Thursday, 2 October 2008

Choose Your Own Imaginary Review: Part 4

Last week we ripped into John Doe’s terrible balloon-falling suicide, what with its idiotic sandwich-toaster-romance subtext and abundance of kittens. I then asked you to decide on a suitable twist to this story, and you chose the one in which the young man’s family sues Sir Isaac Newton for discovering gravity.

As this week is the final instalment of the review, we need to come up with a rating for it, and for that you chose to ask a complete stranger for their phone number and add all the digits together to get a final score. So let’s play this review out!

Suicide Review: John Doe and his Sandwich Toaster (continued)

But then, to add an extra layer of tragedy to this sorry afternoon, the victims in the suicide did not end with John Doe’s splattered remains, the twisted, broken machinery of the sandwich toaster and the piles of dead kittens. No, centuries-old scientists were also affected by this senseless waste of human life after John Doe’s family decided to sue Sir Isaac Newton for inventing gravity. This makes the suicide even worse, in my opinion.

As the recently-dug-up scientist was unable to speak for himself (being, as he was, a rotten corpse), his silence was deemed by the court to be a sense of unspeakable guilt at the evil created by his invention, gravity. The jury sentenced him to several years in jail for manslaughter, but as he was taken away his remains dissolved in the air, forcing a nationwide manhunt for the invisible genius. All of this could have been avoided if John Doe hadn’t been selfish enough to commit suicide in such a rubbish way.

So, with all that in mind, I am going to give this suicide a rating of

You finish typing, and, as always, go out to find someone who will give you their telephone number so that you can add the digits together to get a score. Seeing an individual with potential waiting a bus stop, you tap them on the shoulder and cough slightly, grabbing their attention. As they turn around, you give them your favourite pick-up line:

“Nice legs! What time do they open?”

This line, which has never failed to get you someone’s telephone number in the past, fails to impress the generously-muscled young man to whom you said it. He brings his forehead down at the bridge of your nose with such alarming pace that you are flung to the floor. Your final thought, while the man gets on his bus and darkness begins to seep throughout your consciousness is: “my review…I didn’t get to finish my review…”

Back in your apartment, the opened Word document is still displayed on your computer screen, the insertion point flashing where you were supposed to enter the rating. The monitor flickers, and the energy-saving algorithm kicks in, turning the screen off. Your review remains unfinished.

Sorry, You Have Failed This Time! Why Not Go Back And Start Again?

1 comment:

ÄsK AliCë said...

The guy I tapped on the shoulder tried to take my for dinner. Too bad his 6 month pregnant wife overheard and chased me 17 blocks...