Men and a Baby Whale) contained one of the finest sentences ever written in the English language: “If I ever see another stilt-walking clown attempt to do handstands on a high wire again, I’ll saw all his limbs off.” I have been contacted by the Oxford English Dictionary people, who want to put it in the new edition as a definition of “Brilliance”.

Last week I reviewed the new romantic comedies for the holiday season, such as Colin Firth’s The Awkwardly Uptight Englishman Who Falls For a Fast-Talking American Girl and Has to Meet her Family at Christmas with Hilarious Results. My favourite part of this movie was when Firth stutters a lot and looks awkward while his girlfriend (Jennifer Garner) shows new facets to her personality when in her home setting. Also recommended in this post was the new Sarah Jessica Parker/Matthew Broderick film, The Man Who Married a Horse.

Finally, to respond to some personal emails I received regarding these posts, I would like to say the following:

Yes, I’d love to mention Tungsten Steel Wedding Bands in my blog, because they’re both stylish and durable.
I keep telling you: I’m married, and so are you.
You know the one! Of course you do! It’s the one that goes “Na na na na naaaar…na na na na nuuuuuur!” Don’t tell me you don’t recognise that!

Coming soon I shall be counting down some of my highlights of the last decade, as is customary towards the end of years that end with a '9'.

Finally, I’d like to remind everyone that it’s not too late to vote for me as Blogger of the Year in the Annual Drysdale Awards. If you haven’t already done so, I’d be very happy if you’d show your support, even if other people have been cheating.

Last Week’s Guest Post: Reviewed!

Thanks again to PMJG for his great guest post last week. I’m sure you’ll agree that he did an excellent job of reviewing That Which Does Not Exist, but let’s have a look at his review in more detail.

One thing that struck me about the review was his strict adherence to the first rule of reviewing, namely the “beginning-middle-end” law. The beginning of the review was located squarely at the start of the piece, in accordance with the guidelines set out by the International Imaginary Review Control Committee. The end of the review occurred at the end, and the middle was located between the two. PMJG decided to mix things up a little bit with regard to the middle section, however, splitting it up and adding a second beginning and a pseudo-end/middle-amalgamation (known in the trade as a ‘gutwrench’) between the fourth and fifth semicolons. This is a difficult move to pull off, but I think he succeeded.

Nothing shouts “amateur” more than an incorrectly parsed diphthong, and I believe PMJG was successful in avoiding this elementary mistake.

If I have one qualm with the vocabulary of this review, it’s that a little more time could have been spent including the words ‘parsimonious’ and ‘happenstance’. Every review should contain these words, as well as ‘qualm’, which I used in the previous sentence.

One advanced technique often seen by reviewers of things that don’t exist is the flat-back d-line cusp return, in which the proto-assessment is interrupted by a distempered quality-endowment reflection of the backhand scrutinisation manifold. This is a terrible technique and I hate it more than I hate liquorice. Thankfully PMJG avoided it like I avoid that man who lives down my street and always seems to wear the same pair of pants.

PMJG’s review was certainly bold, with subtle tannins and balsamic undertones. It had overtures of carbuncle and spatchcock, and for my money would be great when paired with a pasta dish or something containing raisins.

PMJG is available for the reviewing of Glenn Madeiros songs, TV shows broadcast between 7:00 and 8:00 (both am and pm) and films beginning with ‘Y’ or ‘W’ (but not the film ‘W’ as that’s a bit much, really).