My regular readers will be familiar with my attempts to secure employment with Now Toronto Magazine and my inexplicable lack of success therein. Even after four letters to four different staff members on the publication, I have heard nothing from the esteemed halls of Toronto’s largest source of dominatrix shemale small-ads.
Despondency crept into my bones, and I started bemoaning my lot. “I feel so rejected,” I thought. “If only I had a way of getting back at Now Toronto. If only I had a means of ridiculing them in some public forum. Possibly in the form of a sarcastic review.”
Then – miracle! Now Toronto replied to my letters, with a personal letter! “Huzzah!” thought I, “I have something to review!”
And so I set about analysing the contents of the epistle. Firstly, I was surprised by the presentation of the letter. From my time working in the offices of large companies, I am accustomed to sending and receiving letters written using a word processing package and printed out on headed notepaper. It was with some surprise, then, that I found Now Toronto’s reply written using crayon on a piece of thick blue paper.
The content of the letter was very interesting. The author of the missive (who omitted to attached their name to the letter, such was their modesty), has an amazing vocabulary, as many unknown words have been included in the letter. There were so many words I didn’t understand that I had to consult a dictionary for assistance. When the words did not appear in my Oxford English Dictionary, I looked for the words in various online foreign-language dictionaries, and remained unable to decipher many of them. Words like ‘Becoz’, ‘Pleez’ and ‘magaseen’ escaped any attempt at translation; such words could only be the work on an intellectual, and I was forced to abandon my attempts to understand them.
(Incidentally, it was quite lucky that the letter even reached me, given that my address on the envelope was misspelt in several places and my name was obscured by what appeared to be caked-on pasta sauce.)
As a result of my difficulty with some of the obscure words used by the letter’s writer, I am sad to say that much of the meaning seems to have passed me by. I gather that they are thanking me for my enquiries into reviewing for Now Toronto Magazine; but given that one of the paragraphs is halted abruptly, mid-sentence, so that the writer could draw a doodle of a flower and a bee, I must confess that I cannot state with any certainty what overall meaning the letter is trying to convey.
In summary: Of all the letters I have ever received, from the ‘Cease and Desist’ orders from the estate of Jorge Luis Borges to the gallons of fan mail I get each week, I have to say that my reply from Now Toronto is one of the weakest. I understand that they must be busy writing reviews of new Japanese restaurants and sweaters, but I think their writing staff needs to make more of an effort with correspondence.
Oh, and the letter smells of poo.
Showing posts with label Letter reviews. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Letter reviews. Show all posts
Tuesday, 27 May 2008
Sunday, 27 January 2008
Special Imaginary Letters Page!!
Since The Imaginary Review was nominated for three prestigious awards last week, I now have a fan club on Facebook! While I don’t have an account of my own (I’m opposed to social networking for sexual reasons), my biggest fan, close friend and Superman to my Clark Kent, Philip Smith, decided to start up the group. At last count its members totalled double figures, which is great news!
So what with the awards and the fan club, I’ve had to hire an imaginary office assistant to help me deal with the deluge of imaginary mail that has been pouring in from all my readers. I’ve been getting so much recently that I apologise for the fact that I can’t reply to each individually, unless it’s as a comment on the bottom of this blog.
In true Imaginary Review style, however, I’ve decided to share some of my recent letters with you and respond to them in the form of a review! Let’s start, shall we?
Dear Imaginary Reviewer,
I’m a really big fan of The Imaginary Review, ever since I was doing a Google search for Dame Judy Dench and you were on the 155th page. Can you tell me how you come up with so many great ideas for things, when they don’t exist? You’re a bit like God, in a mad way, aren’t you, what with all these things that you create? Admittedly, you’ve never created a new marsupial, and God never invented a chat show hosted by Madeline Albright, but still, the comparison remains valid, I think.
- Jonathon, West Sussex
Now this is a great letter, well-written, obviously fully thought-out and with excellent hand writing. There’s so much to praise in this letter: the introductory sentence with its historical reference and the question in the second sentence that brings me, the reader, into the letter and gets me involved. Excellent. Comparing me to God is a daring move, with many risks, but I think the effect is quite brilliant. I’d give Jonathon’s letter eight stars out of a possible ten. I deducted one star because the perfume he sprayed on the envelope wasn’t very nice.
Dear Mister Reviewer,
You may already have won £5,000,000! Yes, reply today to find out if you have won £5,000,000! Just send this pre-paid coupon back to us, along with your name, age and cheque for fifty pounds and you can find out if you’ve already won £5,000,000! What are you waiting for, Imaginary?
- Mister Pott, London W1
This is a pretty good letter, in my opinion. It’s short, to the point and comes with a pre-paid reply coupon, which I can cut out, cross out the address and stick onto another envelope, saving me the postage. But while I like being referred to as ‘Mister Reviewer’, I find their use of my first name – Imaginary – to be a little rude. Six stars.
Deer Imaginy Revew
Mi name is tommy i am 6 you are mi favorite website can you do a revew of the doodlebugs cos they is my favorite to. I drawd a picshur of you playing with the doodlebugs.
- Tommy, Nuneaton
No, no, no. This is a terrible letter. Where do I begin? Let’s start with the spelling. It’s absolutely atrocious, even for a child of six years old. There’s very poor grammar, no flow between ideas and the assertion that the Doodlebugs are Tommy’s “favorite [sic] to [sic]” makes no sense. He already said that I was his “favorite [sic] website”. Are the Doodlebugs also his favourite website? Or are they his favourite TV show? I wonder if even Tommy himself knows. Very poor, two stars (and they’re both for the drawing).
Dear Imaginary Reviewer,
I find your weblog both poorly written and entirely lacking in humour. Each time I go to your site I find myself coming away sadder than before, wondering why I do this to myself. Why do I continually find myself on this Godawful pile of unfunny nonsense? Why do I insist on returning to this stream of unmitigated pap? Why do you continue? Why don’t you just stop? Return to your day job! Stop writing bad reviews! Stop it! Oh, and your Dad says ‘Hi, happy birthday for Thursday’.
- Mum, Liverpool
This is a little better than the last letter, but it’s still very poorly written, and the slather marks on the page make it very difficult to read. I think the sentiments expressed within are also poorly constructed, badly thought out and just plain hurtful. It’s not my fault my parents didn’t have that girl they wanted.
So what with the awards and the fan club, I’ve had to hire an imaginary office assistant to help me deal with the deluge of imaginary mail that has been pouring in from all my readers. I’ve been getting so much recently that I apologise for the fact that I can’t reply to each individually, unless it’s as a comment on the bottom of this blog.
In true Imaginary Review style, however, I’ve decided to share some of my recent letters with you and respond to them in the form of a review! Let’s start, shall we?
Dear Imaginary Reviewer,
I’m a really big fan of The Imaginary Review, ever since I was doing a Google search for Dame Judy Dench and you were on the 155th page. Can you tell me how you come up with so many great ideas for things, when they don’t exist? You’re a bit like God, in a mad way, aren’t you, what with all these things that you create? Admittedly, you’ve never created a new marsupial, and God never invented a chat show hosted by Madeline Albright, but still, the comparison remains valid, I think.
- Jonathon, West Sussex
Now this is a great letter, well-written, obviously fully thought-out and with excellent hand writing. There’s so much to praise in this letter: the introductory sentence with its historical reference and the question in the second sentence that brings me, the reader, into the letter and gets me involved. Excellent. Comparing me to God is a daring move, with many risks, but I think the effect is quite brilliant. I’d give Jonathon’s letter eight stars out of a possible ten. I deducted one star because the perfume he sprayed on the envelope wasn’t very nice.
Dear Mister Reviewer,
You may already have won £5,000,000! Yes, reply today to find out if you have won £5,000,000! Just send this pre-paid coupon back to us, along with your name, age and cheque for fifty pounds and you can find out if you’ve already won £5,000,000! What are you waiting for, Imaginary?
- Mister Pott, London W1
This is a pretty good letter, in my opinion. It’s short, to the point and comes with a pre-paid reply coupon, which I can cut out, cross out the address and stick onto another envelope, saving me the postage. But while I like being referred to as ‘Mister Reviewer’, I find their use of my first name – Imaginary – to be a little rude. Six stars.
Deer Imaginy Revew
Mi name is tommy i am 6 you are mi favorite website can you do a revew of the doodlebugs cos they is my favorite to. I drawd a picshur of you playing with the doodlebugs.
- Tommy, Nuneaton
No, no, no. This is a terrible letter. Where do I begin? Let’s start with the spelling. It’s absolutely atrocious, even for a child of six years old. There’s very poor grammar, no flow between ideas and the assertion that the Doodlebugs are Tommy’s “favorite [sic] to [sic]” makes no sense. He already said that I was his “favorite [sic] website”. Are the Doodlebugs also his favourite website? Or are they his favourite TV show? I wonder if even Tommy himself knows. Very poor, two stars (and they’re both for the drawing).
Dear Imaginary Reviewer,
I find your weblog both poorly written and entirely lacking in humour. Each time I go to your site I find myself coming away sadder than before, wondering why I do this to myself. Why do I continually find myself on this Godawful pile of unfunny nonsense? Why do I insist on returning to this stream of unmitigated pap? Why do you continue? Why don’t you just stop? Return to your day job! Stop writing bad reviews! Stop it! Oh, and your Dad says ‘Hi, happy birthday for Thursday’.
- Mum, Liverpool
This is a little better than the last letter, but it’s still very poorly written, and the slather marks on the page make it very difficult to read. I think the sentiments expressed within are also poorly constructed, badly thought out and just plain hurtful. It’s not my fault my parents didn’t have that girl they wanted.
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