Tuesday, 9 December 2008

The Imaginary Review Holiday Gift Review Series, Part 2: Presents for your Favourite Deity

The Holiday season can be a difficult time for deities, creation myth figureheads and invisible sky beings. With so many people paying attention to Christmas, a lot of religious icons feel understandably left out; add this to the Seasonal Affective Disorder and many of them can get quite upset during December. It’s not much better for Jesus, either. Sure, He’s getting all the attention, but with His birthday falling squarely on Christmas Day He can’t help but feel that He’s only getting half as many presents as all the other boys and girls in Heaven.



With this in mind, many of us dread the possibility of getting a God or Godlike figure as a recipient in a Secret Santa gift exchange. Just what does one get for the omnipotent and omniscient creator who has everything? The new Hives CD? Hardly (Though Shiva is said to be fond of the Scandinavian rockers, She probably has all their stuff already). Today I’ll talk you through some of the best new gift ideas for deities.

Despite being all-knowing and all-seeing, many Gods find it difficult to keep track of all Their creations. With so many humans, animals and inanimate objects to look after, it’s often difficult to remember who to smite and who to blind with the power of Your glory. That’s where the new Microsoft DeityBase comes in. It’s a special new database for creators of worlds, with files for humans (believers and non-believers), animals and even rocks and trees. There are hundreds of useful reports and queries, so one can tell easily how many gays are getting married each day, with handy pivot tables showing how many heterosexual marriages are being undermined as a result.

The best thing about MS DeityBase is that it is compatible with many other Microsoft Divinity Software applications, such as PowerSmite and Word (Omen Edition). Using the information held within DeityBase, it’s now easier than ever to command an unhinged loner to kill them, kill them all, kill them all with spoons!


We all know what happens when a God is offended. There are plagues, maidens are tricked into bestial relationships, and things can get very damp for everything not atop Mount Ararat. That’s why buying clothes for a deity is big no-no. The consequences of getting something unflattering or in the wrong size can be huge. So why risk buying apparel when you can get something much better: a wardrobe makeover with Hephabulus, God of Fashion and presenter of hit TV show How to Look Good Sacred?

Yes, for one day, Hephabulus will come to the deity of your choice’s house (or temple), throw out all those ghastly togas and robes, and help them choose some great new looks! Even a plus size supernatural entity (I’m looking at you, Buddha!) can find stylish new clothes with Hephabulus, so there’s no excuse!


Anyone looking for an awesome stocking stuffer for their favourite deity can do a lot worse than checking out fitforaGod.com, the new online gadget and gizmo store for Holy Beings. From ‘Wandering Jew’ GPS systems to Flying Spaghetti Monster plush toys, there’s something for every non-corporeal postulated Creator. My personal favourite is the Intelligent Design Space Monkey set: watch the little creatures grow before your eyes, then use your powers to make them evolve! (Irreducible complexity not included)

So there you have it. A wealth of gifts for the deity in your life, and not a Richard Dawkins book among them. Of course, if you’re really stuck, you could always sacrifice a sheep. Some Gods really go for that.

15 comments:

Dr Zibbs said...

That's a beautiful piece.

Suze said...

I'm off to the store right now for that sheep. Doesn't sound right does it?

red said...

Do I need Vista for DeityBase to work properly?

Some Guy said...

Brilliant as usual, TIR!

BeckEye said...

So, let's say a maiden enters into a bestial relationship of her own free will? Do you think that it's possible that God just tricked her to THINK it was her own free will? WELL? Is it possible? This is very important. Hypothetical, but important.

Susan said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Susan

http://www.car-insurance-choices.com

Paul Blanchard said...

I must say, I enjoy your blog.
I tried sacrificing a virgin to my volcano God, but I was arrested...

Grant Miller said...

God bless!

Mathdude said...

I don't know how you write these postings! Rock on dude!

Microsoft DeityBase!

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Zibbs: I painted it myself!

Suze: It doesn't sound right, no. Sheep come from fields, not stores....

Red: C'mon! Not even God can get Vista to work properly!

Some Guy: Many thanks!

Beckeye: I think it depends on the animal...is there something you want to share, hmm?

Susan: Glad to have you with us!

Paul: Thanks! It's political correctness gone mad...

Grant: And you.

Mathdude: Actually, it was 'How to Look Good Sacred' that tickled me the most, if I do say so myself.

Falwless said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Falwless

http://www.car-insurance-choices.com

Clippy Mat said...

Shiva is fond of Scandinavian rockers? like the ektorp from Ikea?
thanks for that tip.
;-))

katrocket said...

This is so brilliantly funny that I can't think of a comment. But perhaps you would you like to buy some auto insurance from me?

Distributorcap said...

is there a version for the MAC?

Susan said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Susan

http://www.car-insurance-choices.com