New Computer Software Reviews

Computers are becoming an integral part of our lives, whether for booking hotel reservations, compiling lists of our most memorable self-love sessions or stealing music. Every day, loads of new software is being developed by human beings who are, for the most part, just like you and me, only they get less sun. I’ve been installing, defragging and gigabiting two of the latest utilities for your PC (or, if you’re a bit swish, Mac).

Chat-Room Acronym Accuracy Protector (CRAAP) from Bug-Byte Software is a great tool for parents and anyone who is afraid they may be turning into a twat. Running permanently in the background of your computer, CRAAP activates when you type words such as, for example, “LOL”. Using advanced voice-recognition software and a microphone, it then determines whether you are actually laughing out loud; if you are not, you receive an electric shock via your mouse. Typing “ROFL” while not actually rolling on the floor laughing prompts the software to give you an electric shock large enough to make you roll on the floor in pain.

I really enjoyed using this software, as the constant fear of shocks has given me and my family a Pavlovian aversion to text and chat-room speak. Watching my son Monty writhe on the floor during a game of Counter Strike gave me such a buzz, knowing that his vocabulary wasn’t going to suffer any more. The buzz that Monty received wasn’t as pleasant.

CRAAP v 2.1 will be released next year. It will have an optional LOLCATS add-on and will render anyone who says “WTF” out loud sterile using radiation.

Cameron Diaz Software have just finished beta-testing their MS Office Paperclip Toolbox Helper. Microsoft Word aficionados will have a lot of fun with this kit. Once the program is installed, the Office Helper becomes even more helpful and interactive. According to the programmers, with their software the Paperclip will now have an IQ of 14, up from [negligible], an increase of almost infinity.

To test the software, I began typing a letter, beginning with the phrase “By the time you read this letter, I will be dead.” Almost instantaneously, the paperclip popped up and told me that it looked like I was writing a suicide note, and asked if I needed any help. When I clicked ‘yes’ the little bastard started calling me worthless and telling me that “they’d all be better off” without me. To be honest, this wasn’t the help I was looking for, though had I been truly suicidal I probably really would have topped myself.

While typing out a shopping list, the Paperclip offered his help, and when I accepted he told me that I was almost out of soy milk. This is an invaluable aid to future MS Word-assisted shopping lists, and I don’t know how I managed to write them out before! I probably had to examine the contents of my kitchen, but who has time for that, these days?

The best feature of the software, however, is the one that allows you to torture the Office Assistant to death. For many Word users, simply switching off the Paperclip (or Einstein, Dog, Cat, etc) is somewhat lacking in satisfaction. The MSOPTH has literally hundreds of painful and terrifying punishments for the Office Assistants, with the option of killing them and preventing them from ever coming back. My favourites include the garroting, burning at the stake (Einstein’s screams for mercy really brightened my morning) and death by falling Rosie O’Donnell. Superb. My only concern was that there aren’t enough Office Assistants to torture!

Both of these programs are available from their respective websites for a fee, or for free if you lack scruples. If you like what you read here today, please consider giving me a donation by PayPal. Thank you.