The Imaginary Review Holiday Gift Review Series, Part 2: Presents for your Favourite Deity

The Holiday season can be a difficult time for deities, creation myth figureheads and invisible sky beings. With so many people paying attention to Christmas, a lot of religious icons feel understandably left out; add this to the Seasonal Affective Disorder and many of them can get quite upset during December. It’s not much better for Jesus, either. Sure, He’s getting all the attention, but with His birthday falling squarely on Christmas Day He can’t help but feel that He’s only getting half as many presents as all the other boys and girls in Heaven.

With this in mind, many of us dread the possibility of getting a God or Godlike figure as a recipient in a Secret Santa gift exchange. Just what does one get for the omnipotent and omniscient creator who has everything? The new Hives CD? Hardly (Though Shiva is said to be fond of the Scandinavian rockers, She probably has all their stuff already). Today I’ll talk you through some of the best new gift ideas for deities.

Despite being all-knowing and all-seeing, many Gods find it difficult to keep track of all Their creations. With so many humans, animals and inanimate objects to look after, it’s often difficult to remember who to smite and who to blind with the power of Your glory. That’s where the new Microsoft DeityBase comes in. It’s a special new database for creators of worlds, with files for humans (believers and non-believers), animals and even rocks and trees. There are hundreds of useful reports and queries, so one can tell easily how many gays are getting married each day, with handy pivot tables showing how many heterosexual marriages are being undermined as a result.

The best thing about MS DeityBase is that it is compatible with many other Microsoft Divinity Software applications, such as PowerSmite and Word (Omen Edition). Using the information held within DeityBase, it’s now easier than ever to command an unhinged loner to kill them, kill them all, kill them all with spoons!


We all know what happens when a God is offended. There are plagues, maidens are tricked into bestial relationships, and things can get very damp for everything not atop Mount Ararat. That’s why buying clothes for a deity is big no-no. The consequences of getting something unflattering or in the wrong size can be huge. So why risk buying apparel when you can get something much better: a wardrobe makeover with Hephabulus, God of Fashion and presenter of hit TV show How to Look Good Sacred?

Yes, for one day, Hephabulus will come to the deity of your choice’s house (or temple), throw out all those ghastly togas and robes, and help them choose some great new looks! Even a plus size supernatural entity (I’m looking at you, Buddha!) can find stylish new clothes with Hephabulus, so there’s no excuse!


Anyone looking for an awesome stocking stuffer for their favourite deity can do a lot worse than checking out fitforaGod.com, the new online gadget and gizmo store for Holy Beings. From ‘Wandering Jew’ GPS systems to Flying Spaghetti Monster plush toys, there’s something for every non-corporeal postulated Creator. My personal favourite is the Intelligent Design Space Monkey set: watch the little creatures grow before your eyes, then use your powers to make them evolve! (Irreducible complexity not included)

So there you have it. A wealth of gifts for the deity in your life, and not a Richard Dawkins book among them. Of course, if you’re really stuck, you could always sacrifice a sheep. Some Gods really go for that.

New Computer Software Reviews

Computers are becoming an integral part of our lives, whether for booking hotel reservations, compiling lists of our most memorable self-love sessions or stealing music. Every day, loads of new software is being developed by human beings who are, for the most part, just like you and me, only they get less sun. I’ve been installing, defragging and gigabiting two of the latest utilities for your PC (or, if you’re a bit swish, Mac).

Chat-Room Acronym Accuracy Protector (CRAAP) from Bug-Byte Software is a great tool for parents and anyone who is afraid they may be turning into a twat. Running permanently in the background of your computer, CRAAP activates when you type words such as, for example, “LOL”. Using advanced voice-recognition software and a microphone, it then determines whether you are actually laughing out loud; if you are not, you receive an electric shock via your mouse. Typing “ROFL” while not actually rolling on the floor laughing prompts the software to give you an electric shock large enough to make you roll on the floor in pain.

I really enjoyed using this software, as the constant fear of shocks has given me and my family a Pavlovian aversion to text and chat-room speak. Watching my son Monty writhe on the floor during a game of Counter Strike gave me such a buzz, knowing that his vocabulary wasn’t going to suffer any more. The buzz that Monty received wasn’t as pleasant.

CRAAP v 2.1 will be released next year. It will have an optional LOLCATS add-on and will render anyone who says “WTF” out loud sterile using radiation.

Cameron Diaz Software have just finished beta-testing their MS Office Paperclip Toolbox Helper. Microsoft Word aficionados will have a lot of fun with this kit. Once the program is installed, the Office Helper becomes even more helpful and interactive. According to the programmers, with their software the Paperclip will now have an IQ of 14, up from [negligible], an increase of almost infinity.

To test the software, I began typing a letter, beginning with the phrase “By the time you read this letter, I will be dead.” Almost instantaneously, the paperclip popped up and told me that it looked like I was writing a suicide note, and asked if I needed any help. When I clicked ‘yes’ the little bastard started calling me worthless and telling me that “they’d all be better off” without me. To be honest, this wasn’t the help I was looking for, though had I been truly suicidal I probably really would have topped myself.

While typing out a shopping list, the Paperclip offered his help, and when I accepted he told me that I was almost out of soy milk. This is an invaluable aid to future MS Word-assisted shopping lists, and I don’t know how I managed to write them out before! I probably had to examine the contents of my kitchen, but who has time for that, these days?

The best feature of the software, however, is the one that allows you to torture the Office Assistant to death. For many Word users, simply switching off the Paperclip (or Einstein, Dog, Cat, etc) is somewhat lacking in satisfaction. The MSOPTH has literally hundreds of painful and terrifying punishments for the Office Assistants, with the option of killing them and preventing them from ever coming back. My favourites include the garroting, burning at the stake (Einstein’s screams for mercy really brightened my morning) and death by falling Rosie O’Donnell. Superb. My only concern was that there aren’t enough Office Assistants to torture!

Both of these programs are available from their respective websites for a fee, or for free if you lack scruples. If you like what you read here today, please consider giving me a donation by PayPal. Thank you.

The 2007 International Public Safety Broadcast Festival

The 2006 International Public Safety Broadcast Festival only seems like it was twelve months ago. With that in mind, it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that the 2007 International Public Safety Broadcast Festival was recently held in Guelph. We sent one of reporters there to witness the carnage.

The broadcast that had everybody talking throughout the festival was the public hygiene warning created by Jessops Martin Advertising. The fifteen-second ad is designed to be shown before the movie in specially adapted cinemas. Various people are seen preparing food while a grim-sounding voice intones, ‘Not washing your hands before preparing food is like throwing blood over your children.’ The screen then goes dark and the voice says, ‘Do you want bloodied children?’. Two cannon then fire blood and animal entrails over the audience from each side of the cinema screen, ramming the point home. This ad received a standing ovation from the back four rows of the theatre.

No less shocking was the anti-obesity ad from the government of New Zealand. For two whole minutes a bully stares at the viewer from the screen while letting rip a barrage of weight-based insults. He then pushes a Mars Bar into the camera, squashing it. Apparently, since it started being shown on television in New Zealand, several thousand overweight Kiwis have cried themselves thinner.

The award for ‘Most Puzzling Ad at the Festival’ if there was one (and there isn’t, but that’s beside the point, if there was one, which there is), would go to the Simonon And On Advertising Company’s public service announcement, ‘Stay Away From Pylons’. The ad lasts for 25 seconds and features footage of two rabbits sitting in a field eating grass while a guitar plays a soothing tune. At the very end of the ad the campaign slogan ‘Stay Away From Pylons!’ flashes onscreen. Bizarre.

Other noteworthy campaigns include the Mexican anti-smoking measures in which random smoking members of the public are set on fire by mobs, the eye-catching 'Wet Paint’ signs printed by John Morris of the Red Lion Pub, Leicester, and Microsoft’s famed ad campaign in which a series of Apple computers explode, killing their owners and eventually destroying the world.

Gourmet Flour Round-Up

The latest craze that’s hardening the cocks of top chefs everywhere is gourmet flour. While it’s possible to make decent cakes and pastries using bog-standard supermarket self-raising or all-purpose, no self-respecting Michelin-starred cook would be seen dead with a bag of Hovis on their shelf. The Imaginary Review decided to give you the dilly-o on the newest bags of overpriced cookery powder.

Bratislavan Dilmouse Flour is available at the Shitfor Deli in Highgate. The Bratislavan dilmouse is a small shrew-like creature that secretes a fine powdery substance after coitus. This powder, believed to have magical properties, is gathered by children and added to flour and sold to idiots in overpriced shops. The flour, priced at £23.99 per cubit, has a slight tangy quality, like a collection of lemon rinds swimming for freedom in a castle moat made of Fanta. There’s an almost pungent aftertaste with inklings of peat, almond nuttiness and despair.

The Sennopod Bakery in Greater Mavisham has obtained a crate of Tinkerbell Plumrose Flour. Made in 1932 by the Microsoft Corporation (before they turned their attention to computers and evil), the antique flour has traces of black forest ham in the nose, with a swilling of aromatic rosemary on the tongue. When added to pastry, this flour makes sweet pies savoury, but not vice-versa. £210 per furlong.

Steven Denman’s Topical Yeast has nanobot-sized time capsules added to it. While not affecting the taste in any way, eating anything containing this yeast has the effect of causing feelings of nostalgia when it is pooed out. Two and ha’penny a bag, from Waitrose.

Fresh from South America, Columbian Sniffing Flour is available from a man who hangs around the end of my street. Adding this flour (in small quantities, mind!) to any food creates feelings of intense confidence and swirly glee. Thirty quid a bag.