The Imaginary Review Holiday Gift Review Series, Part 3: Presents for Someone on Fire

So I’ve been through the best presents for drug addicts and deities, and now you’re satisfied that you have the right gift for Brahma and troubled cousin Tarquin. “But, Mister Imaginary Reviewer, sir,” I hear you cry, “what about crazy Aunt Mavis? The one who is always ablaze with the fires of Hades? The one who resists all attempts at dousing? What can I get for her?” Well, you rascally young scamp, let me tell you.

People who are on fire tend to find things even harder around Christmas time. My own Uncle Norris spent over ten years burning like a bonfire, but he always said that the worst time was around Advent. The tree, the presents, shopping centre Santas: anything that he got too close to would go up in flames just like him, but with a more tragic air. That’s why it’s important to treat those of us less not-on-fire than us at Christmas.

A great gift for someone on fire is the latest self-help book by ‘Dr’ Phil McGraw, Incineration Nation: What to do if You’re on Fire. With a foreword by Travis Barker of Blink 182 and chapters such as ‘Overcoming the fear to ask for help (and a bucket of water)’ and ‘Hose yourself down metaphorically with praise and actually with water’, this book will give any walking inferno the courage to stand up and say “Yes! I am a human being, not just a human burning!” It also has a handy series of maps showing lakes, ponds, puddles and taps in North America.

Many people who find themselves being cremated before their time tend to forget about things like beautifying themselves and looking nice. Indeed, the single-minded desire to not be ablaze can make people omit many essential things from their daily routine. Moisturising, for example, is even more needed during times of being reduced to ashes; the skin can get so dry when the fire is removing all moisture from it. That’s why The Body Shop has released a special new skincare range for people who are being gutted by Lucifer’s kiss. The Sweet Relief facial mask could be just what a burning person needs to combat the effects of aging, daily wear and tear and, of course, being on fire. I tested the face mask on a burning bush, and it looked years younger after just a few minutes of use.

Nothing says ‘Christmas’ more than a humorous sweater, possibly with a reindeer on it. Of course, being on fire makes it very difficult to wear funny outerwear, so why not get a Kevlar Suit and paint it in festive colours? The added personal touch will surely go down a treat with your friend, loved one or resented offspring.

The latest CD by Casual Buttplug, Let us Burn Down the Orphanage With Our Love contains their top ten hit I’d Kiss You With Tongues (If I Wasn’t Afraid of Second Degree Burns). Given that the band only sing about spontaneous combustion, the record would be an ideal gift for music loving human pyres. Their music is a mix of ska, pop and frenzied screaming, so there’s something for everyone.

Finally, why not just get that special singeing someone as much water as possible in order to put out their fire? I’m just saying, it seems a bit sensible, that’s all.

The Imaginary Review Holiday Gift Review Series, Part 1: Presents for your Favourite Drug Addict

With the festive season now approaching at breakneck speed, the need to buy presents is more pressing than a six ton steam iron. And while it’s easy to get fun, meaningful gifts for little Jimmy or Uncle Ted, what about the people who are a little harder to shop for? Well, have no fear! This Christmas, The Imaginary Reviewer has been investigating the best presents for those people in your life who are a little tricky to buy for. Today it’s Part 1, with everything you need for that special drug addict. Just follow my advice, and you too can spread seasonal cheer to the family smackhead!

One of the best presents this year is the new KraQ line of luxury crack pipes from Nematode Gifts. Available in a range of colours and styles, your druggie friend will be the envy of everyone at the pawn shop with the Thoroughbred model, which features streamlined sinew detailing on the bodywork. The Marquis model comes in a dignified steel grey colour, and has go-faster stripes for better intake capacity. My personal favourite, though, is the Sensationale, which is ribbed for her pleasure.

If you’re buying a gift for a junkie who is trying to quit, a great stocking filler is the Russian Roulette Smack Pack. Sold in an attractive wooden cigar case, this gift consists of six identical small needles, five of which contain a wonderful dose of the finest quality heroin, just waiting to be injected into a nearby arm, leg, neck or eyeball. The remaining needle, however, contains a potent poison that will give the injectee as painful a death as it is possible to imagine. But which one is it? Recovering addicts will have lots of itchy, shivering fun trying to resist the call of the Smack Pack. It’s also great fun at parties. Available from Harrods and Bob’s Quality Things Emporium.

Nothing says ‘class’ more than a good snort of cocaine. Unless, that is, it’s a good snort of cocaine using the new Cavendish-Thwakbulb Bone China Cocaine Snorting Contraption. Made from the finest bone china and with a handsome display case, this really does beat a rolled up banknote. Indeed, the people at Cavendish-Thwakbulb claim that snorting the white stuff with their contraption can prevent septum damage by a factor of several percentages. Oh, and it has a nice swirly pattern on it that goes ‘wheeeee’ when my eyes glide across the lines and lines and lines and lines and oh my God I just saw Scott Blackula like a magic eye picture did you see it did you see it did you see it?

Anyone who is looking to buy for a really finicky drug fiend could do a lot worse than getting one of the CIA’s new Laboratory Vouchers. Available in a range of denominations, the vouchers entitle the bearer to early access to whatever new and exciting population-suppressing drugs they create. It doesn’t matter if you’re neither poor nor an ethnic minority; whatever whacked-out addictive pillcrazy headmash the boffins at the CIA can come up with, you’ll get it first. Be the first in your neighbourhood to try the next crack, smack or magic monkey juice!

Well, if you can’t provide Christmas cheer for your favourite hopeless prescription-stealing meth poppet from that selection, you’re just not trying hard enough! [Insert ‘cold turkey/Christmas dinner’ joke here. Ha ha ah ha ha ha! Alternatively, just leave the punchline and let the idiots make up their own damn setup]

Next time: Stuck for a gift for that special deity or God figure? Look no further than The Imaginary Review!