Some Imaginary News

Not too long ago, there was an award meme doing the rounds. Originating at arteypico.blogspot.com, the Arte y Pico prize started being awarded to bloggers who then had to distribute it to other bloggers that the recipient liked. Some of my favourite bloggers reported on their sites that they had been given this prestigious award by some admiring other blogger.

"Hmm," I thought, "wouldn't it be nice if someone were to give this award to me?"

If such a thing happened, then, I decided that it wouldn't be the Imaginary Review if I were to accept an award of this nature and then pass it on to some of my favourite blogs. No, instead of this, I decided, I would invent some blogs, review them briefly, and give them the award. How we would all laugh! Aha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Christ, that was a good idea. Ha ha! Ahem.

So, without pausing to grab my thesaurus, I wrote a series of reviews of some imaginary blogs, ready for the inevitable day when I would get the Arte y Pico Award. And then I saved it on my hard drive (in C:/my documents/notporn/imaginary reviews). And waited.

And waited.

And more and more people got the award, and gave it to more and more fellow bloggers. But not me.

And then, one day, I came to the conclusion that the Arte y Pico award meme had run its course, and the meme had all but died out, without my gaining any recognition from my fellow bloggers. That's okay, I figured, I don't do this for awards. I do this for the laydeez. Oooh yeah.

But I was still left with a hilarious review of some imaginary blogs, which I posted, after making some changes so it contained no mention of the Arte y Pico award. What a great review that was, eh? Fantastic. The laydeez loved it.

And guess what happened the very next day?

HUZZAH!! Thank you, Mister Samuraifrog! Your appreciation of my blog is highly appreciated! Alas, I am left with no more imaginary blogs to laud, so I will again bring your attention to some of my favourite (albeit non-existent) blogs. But first, the small print:

1) You have to pick 5 blogs that you consider deserve this award, creativity, design, interesting material, and also contributes to the blogger community, no matter of language.

2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.

3) Each award-winning, has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.

4) Award-winning and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of "Arte y Pico" blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award.

5) To show these rules.

That done, I will now nominate the following blogs for this award:

icantfindmykeys.blogspot.com: One man's unending quest to locate his front door keys. He can't leave the house until he does so, and he's been trapped inside for nearly nine months now. The food is running out, and he's getting more and more crazy.

roboticsandwich.blogspot.com: Making sandwiches using robots for fun and profit.

jilldeaconstwinshrine.blogspot.com: A shrine to the identical sister of actress Jill Deacon, written by a man who can't remember her name.

chipschipschipschipschips.blogspot.com: A misleadingly-titled blog about horses.

lotsbetterthenlotsbetterthenyourblog.blogspot.com: A new contender to Falwless's crown?

In other news, apologies for the lax updates recently, I've been jumping through hoops for immigration bureaucrats and away for a while. All is now done, I am happy and I have a big list of ideas, including a new (and exciting) feature. Stay tuned folks!

Special Imaginary Letters Page!!

Since The Imaginary Review was nominated for three prestigious awards last week, I now have a fan club on Facebook! While I don’t have an account of my own (I’m opposed to social networking for sexual reasons), my biggest fan, close friend and Superman to my Clark Kent, Philip Smith, decided to start up the group. At last count its members totalled double figures, which is great news!

So what with the awards and the fan club, I’ve had to hire an imaginary office assistant to help me deal with the deluge of imaginary mail that has been pouring in from all my readers. I’ve been getting so much recently that I apologise for the fact that I can’t reply to each individually, unless it’s as a comment on the bottom of this blog.

In true Imaginary Review style, however, I’ve decided to share some of my recent letters with you and respond to them in the form of a review! Let’s start, shall we?

Dear Imaginary Reviewer,

I’m a really big fan of The Imaginary Review, ever since I was doing a Google search for Dame Judy Dench and you were on the 155th page. Can you tell me how you come up with so many great ideas for things, when they don’t exist? You’re a bit like God, in a mad way, aren’t you, what with all these things that you create? Admittedly, you’ve never created a new marsupial, and God never invented a chat show hosted by Madeline Albright, but still, the comparison remains valid, I think.
- Jonathon, West Sussex


Now this is a great letter, well-written, obviously fully thought-out and with excellent hand writing. There’s so much to praise in this letter: the introductory sentence with its historical reference and the question in the second sentence that brings me, the reader, into the letter and gets me involved. Excellent. Comparing me to God is a daring move, with many risks, but I think the effect is quite brilliant. I’d give Jonathon’s letter eight stars out of a possible ten. I deducted one star because the perfume he sprayed on the envelope wasn’t very nice.

Dear Mister Reviewer,

You may already have won £5,000,000! Yes, reply today to find out if you have won £5,000,000! Just send this pre-paid coupon back to us, along with your name, age and cheque for fifty pounds and you can find out if you’ve already won £5,000,000! What are you waiting for, Imaginary?
- Mister Pott, London W1

This is a pretty good letter, in my opinion. It’s short, to the point and comes with a pre-paid reply coupon, which I can cut out, cross out the address and stick onto another envelope, saving me the postage. But while I like being referred to as ‘Mister Reviewer’, I find their use of my first name – Imaginary – to be a little rude. Six stars.

Deer Imaginy Revew

Mi name is tommy i am 6 you are mi favorite website can you do a revew of the doodlebugs cos they is my favorite to. I drawd a picshur of you playing with the doodlebugs.
- Tommy, Nuneaton

No, no, no. This is a terrible letter. Where do I begin? Let’s start with the spelling. It’s absolutely atrocious, even for a child of six years old. There’s very poor grammar, no flow between ideas and the assertion that the Doodlebugs are Tommy’s “favorite [sic] to [sic]” makes no sense. He already said that I was his “favorite [sic] website”. Are the Doodlebugs also his favourite website? Or are they his favourite TV show? I wonder if even Tommy himself knows. Very poor, two stars (and they’re both for the drawing).

Dear Imaginary Reviewer,

I find your weblog both poorly written and entirely lacking in humour. Each time I go to your site I find myself coming away sadder than before, wondering why I do this to myself. Why do I continually find myself on this Godawful pile of unfunny nonsense? Why do I insist on returning to this stream of unmitigated pap? Why do you continue? Why don’t you just stop? Return to your day job! Stop writing bad reviews! Stop it! Oh, and your Dad says ‘Hi, happy birthday for Thursday’.
- Mum, Liverpool

This is a little better than the last letter, but it’s still very poorly written, and the slather marks on the page make it very difficult to read. I think the sentiments expressed within are also poorly constructed, badly thought out and just plain hurtful. It’s not my fault my parents didn’t have that girl they wanted.