Special in-depth Chickenhat Round-up

Now that we are firmly entrenched in the holiday season like a puppy in quicksand, the average person will find their party attendance rising by a factor of at least plenty. Family get-togethers, New Year’s parties, work shindigs and soirees held by desperate religious organisations are just some of the possible evenings out that Christmas holds, and historically these have been terrible, depressing affairs.

But last year, a gap appeared in the clouds of holiday party boredom, and the sunlight shone through in the form of the hit party game, Chickenhat.

For people who spent the last 12 months in a womb, I will briefly explain. Chickenhat is a game like Pass the Parcel: while music plays, a circle of people pass a roast chicken from head to head. When the music stops, the person with the chicken on their head gets to take a piece and eat it. The game continues until no meat is left on the bird, and everyone is full of fowl.

Chickenhat was such a resounding success last year that greasy hair became a mark of pride for some people, and it was completely normal to see people in the street with drumsticks behind their ears. The game was an international success, with fans including the Pope, Ricky Martin and the King of Gambia, who now refuses to eat anything that hasn’t first sat on his head.

Flushed with the success of the Chickenhat phenomenon, many companies have released expansion packs and accessories for the game, which I will explore for you now.

Possibly the most eagerly awaited Chickenhat product is the Official Extended Rules System Book, created and released by the Official World Chickenhat League. Several dozen new variations are included in this guide, from the much-loved Welsh Lladdybhoy Chickenhat (in which the bird is filled with melted cheese) and the Swiss version (in which dropping the chicken from one’s head to the floor is punishable by expulsion from the game and stoning). I loved trying out these different rules, especially Speed Chickenhat, which uses the smaller Scots Dumpy breed for ultra-quick games. A word of warning, though: Combat Chickenhat is for experts only. My friends and attempted to play this variation in my living room, and while it was fun for a while, the game had to be suspended after several hundred pounds of damage was created and one competitor became pregnant. That aside, the plethora of new games to try out will brighten any Chickenhat aficionado’s day.

Travel Chickenhat has been released by MG Games for Chickenhatters on the go. I will admit, I can’t see the appeal of playing the game while in a car, ferry or plane, but addicts may well like it. All the essential accessories are included in this kit, including gizzard net and giblet dice. Plus there’s an adaptor for in-flight airplane meals, which is rubbish.

Warner Brothers have made an official Chickenhat Compilation Album, featuring songs to play while engaged in a poultry headwear party. With songs such as Got a Chicken on my Head (Yay!) by Miley Cyrus and Pullet Frenzy by Parson and the Noses, this is a great collection of music to play – stop – eat some chicken – play – stop – eat some chicken.

A quick warning now, to be wary of the many different non-official Chickenhat knockoffs out there. Grousehat, Goosehat, Swanhat and Toasthat are all vastly inferior games, with vague rules, poor equipment and – in the case of Swanhat – the danger of serious neck damage. Avoid.

Finally, Chickenhat: The Fowl Play Board Game is just as much fun as the original game, and allows anyone to play Chickenhat, even if they are unable to play the game proper due to, for example, having a pointy head. Players roll the dice and move their chicken around the ‘head-board’ (get it?), answering questions and riddles while simultaneously trying to avoid the Spaniard who is chasing the chickens around the board so he can put them in a pie. The figurines are extremely detailed, with majestic, regal chickens and a realistically evil Spaniard. This gave my friends and I hours of fun and a genuine distaste for continental Europeans. Of course, it doesn’t match up to the fun of having a real roast chicken on your head, but it’s close.

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The Imaginary Review Holiday Gift Review Series, Part 3: Presents for Someone on Fire

So I’ve been through the best presents for drug addicts and deities, and now you’re satisfied that you have the right gift for Brahma and troubled cousin Tarquin. “But, Mister Imaginary Reviewer, sir,” I hear you cry, “what about crazy Aunt Mavis? The one who is always ablaze with the fires of Hades? The one who resists all attempts at dousing? What can I get for her?” Well, you rascally young scamp, let me tell you.

People who are on fire tend to find things even harder around Christmas time. My own Uncle Norris spent over ten years burning like a bonfire, but he always said that the worst time was around Advent. The tree, the presents, shopping centre Santas: anything that he got too close to would go up in flames just like him, but with a more tragic air. That’s why it’s important to treat those of us less not-on-fire than us at Christmas.

A great gift for someone on fire is the latest self-help book by ‘Dr’ Phil McGraw, Incineration Nation: What to do if You’re on Fire. With a foreword by Travis Barker of Blink 182 and chapters such as ‘Overcoming the fear to ask for help (and a bucket of water)’ and ‘Hose yourself down metaphorically with praise and actually with water’, this book will give any walking inferno the courage to stand up and say “Yes! I am a human being, not just a human burning!” It also has a handy series of maps showing lakes, ponds, puddles and taps in North America.

Many people who find themselves being cremated before their time tend to forget about things like beautifying themselves and looking nice. Indeed, the single-minded desire to not be ablaze can make people omit many essential things from their daily routine. Moisturising, for example, is even more needed during times of being reduced to ashes; the skin can get so dry when the fire is removing all moisture from it. That’s why The Body Shop has released a special new skincare range for people who are being gutted by Lucifer’s kiss. The Sweet Relief facial mask could be just what a burning person needs to combat the effects of aging, daily wear and tear and, of course, being on fire. I tested the face mask on a burning bush, and it looked years younger after just a few minutes of use.

Nothing says ‘Christmas’ more than a humorous sweater, possibly with a reindeer on it. Of course, being on fire makes it very difficult to wear funny outerwear, so why not get a Kevlar Suit and paint it in festive colours? The added personal touch will surely go down a treat with your friend, loved one or resented offspring.

The latest CD by Casual Buttplug, Let us Burn Down the Orphanage With Our Love contains their top ten hit I’d Kiss You With Tongues (If I Wasn’t Afraid of Second Degree Burns). Given that the band only sing about spontaneous combustion, the record would be an ideal gift for music loving human pyres. Their music is a mix of ska, pop and frenzied screaming, so there’s something for everyone.

Finally, why not just get that special singeing someone as much water as possible in order to put out their fire? I’m just saying, it seems a bit sensible, that’s all.

The Imaginary Review Holiday Gift Review Series, Part 2: Presents for your Favourite Deity

The Holiday season can be a difficult time for deities, creation myth figureheads and invisible sky beings. With so many people paying attention to Christmas, a lot of religious icons feel understandably left out; add this to the Seasonal Affective Disorder and many of them can get quite upset during December. It’s not much better for Jesus, either. Sure, He’s getting all the attention, but with His birthday falling squarely on Christmas Day He can’t help but feel that He’s only getting half as many presents as all the other boys and girls in Heaven.

With this in mind, many of us dread the possibility of getting a God or Godlike figure as a recipient in a Secret Santa gift exchange. Just what does one get for the omnipotent and omniscient creator who has everything? The new Hives CD? Hardly (Though Shiva is said to be fond of the Scandinavian rockers, She probably has all their stuff already). Today I’ll talk you through some of the best new gift ideas for deities.

Despite being all-knowing and all-seeing, many Gods find it difficult to keep track of all Their creations. With so many humans, animals and inanimate objects to look after, it’s often difficult to remember who to smite and who to blind with the power of Your glory. That’s where the new Microsoft DeityBase comes in. It’s a special new database for creators of worlds, with files for humans (believers and non-believers), animals and even rocks and trees. There are hundreds of useful reports and queries, so one can tell easily how many gays are getting married each day, with handy pivot tables showing how many heterosexual marriages are being undermined as a result.

The best thing about MS DeityBase is that it is compatible with many other Microsoft Divinity Software applications, such as PowerSmite and Word (Omen Edition). Using the information held within DeityBase, it’s now easier than ever to command an unhinged loner to kill them, kill them all, kill them all with spoons!


We all know what happens when a God is offended. There are plagues, maidens are tricked into bestial relationships, and things can get very damp for everything not atop Mount Ararat. That’s why buying clothes for a deity is big no-no. The consequences of getting something unflattering or in the wrong size can be huge. So why risk buying apparel when you can get something much better: a wardrobe makeover with Hephabulus, God of Fashion and presenter of hit TV show How to Look Good Sacred?

Yes, for one day, Hephabulus will come to the deity of your choice’s house (or temple), throw out all those ghastly togas and robes, and help them choose some great new looks! Even a plus size supernatural entity (I’m looking at you, Buddha!) can find stylish new clothes with Hephabulus, so there’s no excuse!


Anyone looking for an awesome stocking stuffer for their favourite deity can do a lot worse than checking out fitforaGod.com, the new online gadget and gizmo store for Holy Beings. From ‘Wandering Jew’ GPS systems to Flying Spaghetti Monster plush toys, there’s something for every non-corporeal postulated Creator. My personal favourite is the Intelligent Design Space Monkey set: watch the little creatures grow before your eyes, then use your powers to make them evolve! (Irreducible complexity not included)

So there you have it. A wealth of gifts for the deity in your life, and not a Richard Dawkins book among them. Of course, if you’re really stuck, you could always sacrifice a sheep. Some Gods really go for that.

The Imaginary Review Holiday Gift Review Series, Part 1: Presents for your Favourite Drug Addict

With the festive season now approaching at breakneck speed, the need to buy presents is more pressing than a six ton steam iron. And while it’s easy to get fun, meaningful gifts for little Jimmy or Uncle Ted, what about the people who are a little harder to shop for? Well, have no fear! This Christmas, The Imaginary Reviewer has been investigating the best presents for those people in your life who are a little tricky to buy for. Today it’s Part 1, with everything you need for that special drug addict. Just follow my advice, and you too can spread seasonal cheer to the family smackhead!

One of the best presents this year is the new KraQ line of luxury crack pipes from Nematode Gifts. Available in a range of colours and styles, your druggie friend will be the envy of everyone at the pawn shop with the Thoroughbred model, which features streamlined sinew detailing on the bodywork. The Marquis model comes in a dignified steel grey colour, and has go-faster stripes for better intake capacity. My personal favourite, though, is the Sensationale, which is ribbed for her pleasure.

If you’re buying a gift for a junkie who is trying to quit, a great stocking filler is the Russian Roulette Smack Pack. Sold in an attractive wooden cigar case, this gift consists of six identical small needles, five of which contain a wonderful dose of the finest quality heroin, just waiting to be injected into a nearby arm, leg, neck or eyeball. The remaining needle, however, contains a potent poison that will give the injectee as painful a death as it is possible to imagine. But which one is it? Recovering addicts will have lots of itchy, shivering fun trying to resist the call of the Smack Pack. It’s also great fun at parties. Available from Harrods and Bob’s Quality Things Emporium.

Nothing says ‘class’ more than a good snort of cocaine. Unless, that is, it’s a good snort of cocaine using the new Cavendish-Thwakbulb Bone China Cocaine Snorting Contraption. Made from the finest bone china and with a handsome display case, this really does beat a rolled up banknote. Indeed, the people at Cavendish-Thwakbulb claim that snorting the white stuff with their contraption can prevent septum damage by a factor of several percentages. Oh, and it has a nice swirly pattern on it that goes ‘wheeeee’ when my eyes glide across the lines and lines and lines and lines and oh my God I just saw Scott Blackula like a magic eye picture did you see it did you see it did you see it?

Anyone who is looking to buy for a really finicky drug fiend could do a lot worse than getting one of the CIA’s new Laboratory Vouchers. Available in a range of denominations, the vouchers entitle the bearer to early access to whatever new and exciting population-suppressing drugs they create. It doesn’t matter if you’re neither poor nor an ethnic minority; whatever whacked-out addictive pillcrazy headmash the boffins at the CIA can come up with, you’ll get it first. Be the first in your neighbourhood to try the next crack, smack or magic monkey juice!

Well, if you can’t provide Christmas cheer for your favourite hopeless prescription-stealing meth poppet from that selection, you’re just not trying hard enough! [Insert ‘cold turkey/Christmas dinner’ joke here. Ha ha ah ha ha ha! Alternatively, just leave the punchline and let the idiots make up their own damn setup]

Next time: Stuck for a gift for that special deity or God figure? Look no further than The Imaginary Review!

New Toy Review: Baby Sweetcheeks

Christmas is approaching like an angry neighbour with a golf club, threatening to kill us if we don’t stop playing our German Hi-Octane Gabba Music at four a.m. As the temperature drops, children’s thoughts turn to running down the stairs on Christmas morning to see if jolly old Saint Nick has been to visit. And what could be more seasonal than having to explain to one’s bright-eyed children that Santa won’t be able to visit this year because Daddy lost his job and Mummy has to turn tricks in order to stop the house from being repossessed?

But for those of us unaffected by the recent economic shitslide, toy manufacturers are releasing some excellent new playthings to help us truly celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ (who died, for his sins).

One such new toy is Baby Sweetcheeks, a doll made by APL Toys. The company claim that this is the most realistic toy child ever created, a viewpoint with which I wholeheartedly agree. For a start, when buying this doll, the purchaser is not allowed to take it home from the store. Instead, the buyer pays for it, gives their home address to the cashier, and the doll is abandoned on their doorstep at a later date. When I got my special pre-release Baby Sweetcheeks doll in this manner it was very traumatic for my partner; she had no idea that a neonate would be delivered by this method, and she suspected for some time that I had fathered a bastard offspring that was now coming back to haunt me.

Baby Sweetcheeks is powered by some very advanced technology that means she must be fed on a regular basis, just like a real child. Failure to do this activates a small beacon in the toy, and APL employees will come and confiscate the doll from its owner. Obviously, this can be somewhat traumatic for a small child, but not as traumatic as the subsequent mock trial they are forced to endure, in which they are accused of neglecting their baby.

Thankfully, none of this happened to me while I possessed the toy, as I managed to bottle-feed it throughout the reviewing time. Incidentally, bottle-feeding is now the only way of feeding the Baby Sweetcheeks dolls; the prototype versions that could also be breastfed were shelved after an outcry from consumer groups, children’s charities and Mormons.

All of this should give you some idea of quite how realistic Baby Sweetcheeks is, while at the same time conveying how unpleasant that makes the toy. Add to that the crying: the incessant sobbing at night, during the day, before feeding, during feeding, after feeding, after taking it for its shots - and don’t get me started on that one - when out in the stroller…all like the sound of Hell itself emanating from a plastic child-shaped shell. Then, when one has recovered from this ear-splitting hellwail of Beelzebub, there’s the never ending stream of shit that pours forth from her prosthetic arse-hole. Seriously, this child spouts more crap than Bill O’Reilly. Oh, and if you’re worried that the bodily fluids end there, stop where you are: Shit. Piss. Vomit. It’s all there to ‘enjoy’.

So, in conclusion, while APL Toys are to be commended for developing such a realistic doll, they seem to have forgotten the most important aspect of toy ownership, and that is that the toy itself must be fun. Baby Sweetcheeks is so much like the real thing, nobody in their right mind is going to want it. It’s practically no different to having a baby of one’s own, and everybody knows that the best thing about babies is making them.

Baby Sweetcheeks, made by the Abstinence Promotion League, is available from all good toy stores and several crap ones. Puke refills sold separately.

The Imaginary Review's Christmas Toy Special

An Imaginary Review Special: The best new toys for Christmas! (Or Kwanzaa)

Tickle-me Donald Rumsfeld

The kids are going crazy for the Tickle-Me Donald Rumsfeld doll, priced 32.99 from some places. A lovable likeness of the former US Defence Secretary, when you tickle the doll his face goes all cross and he says 'no!' in a stern voice while crossing his arms. The doll also has a string which, when you pull it, makes him say his 'Known Unknowns' speech, or cry.

Pat-a-Cow

Board games will never go out of fashion (until the year 2030 when they will go out of fashion), and the best new one on the market is Pat-a-Cow, from Adolph Brothers Games. You play a cow, wandering around the board and trying to avoid catching BSE and foot and mouth, pooing in as many fields as possible. One player has the role of mobile abbatoir, and must capture all the cows before they evolve into butterflies. Fun and educational.

Penguin Hunt

Aimed specifically at younger kids, Penguin Hunt is a shooting gallery-style game. Small penguins slowly waddle across the screen and it's up to the player to throw their tomahawk at them. With realistic blood and gore rewarding the successful player, this is one unforgettable game. The makers, Shatner and Kremlin Games Inc. admitted in a recent press release that they 'totally misunderstood their target audience' and that they expect to file for bankruptcy soon.

Kazoos

For some reason kazoos are becoming really popular. Parents are stockpiling painkillers as we speak.

Barclays Bank Board of Directors Action Figures

Forget Action Man and She-Ra, the biggest action figures this year are faithful representations of the directors and officers of Barclays Bank. Re-enact exciting boardroom meetings and hostile takeover bids with all your favourite bank CEOs! Discuss corporate strategy and market segmentation in your own bedroom! Fans of these toys will be eagerly awaiting the Insider Trading Courtroom Expansion Kit, available next Spring.

Nail-Gun Frenzy Barbie

The Mattel Corporation were recently accused of running out of ideas for their flagship doll. Nail-Gun Frenzy Barbie is the company's answer to their detractors. With a snarl on her face and a working nail-gun in her hands (batteries not included), this doll really means business. The package includes a list of addresses of all the Mattel Corporation\'s detractors. Girl power!