Wednesday, 3 December 2008

The Imaginary Review Holiday Gift Review Series, Part 1: Presents for your Favourite Drug Addict

With the festive season now approaching at breakneck speed, the need to buy presents is more pressing than a six ton steam iron. And while it’s easy to get fun, meaningful gifts for little Jimmy or Uncle Ted, what about the people who are a little harder to shop for? Well, have no fear! This Christmas, The Imaginary Reviewer has been investigating the best presents for those people in your life who are a little tricky to buy for. Today it’s Part 1, with everything you need for that special drug addict. Just follow my advice, and you too can spread seasonal cheer to the family smackhead!

One of the best presents this year is the new KraQ line of luxury crack pipes from Nematode Gifts. Available in a range of colours and styles, your druggie friend will be the envy of everyone at the pawn shop with the Thoroughbred model, which features streamlined sinew detailing on the bodywork. The Marquis model comes in a dignified steel grey colour, and has go-faster stripes for better intake capacity. My personal favourite, though, is the Sensationale, which is ribbed for her pleasure.

If you’re buying a gift for a junkie who is trying to quit, a great stocking filler is the Russian Roulette Smack Pack. Sold in an attractive wooden cigar case, this gift consists of six identical small needles, five of which contain a wonderful dose of the finest quality heroin, just waiting to be injected into a nearby arm, leg, neck or eyeball. The remaining needle, however, contains a potent poison that will give the injectee as painful a death as it is possible to imagine. But which one is it? Recovering addicts will have lots of itchy, shivering fun trying to resist the call of the Smack Pack. It’s also great fun at parties. Available from Harrods and Bob’s Quality Things Emporium.

Nothing says ‘class’ more than a good snort of cocaine. Unless, that is, it’s a good snort of cocaine using the new Cavendish-Thwakbulb Bone China Cocaine Snorting Contraption. Made from the finest bone china and with a handsome display case, this really does beat a rolled up banknote. Indeed, the people at Cavendish-Thwakbulb claim that snorting the white stuff with their contraption can prevent septum damage by a factor of several percentages. Oh, and it has a nice swirly pattern on it that goes ‘wheeeee’ when my eyes glide across the lines and lines and lines and lines and oh my God I just saw Scott Blackula like a magic eye picture did you see it did you see it did you see it?

Anyone who is looking to buy for a really finicky drug fiend could do a lot worse than getting one of the CIA’s new Laboratory Vouchers. Available in a range of denominations, the vouchers entitle the bearer to early access to whatever new and exciting population-suppressing drugs they create. It doesn’t matter if you’re neither poor nor an ethnic minority; whatever whacked-out addictive pillcrazy headmash the boffins at the CIA can come up with, you’ll get it first. Be the first in your neighbourhood to try the next crack, smack or magic monkey juice!

Well, if you can’t provide Christmas cheer for your favourite hopeless prescription-stealing meth poppet from that selection, you’re just not trying hard enough! [Insert ‘cold turkey/Christmas dinner’ joke here. Ha ha ah ha ha ha! Alternatively, just leave the punchline and let the idiots make up their own damn setup]

Next time: Stuck for a gift for that special deity or God figure? Look no further than The Imaginary Review!

11 comments:

red said...

Uncle Bob is gonna love the Russian Roulette Smack Pack! Thanks for the tip!

Suze said...

Finally, a list I can use to buy family gifts. You're the best!

Mathdude said...

I find empty cardboard boxes for them to sleep in make great Christmas presents. Course, you have to save up during the year.

BeckEye said...

Scott Blackula?? You're such a goof.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Is Scott Blackula like Bakula in black face? 'Cos I'd pay to see that.

Tony Spunk said...

Tony read 'laboratory vouchers' as 'lavatory vouchers' and was a tad confused for a second there, bro. Although really what could be more useful than lavatory vouchers because have you seen the lines at the Bellagio these days to take a dump?

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Red: Oh, Uncle Bob. Always on the horse.

Suze: No worries. Boxing Day ought to be interesting round your way!

Mathdude: Yeah, sometimes it's nice to treat them...

Beckeye: Admit it: you giggled.

Veg Ass: You bet it is!

Tony: If it's that bad for blokes, can you imagine what the ladies's are like?

whoissecretdubai said...

a humble request...(for anyone not allowing this post through--not spam--)

Anyone happen to know who Secret Dubai (the blogger: secretdubai.blogspot.com) is?

http://whoissecretdubai.blogspot.com/

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Secret Dubai: Yes, a very interesting point on the subject of Christmas presents for drug addicts, there. You certainly moved me with its poignancy. And I really will think twice before buying a new carpet.

Baron Schtoltheim Reinbach III said...

I'm a little disappointed you didn't provide anything for us users of Cake.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

BSRIII: It's a fucking disgrace.